Leopold Kristy

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I’m 27 years old, and my wife is also 27. We’re both Chinese. Please excuse my broken English. We’ve been together for about three years, married for one year, and had our wedding six months ago. However, two days ago, I filed for divorce. We argue a lot, and her temper can be quite bad. During our fights, she often says things like “break up” or “divorce,” even though we had agreed not to say such things lightly. Yet, here we are again. This time, I took a day off from work to spend time with her. She wasn’t working that morning either. I usually wake up earlier than she does, and when I woke up, I wanted to cuddle her. I tried gently turning her over, which woke her up, and she complained that I was tickling her and that my toenail scratched her. I got upset and turned away to use my phone, but she then said the noise from my phone was bothering her, so I turned it off to avoid further conflict. Recently, we started using “coupon cards” to improve our communication and add some fun to our relationship. I gave her several cards for things like “pick you up from work,” and she gave me one for “apologize.” After she got up, I told her I wanted to use the apology card because I felt wronged. She refused and insisted that she wanted to use her card first. When I refused, she gave me a half-hearted apology, which I wasn’t satisfied with. She got annoyed and suggested I just tear up all the cards. This upset me even more. When she laid her clothes on the bed, I kicked them to the floor, which escalated the argument. She started yelling, saying, “Let’s get a divorce!” She threw all my clothes on the floor, tossed my phone, and lost her temper. I completely snapped and toppled the wardrobe, knocked down the clothes rack in the living room, and broke her glasses. All the while, she kept shouting about divorce. When she tried to leave for work, I blocked her and wouldn’t let her wear her coat. She knelt on the floor, begging me to let her go. I was furious, hitting myself in the face while yelling, “Am I just your punching bag?” She had never seen me this angry before. Finally, she calmed down, admitted she was wrong, and brought me a glass of water, asking me to stop being angry. I told her, “If you want to leave, just leave.” I went back to bed. Later, she called her sister to come over. By the time I calmed down, she and her sister had left. That night, she didn’t come home. When I called her, she said she’d stay at her sister’s for a couple of days. Due to past trauma, I have PTSD about people leaving, and I overreacted. I blocked her on everything except her phone and texted her, saying she didn’t need to come back and should pack her things. The next day, she came with her sister and took everything she owned. I texted her saying, “Let’s finalize the divorce on Monday,” and she replied with a simple “OK” emoji. On Monday, I showed up at the civil affairs office, but she didn’t. She said she wanted me to transfer her the money in our joint account first (it’s customary in China to receive red envelopes, and we put the money in a shared account). I transferred the money and waited for hours before she finally arrived with her sister. During the process, they were laughing and chatting as if nothing was wrong, which hurt me deeply. The divorce process in China includes a 30-day “cooling-off period,” so we aren’t officially divorced yet. After I got home, I called to ask for my share of the money back, but her sister answered. We ended up in a nasty argument, cursing at each other, and the call ended badly. Since then, my wife and I haven’t communicated at all, and she has blocked me on everything. Now, I’ve heard from mutual friends that she didn’t actually want a divorce and that they claim I forced her into it. But divorce was her idea first! I’m so confused. I still love her, but she crossed my boundaries by leaving and not coming home. I also feel betrayed because she seems unaffected by the divorce, while I’m falling apart. I don’t even know if she still loves me. Our families have started discussing the logistics of the divorce, so it feels inevitable. Some background: Her parents and sister are divorced. Her sister often complains about her husband, and I suspect her sister might be influencing her. Since she left, her sister has been handling everything. Before she left, my wife was apologetic and trying to calm me down, but now she feels like a different person. Additional Background: After we got married, it always felt to me like she never really “committed” to our marriage. It still felt like a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. She’d go back to live with her family whenever she could and chat with her sister, mom, or dad for hours every night before going to sleep. I’ve talked to her about this, but she won’t admit it. It’s always been in the back of my mind. I treated her better than anyone else. I rarely pick fights, and when I’m angry, it’s usually a reaction to her actions. I truly believed she was “the one,” but now I’m questioning myself.