I’m a 28-year-old woman, and my fiancée is 31. We’ve been together for two and a half years and got engaged in August. My partner has a long history of having a strained relationship with her parents, which tends to get worse every time she enters a new relationship. Unfortunately, this issue has escalated in the past few months, especially since we got engaged. Things came to a head during a heated argument between my partner and her mom about the location of our wedding. This caused a period of no contact between them for a few months. Last year, when we told her parents that we would be spending Christmas with my family, and planned to visit them for New Year’s, we were completely iced out. They didn’t speak to us until alcohol was involved in the evening. Now, we’ve changed the wedding location to be closer to them, which feels like we’ve given in, and it has left me feeling a lot of anger. My question is how to move forward in a relationship with someone whose parents treat her terribly, while also being expected to be involved with them. I want to be supportive, but I feel like it’s unfair for me to keep participating in family events with them, especially when they’ve treated my partner so unkindly. Is it unreasonable to ask my partner not to include me in family gatherings with her parents, while not requiring her to cut them off entirely? Is that a fair request?

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Jensen Lesley

I’m a 28-year-old woman, and my fiancée is 31. We’ve been together for two and a half years and got engaged in August. My partner has a long history of having a strained relationship with her parents, which tends to get worse every time she enters a new relationship. Unfortunately, this issue has escalated in the past few months, especially since we got engaged. Things came to a head during a heated argument between my partner and her mom about the location of our wedding. This caused a period of no contact between them for a few months. Last year, when we told her parents that we would be spending Christmas with my family, and planned to visit them for New Year’s, we were completely iced out. They didn’t speak to us until alcohol was involved in the evening. Now, we’ve changed the wedding location to be closer to them, which feels like we’ve given in, and it has left me feeling a lot of anger. My question is how to move forward in a relationship with someone whose parents treat her terribly, while also being expected to be involved with them. I want to be supportive, but I feel like it’s unfair for me to keep participating in family events with them, especially when they’ve treated my partner so unkindly. Is it unreasonable to ask my partner not to include me in family gatherings with her parents, while not requiring her to cut them off entirely? Is that a fair request?

2 months ago

It's understandable that you're feeling frustrated and hurt by your partner's parents' behavior, especially given the impact it has on your relationship and wedding plans. Dealing with difficult in-laws can be challenging, and it’s important to approach the situation with both empathy for your partner and a clear understanding of your own boundaries.

Here are some strategies to help you cope with this situation:

1. Communicate Openly with Your Partner

Start by having an open and honest conversation with your partner about how you feel. Express your concerns regarding her parents and how their behavior affects you both. Use "I" statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, you might say:

"I feel really uncomfortable around your parents because their behavior towards us feels unkind. It’s been stressful for me, especially with the wedding planning."

This can help your partner understand your perspective without feeling attacked.

2. Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries is crucial for your emotional well-being. If you feel strongly about not participating in family gatherings, it's reasonable to discuss this with your partner. You might say:

"I think it would be best for my mental health if I sat out on family events for now. I hope you understand that this is about my well-being and not about cutting you off from your family."

It's important to make it clear that you are not asking her to cut off her parents, but rather to prioritize your emotional needs. This can help your partner feel less torn between her family and your relationship.

3. Encourage Your Partner's Support

Encourage your partner to seek support, whether through therapy or talking with friends who understand her situation. This can help her process her feelings about her parents and give her tools to cope with the stress they bring into her life.

4. Focus on Your Relationship

Make sure to focus on nurturing your relationship with your partner. Plan activities that don’t involve her family and create positive experiences together. This can help strengthen your bond and provide a refuge from the stress caused by her parents.

5. Practice Self-Care

Take care of your own mental and emotional health. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. This could be anything from hobbies to spending time with supportive friends. Self-care will help you maintain your resilience in dealing with the situation.

6. Seek Professional Help if Needed

If the situation becomes overwhelming, consider seeking the help of a therapist who can provide guidance tailored to your specific circumstances. They can help both you and your partner navigate these family dynamics more effectively.

Conclusion

Ultimately, it is not unreasonable to ask for some distance from your partner's parents if their behavior is negatively impacting your well-being. Clear communication and boundary-setting are essential in navigating this challenging situation. Remember, it's important to support your partner while also taking care of yourself. By working together, you can find a solution that respects both your needs and her family dynamics.

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