My fiancé (25M) and I (26F) are struggling with how to fairly split household chores. We’ve been living together for 11 months, and lately, it feels like we’re constantly arguing about cleaning. I’m a first-year teacher and a national guardsman in a leadership role, which has made this year particularly stressful. When I come home to a messy house, it only adds to my overwhelm. My fiancé recently quit his job as a cafeteria manager to pursue a higher-paying opportunity. Before, he would get home an hour earlier than I did, which gave him some time to tidy up. Now, though, he’s been home more, and I’ve noticed that he doesn’t seem to prioritize cleaning. We’ve tried designating a 'cleaning day' where we each tackle different areas of the house, but I often find myself doing most of the work while he says he’ll get to it eventually. We also attempted a chore list to help him manage his tasks, but even with advance notice, he still doesn’t follow through. During one argument, I asked him to clean just one area while I tidied up, but instead, he spent that time job hunting. While I understand his need to find work, it felt frustrating because I was asking for just one small task. He’s mentioned that my standards might be too high, but I think it’s reasonable to expect a clean home—especially after we dealt with a roach problem. I find myself doing the bulk of the tidying and deep cleaning every couple of weeks, which leaves me feeling like an overwhelmed single parent. This cycle of arguments has even led us to discuss breaking up at times. Although he has been more helpful since he’s between jobs, I’ve noticed that his efforts come in waves—he’ll be engaged for a week or so, then revert back to his old habits. I want to find a way for us to maintain a clean home without it affecting our relationship. What have other couples done to keep their homes tidy while still nurturing their love for each other?

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Moira Ualan

My fiancé (25M) and I (26F) are struggling with how to fairly split household chores. We’ve been living together for 11 months, and lately, it feels like we’re constantly arguing about cleaning. I’m a first-year teacher and a national guardsman in a leadership role, which has made this year particularly stressful. When I come home to a messy house, it only adds to my overwhelm. My fiancé recently quit his job as a cafeteria manager to pursue a higher-paying opportunity. Before, he would get home an hour earlier than I did, which gave him some time to tidy up. Now, though, he’s been home more, and I’ve noticed that he doesn’t seem to prioritize cleaning. We’ve tried designating a 'cleaning day' where we each tackle different areas of the house, but I often find myself doing most of the work while he says he’ll get to it eventually. We also attempted a chore list to help him manage his tasks, but even with advance notice, he still doesn’t follow through. During one argument, I asked him to clean just one area while I tidied up, but instead, he spent that time job hunting. While I understand his need to find work, it felt frustrating because I was asking for just one small task. He’s mentioned that my standards might be too high, but I think it’s reasonable to expect a clean home—especially after we dealt with a roach problem. I find myself doing the bulk of the tidying and deep cleaning every couple of weeks, which leaves me feeling like an overwhelmed single parent. This cycle of arguments has even led us to discuss breaking up at times. Although he has been more helpful since he’s between jobs, I’ve noticed that his efforts come in waves—he’ll be engaged for a week or so, then revert back to his old habits. I want to find a way for us to maintain a clean home without it affecting our relationship. What have other couples done to keep their homes tidy while still nurturing their love for each other?

2 months ago

It sounds like you're in a tough situation, balancing your demanding work life with your expectations for a clean and tidy home. It's commendable that you want to address this issue constructively. Here are some strategies that may help you and your fiancé split household chores more effectively:

1. Open Communication

Start by having a calm and honest conversation about how you both feel regarding the chores. Use "I" statements to express your feelings without placing blame. For example:

Instead of: "You never clean!"
Try: "I feel overwhelmed when I come home to a messy house after a long day at work."

This approach can help reduce defensiveness and encourage a more productive dialogue.

2. Set Realistic Expectations

Discuss and agree on what a "clean" home looks like for both of you. Create a list of chores and prioritize them based on what is most important. This will help both of you understand each other's expectations and work towards a common goal.

3. Create a Chore Schedule

Instead of a one-off cleaning day, consider implementing a weekly chore schedule. Divide tasks based on preference and availability. For example:

Monday: Vacuuming and dusting (you)
Tuesday: Dishes and kitchen cleanup (fiancé)
Wednesday: Laundry (shared)
Thursday: Bathroom cleaning (you)
Friday: Take out the trash (fiancé)

Having specific days for specific tasks can help ensure that both of you have designated responsibilities and can plan your time accordingly.

4. Use a Chore App

Consider using a chore management app like Cozi or Tody. These apps can help both of you track chores, set reminders, and even reward each other for completing tasks. This can make the process feel more collaborative and less like a chore.

5. Make it Fun

Turn cleaning into a fun activity by playing music, setting a timer for a cleaning sprint, or even rewarding yourselves afterward with a treat or a fun activity. This can help change the perception of cleaning from a burdensome task to a more enjoyable shared experience.

6. Regular Check-ins

Schedule regular check-ins (perhaps weekly) to discuss how the chore system is working. This gives both of you a chance to voice any concerns and make adjustments as needed. It can also reinforce the importance of teamwork in maintaining your home.

7. Consider Professional Help

If it's within your budget, consider hiring a cleaning service once a month. This can help alleviate some of the pressure and give both of you a clearer space to maintain. It may also serve as a motivator for both of you to keep things tidy in between cleanings.

8. Empathy and Understanding

Lastly, remember that both of you are adjusting to new roles and responsibilities. Acknowledging each other’s stress—yours from teaching and his from job searching—can foster a more supportive environment. Encourage each other and express gratitude when chores are done, no matter how small the effort.

By implementing these strategies, you can work towards a more balanced approach to household chores while maintaining a loving relationship. Remember that teamwork and communication are key in overcoming challenges together.

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