It sounds like you are navigating a very challenging situation, and it's commendable that you've made significant efforts to improve yourself and your family dynamics over the years. Here are some thoughts and suggestions on how to proceed:

1. Acknowledge Her Grief:

Your wife's loss is profound, and it's essential to recognize that grief can manifest in various ways, including emotional withdrawal. Consider expressing your understanding of her pain and letting her know that you’re there for her, even if she doesn’t feel like talking. A simple gesture, such as a handwritten note expressing your love and support, can go a long way.

2. Open Communication:

While it might be difficult, try to initiate a calm and open conversation about both of your feelings. You might say something like, “I understand that you’re hurting and I want to support you, but I also feel lost. Can we talk about how we both feel?” This approach shows that you’re not just focused on your own needs but are genuinely interested in her emotional state.

3. Respect Her Space:

While it’s natural to want clarity, pushing too hard for answers can sometimes lead to further withdrawal. If she states that she needs space, let her have it, but continue to check in periodically. This shows you care without being overbearing.

4. Consider Individual Counseling:

If marriage counseling is off the table for now, individual therapy for both of you can still be beneficial. It could help you process your feelings and prepare for whatever direction your relationship takes. Encourage her to seek support if she’s open to it. Sometimes, people may be more willing to engage in therapy when it’s framed as a personal journey rather than a couple's issue.

5. Focus on Parenting Together:

Since you both are co-parents, try to maintain a united front for your children. Engage in family activities that can help create a sense of normalcy and connection. This can also provide opportunities for you and your wife to interact in a less pressured environment.

6. Explore Alternatives to Marriage Counseling:

If traditional marriage counseling isn’t appealing to her, consider suggesting alternatives such as workshops or retreats focused on relationship skills or emotional healing. These can sometimes feel less intimidating and more conducive to open discussion.

7. Prepare for All Outcomes:

It’s wise to mentally prepare for the possibility of separation or divorce while remaining open to reconciliation. This dual approach allows you to stay grounded and not lose sight of your own emotional needs, especially for the sake of your children.

8. Self-Care:

Continue focusing on your self-care routines. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, whether it’s exercise, meditation, or hobbies. Surround yourself with supportive friends or family who can provide a listening ear or guidance.

9. Be Patient:

Healing and reconnection take time. Your wife may need more time to process her grief and feelings about your relationship. Showing patience can be one of the most supportive things you can do right now.

Remember, it’s essential to balance your needs with understanding her emotional state. Relationships can go through phases of disconnection, especially after significant life events like loss. With time, communication, and support, there may be a path forward together. However, be prepared to accept whatever decision she ultimately makes for her own well-being.

Ultimately, the goal is to foster an environment where both of you can express yourselves freely and work towards a resolution that respects both your needs and your children’s well-being.