I’m a 37-year-old man deeply in love with my fiancé, who is 35. We’ve known each other for 15 years, and after a long friendship, we reconnected and began dating. We got engaged within a year, and I couldn’t be happier to have her in my life. Throughout our friendship, she dated various men and often jumped from one relationship to another, which I always accepted because she genuinely loves being in love. She graduated from college about 12 years ago and initially worked in a lab. Unfortunately, she became ill from that job, and after seeing a chiropractor, she started taking a lot of herbal supplements, which helped her feel better. However, since then, she has struggled to maintain consistent employment, citing her health issues and stress as reasons for quitting jobs. Currently, her father helps her financially, paying off her significant credit card and student loan debt, which has totaled around $40,000 over the past five years. He is now in his 70s and looking to retire soon. While I’m an engineer and can financially support our family, including her son from a previous relationship, I’m concerned about her spending habits. She often buys nice things to feel better, which I understand to some extent, but it seems like she doesn’t worry about her financial situation at all. I’ve taken on a lot of responsibilities at home, especially since she sometimes struggles to care for her son, leading her mother to help out a few days a week. By the time I get home from work, she is often still sleeping, and I find myself picking up the slack around the house. Recently, she complained about allergies, which prompted me to invest in a $20,000 HVAC system to improve our air quality. Despite this, she continues to feel unwell and has blamed my cat, whom I’ve had for 10 years and consider my soul companion. In an effort to support her, I’ve also spent thousands on professional carpet cleaning and have agreed to have my family cat-sit to see if that alleviates her symptoms. I’m devastated because I love my cat and don’t want to part with him. Meanwhile, she frequently makes jokes about my cat, claiming to dislike him, which hurts me since I don’t think she realizes how important he is to me. Interestingly, she had two expensive purebred dogs in the past but gave them up due to allergies right before moving in with her previous partner. I find it odd that she developed allergies to animals she had for years, and I can’t help but feel suspicious about her motives. I want to be supportive, but I’m starting to feel like there’s always a new issue or excuse, which makes me feel overwhelmed. I believe that if she engaged in social activities like part-time work or volunteering, it could improve her happiness and well-being. However, I’m also worried about her spending habits. While I love treating her to lavish trips and dining out regularly, it feels like nothing I do is ever enough. I’m beginning to feel burnt out and sad, as if my feelings don’t matter and there’s a lack of compromise in our relationship. I really need some guidance on how to navigate this situation.

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Vitalik Andrei

I’m a 37-year-old man deeply in love with my fiancé, who is 35. We’ve known each other for 15 years, and after a long friendship, we reconnected and began dating. We got engaged within a year, and I couldn’t be happier to have her in my life. Throughout our friendship, she dated various men and often jumped from one relationship to another, which I always accepted because she genuinely loves being in love. She graduated from college about 12 years ago and initially worked in a lab. Unfortunately, she became ill from that job, and after seeing a chiropractor, she started taking a lot of herbal supplements, which helped her feel better. However, since then, she has struggled to maintain consistent employment, citing her health issues and stress as reasons for quitting jobs. Currently, her father helps her financially, paying off her significant credit card and student loan debt, which has totaled around $40,000 over the past five years. He is now in his 70s and looking to retire soon. While I’m an engineer and can financially support our family, including her son from a previous relationship, I’m concerned about her spending habits. She often buys nice things to feel better, which I understand to some extent, but it seems like she doesn’t worry about her financial situation at all. I’ve taken on a lot of responsibilities at home, especially since she sometimes struggles to care for her son, leading her mother to help out a few days a week. By the time I get home from work, she is often still sleeping, and I find myself picking up the slack around the house. Recently, she complained about allergies, which prompted me to invest in a $20,000 HVAC system to improve our air quality. Despite this, she continues to feel unwell and has blamed my cat, whom I’ve had for 10 years and consider my soul companion. In an effort to support her, I’ve also spent thousands on professional carpet cleaning and have agreed to have my family cat-sit to see if that alleviates her symptoms. I’m devastated because I love my cat and don’t want to part with him. Meanwhile, she frequently makes jokes about my cat, claiming to dislike him, which hurts me since I don’t think she realizes how important he is to me. Interestingly, she had two expensive purebred dogs in the past but gave them up due to allergies right before moving in with her previous partner. I find it odd that she developed allergies to animals she had for years, and I can’t help but feel suspicious about her motives. I want to be supportive, but I’m starting to feel like there’s always a new issue or excuse, which makes me feel overwhelmed. I believe that if she engaged in social activities like part-time work or volunteering, it could improve her happiness and well-being. However, I’m also worried about her spending habits. While I love treating her to lavish trips and dining out regularly, it feels like nothing I do is ever enough. I’m beginning to feel burnt out and sad, as if my feelings don’t matter and there’s a lack of compromise in our relationship. I really need some guidance on how to navigate this situation.

a month ago

1.0K

It sounds like you are facing a complex situation that involves both emotional and financial concerns in your relationship with your fiancée. Here are some key signs that may indicate your fiancée sees you primarily as a financial provider, along with some suggestions on how to approach these issues.

Signs She Might Be Using You or Not Seeing You as Her First Choice

Lack of Financial Accountability: If your fiancée shows little concern about her accumulating debt and relies on you or her father to cover substantial expenses without any evident effort to contribute, it can be a red flag. For example, if she continues to spend lavishly despite knowing her father is nearing retirement and can no longer support her financially, this could indicate a lack of responsibility.
Minimizing Your Contributions: If she frequently dismisses or jokes about the efforts you make to improve her situation (like the HVAC system) or your feelings regarding your cat, this may suggest that she doesn't fully appreciate or prioritize your sacrifices and contributions.
Dependency on You: It seems she may be overly dependent on you for financial and emotional support. If she is not actively seeking employment or contributing to household responsibilities, it can create an imbalance in the relationship. If she is consistently too "sick" to care for her son or contribute to the household, it might indicate a pattern of avoidance.
Excuses for Not Working: While health issues can be legitimate, if her excuses for not working seem to be ongoing and without a plan for improvement, it may lead to concerns about her commitment to contributing to the relationship.
Frequent Complaints Without Solutions: If she often complains about her health or circumstances but doesn't take steps to address these issues (like seeking more proactive health care or exploring job opportunities), it might indicate a lack of initiative.

Addressing Your Concerns

To address your worries, consider the following approaches:

Open Communication: Have an honest conversation with her about your feelings. Express your concerns without being accusatory. Use "I" statements, such as "I feel overwhelmed when I see the financial burden increasing" or "I feel sad when my feelings about my cat are dismissed." This can help her understand your perspective without feeling attacked.
Set Financial Boundaries: Discuss your financial expectations moving forward. You might want to create a budget together or establish limits on discretionary spending. This can help her understand the implications of her spending habits.
Encourage Independence: Suggest that she explore part-time work or volunteer opportunities that align with her health conditions. This can help her regain a sense of independence and purpose, which may improve her overall well-being.
Seek Professional Guidance: Consider couples counseling to navigate these complex issues. A neutral third party can provide guidance and help facilitate difficult conversations about finances, health, and responsibilities.
Evaluate Your Relationship: Reflect on whether the relationship is fulfilling for you. If you continually feel like your needs are not being met or that there is a lack of compromise, it may be necessary to reassess the long-term viability of the relationship.

Conclusion

It's important to prioritize open dialogue and mutual understanding in your relationship. While it's commendable that you want to support her, your feelings and well-being matter too. By addressing these concerns constructively, you can work together towards a healthier and more balanced partnership.

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