It sounds like you are in a challenging and emotionally complex situation, and it's completely normal to feel uncertain about your relationship, especially after five years together. Here are some important factors to consider as you navigate this decision:

Understanding Your Feelings

First and foremost, it's essential to acknowledge your feelings. Doubts and insecurities are common in long-term relationships, particularly when life circumstances and personal goals begin to diverge. You mentioned questioning your sexual orientation, career, and living situation, which are significant aspects of your identity and happiness. It's crucial to give yourself the space to explore these feelings without guilt.

The Impact of His Behavior

His defensiveness and reluctance to engage in meaningful conversations can be detrimental to your emotional well-being. Effective communication is foundational in a healthy relationship. If you feel that you cannot bring up issues without fear of a negative reaction, it can create a cycle of frustration and resentment. The fact that he attended only one therapy session suggests a lack of commitment to addressing these issues, which might be a red flag.

Assessing Compatibility

Consider your differing goals and lifestyles. You express a desire for adventure and change, while he appears content with stability in one job and location. This fundamental difference in priorities can lead to ongoing tension and dissatisfaction. Ask yourself:

• Do you see a future where both your aspirations can coexist?
• Are you willing to compromise on your dreams, or do you feel strongly about pursuing them?

Fear of Being Alone

Your fear of being on your own is valid, and many people struggle with this. However, it's important to recognize that being in a relationship should not be the only source of your identity and fulfillment. Being single can also provide you with the opportunity to learn more about yourself, your desires, and what you truly want in a partner.

Guilt and Responsibility

Feeling guilty about the potential impact of your decision on him is natural, especially given his loyalty and generosity. However, it's essential to remember that staying in a relationship out of guilt is unfair to both of you. If you are not fully committed or happy, it can lead to resentment and unhappiness for both parties.

Steps to Take

Here are some steps you might consider taking:

1. Self-Reflection: Spend some time alone to reflect on what you genuinely want from life and your relationship. Journaling or talking to a trusted friend can help clarify your thoughts.
2. Open Communication: If you feel safe doing so, try to have a candid conversation with your partner about your feelings. Explain your need for change, and express your concerns about his defensiveness and lack of engagement in resolving issues.
3. Consider Professional Help: Individual therapy can provide you with a safe space to explore your feelings and gain clarity. Couples therapy could also be beneficial if both of you are open to it.
4. Evaluate Your Options: Think about the potential outcomes of staying versus leaving the relationship. Make a list of pros and cons to help visualize your thoughts.
5. Take Your Time: Don’t rush your decision. It’s okay to take time to figure things out. You don’t need to make a choice immediately.

Conclusion

Ultimately, the decision to stay or leave is deeply personal and should be based on your needs and desires. Remember that it’s okay to prioritize your happiness and well-being. Whatever you decide, ensure it aligns with your true self and your future aspirations. It might also be worth considering that a relationship should enhance your life, not hold you back from living it fully.

Take care of yourself during this process, and remember that seeking support from friends, family, or a mental health professional can be incredibly helpful.