Cecelia Sevyn

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I (29F) and my father (63M) are at a loss right now. My mother (62F) has had declining health for the last 5-7 years. She was an alcoholic, which has caused many health issues, including liver problems, gut issues, memory loss, and the development of Lupus. I also suspect she may have early-onset dementia. My mother hasn’t worked in many years, and my dad works over 50 hours a week but frequently takes time off to help her get to appointments since she can’t drive. She often forgets where her doctor’s office is and gets lost, or refuses to go to appointments that are too far. She spends most of her day sleeping and suffers from severe depression and anxiety. She sees a therapist, but I’m not sure it’s helping because her issues seem to be getting worse. My mom has struggled with anger for most of my life, but it has escalated significantly. She has become increasingly abusive toward everyone around her. In the past few years, she has ruined several friendships. She yells at medical staff if she has to wait too long or doesn’t hear what she wants to hear. She also yells at restaurant or retail workers and loves making scenes. Recently, she even received letters from clinics refusing to work with her because of her behavior. Last Friday, my mom needed emergency eye surgery, and my dad took her for her post-surgery check-up this Tuesday. On both occasions, my mom completely raged at the staff. She even laid on the floor, pouting, at one point. My dad, who is already exhausted from taking care of everything—working over 50 hours a week, handling all the household chores, appointments, and emotional labor—was embarrassed and devastated by her behavior. He had to apologize to the staff privately. He texts me often, expressing how much he hates seeing what’s happening. My dad is a saint and my best friend. No matter how badly my mom treats him, he continues to go above and beyond for her. But I hate seeing him suffer like this, and I hate seeing the way she treats everyone. I refuse to do anything with my mom unless my dad is there because I’m terrified of how she will act. Over time, I’ve distanced myself from my relationship with my mom because it’s become unbearable. How do we as a family handle this? I can’t watch my dad go through this anymore. My mom seems so helpless and hopeless. What do you do when a family member behaves like this? Answer/Advice: I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It sounds incredibly difficult for your entire family, and I can’t imagine how painful it must be to watch your dad sacrifice so much while being mistreated. It’s heartbreaking that your mom is struggling with multiple health issues, but her behavior toward your dad and others is understandably hard to manage. Here are some suggestions for navigating this situation: Get Professional Support for Your Family: It sounds like there may be a need for additional professional help. You may want to consider contacting a family therapist or a social worker who specializes in caregiving situations. They can help mediate between you and your parents, help you understand the psychological and emotional aspects of your mom’s behavior, and guide your family through how to best cope with it. Talk to Your Dad About Self-Care: It’s clear that your dad is doing everything he can to care for your mom, but he also needs to take care of himself. Encourage him to consider seeking respite care or professional help, like hiring a caregiver or arranging for additional assistance for his own well-being. He can’t keep up this level of caregiving without support. Set Boundaries with Your Mom: It sounds like your mom’s behavior is very difficult to handle, and it’s taking a toll on everyone. It may be necessary to set clear boundaries with her. Let her know that certain behaviors (like yelling at staff or making scenes) are unacceptable. You don’t have to put up with mistreatment, and it’s important to protect your mental health, as well as your dad’s. Help Your Dad Find Support Groups: There are support groups for caregivers who are dealing with loved ones with dementia, addiction, and other chronic conditions. Your dad could benefit from connecting with others who understand what he’s going through. These groups can offer emotional support, as well as practical advice for managing these difficult situations. Consider Getting an Assessment for Your Mom: If you’re worried about your mom’s mental state, it might be time for a professional assessment. Since you suspect early-onset dementia, getting a formal diagnosis could help your family understand what’s going on and what interventions might be available. There may also be medications or treatments that could help with her symptoms. Take Care of Yourself: Finally, remember that you need to take care of your own emotional well-being too. It’s tough to navigate this situation, and you should allow yourself to seek your own therapy or support, as well as time away from the stress when possible. No one should have to endure mistreatment from a loved one, no matter the circumstances, and it’s clear that your family is doing their best in an incredibly challenging situation. It’s okay to ask for help, and taking the necessary steps to address your mom’s health and behavior may bring some relief for everyone involved.