My boyfriend [27m] keeps hurting my feelings but I [26f] am so conflicted if I’m just being dramatic My boyfriend [27m] and I [26f] have been together for six years, and have lived together for five years. The drinking culture in my country is a bit much so everyone could probably tone it down a bit, but my boyfriend has been particularly bad ever since his father passed two years ago and it’s been really rough. In general he takes really good care of me, he is very considerate and takes mind to do the little things like running errands and making me coffee. I’m not an easy person to be with, as I do suffer from depression which has worsened considerably as a young close family member suddenly passed in a tragic accident in the spring. I do go to work, study and go out though, so I’m not a complete disaster, just a sad homebody mostly. He drinks often, multiple times a week and it doesn’t matter that it’s a weekday. It messes with my schedule as he cannot come home quietly and we have a dog, so he wakes us both and hypes the dog up when he arrives at anywhere from 1-7 in the morning. I worry so much as he’s bad at communicating and will tell me he’ll be home at one time and then just won’t be with no message or call. He’s been assaulted multiple times while out so it’s so stressful. He has times when he comes home really sad and needs comforting and times he comes home to pick a fight where he (in my opinion) is extremely hard to reason with yet refuses to stop. I am so tired and sad. We’ve discussed this so many times and it’s like he agrees to change, but doesn’t really want to. I can’t expect him home when he says he will be, he doesn’t respect my time at all if I say I’d prefer him to be home early as I have work/school/projects and he lies, especially about how much he drinks or if he’s taken something (even though he’s promised to stop that completely). It’s really messing with my mental state and I feel so alone. I love him so much, but when he drinks it’s like he becomes an entirely different person and I really don’t like him like that, but it’s his coping mechanism for his grief so it seems like he just doesn’t want to/can’t give it up. I’m sorry for rambling but I just really need some advice on how to fix this. I seem to just not be able to communicate this with him properly. Tldr: boyfriend has a drinking problem that is ruining our relationship and me, and I can’t seem to fix it

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Mindy Janetta

My boyfriend [27m] keeps hurting my feelings but I [26f] am so conflicted if I’m just being dramatic My boyfriend [27m] and I [26f] have been together for six years, and have lived together for five years. The drinking culture in my country is a bit much so everyone could probably tone it down a bit, but my boyfriend has been particularly bad ever since his father passed two years ago and it’s been really rough. In general he takes really good care of me, he is very considerate and takes mind to do the little things like running errands and making me coffee. I’m not an easy person to be with, as I do suffer from depression which has worsened considerably as a young close family member suddenly passed in a tragic accident in the spring. I do go to work, study and go out though, so I’m not a complete disaster, just a sad homebody mostly. He drinks often, multiple times a week and it doesn’t matter that it’s a weekday. It messes with my schedule as he cannot come home quietly and we have a dog, so he wakes us both and hypes the dog up when he arrives at anywhere from 1-7 in the morning. I worry so much as he’s bad at communicating and will tell me he’ll be home at one time and then just won’t be with no message or call. He’s been assaulted multiple times while out so it’s so stressful. He has times when he comes home really sad and needs comforting and times he comes home to pick a fight where he (in my opinion) is extremely hard to reason with yet refuses to stop. I am so tired and sad. We’ve discussed this so many times and it’s like he agrees to change, but doesn’t really want to. I can’t expect him home when he says he will be, he doesn’t respect my time at all if I say I’d prefer him to be home early as I have work/school/projects and he lies, especially about how much he drinks or if he’s taken something (even though he’s promised to stop that completely). It’s really messing with my mental state and I feel so alone. I love him so much, but when he drinks it’s like he becomes an entirely different person and I really don’t like him like that, but it’s his coping mechanism for his grief so it seems like he just doesn’t want to/can’t give it up. I’m sorry for rambling but I just really need some advice on how to fix this. I seem to just not be able to communicate this with him properly. Tldr: boyfriend has a drinking problem that is ruining our relationship and me, and I can’t seem to fix it – what do I do?

a year ago

1.2K

It sounds like you are navigating a very challenging and emotionally taxing situation. It's important to recognize that your feelings are valid and that you're not being dramatic. Relationships can be incredibly complex, especially when one partner is struggling with grief and coping mechanisms like alcohol. Here are some steps you might consider taking to address this situation:

1. Reflect on Your Feelings

Before having another conversation with your boyfriend, take some time to reflect on your feelings and experiences. Consider journaling your thoughts to clarify what you want to communicate. Ask yourself:

What specific behaviors hurt my feelings the most?
How do his drinking habits affect my mental health?
What do I need from him to feel secure and supported?

2. Open Communication

When you feel ready, have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend. Choose a calm moment, not when tensions are high or after a night of drinking. Use "I" statements to express how his actions affect you, such as:

"I feel anxious when I don’t know when you’re coming home."
"I feel alone when you drink and don’t communicate with me."

This approach reduces the chances of him feeling attacked and opens the door for a more constructive dialogue.

3. Set Boundaries

It’s essential to establish clear boundaries regarding what behaviors you find unacceptable. For example:

Set a specific time for him to be home on weekdays.
Express that you cannot support excessive drinking and would prefer he limit his nights out.

Boundaries are not about controlling him but rather about protecting your mental health.

4. Encourage Professional Help

Given that he is coping with significant grief, it may be beneficial for him to seek professional help, such as therapy or counseling. You can suggest it gently, emphasizing that you care about his well-being:

"I think talking to someone might really help you cope with everything you’re going through."

5. Seek Support for Yourself

Your mental health is important, too. Consider reaching out to friends, family, or a therapist to talk about what you’re experiencing. Support groups for partners of individuals with substance use issues can also be beneficial.

6. Evaluate the Relationship

Ultimately, if the situation does not improve despite your efforts, you may need to evaluate whether this relationship is healthy for you. It’s okay to prioritize your well-being. Ask yourself:

Do I see a future with him if things don’t change?
Am I willing to continue in a relationship that causes me this much pain?

7. Consider a Professional Mediator

If you find it difficult to communicate effectively, consider involving a neutral third party, like a couples therapist, to facilitate the conversation. This can provide a safe space for both of you to express your feelings and concerns.

Conclusion

Relationships require effort from both partners, and it’s crucial that your boyfriend recognizes the impact of his drinking on you and your relationship. While it’s commendable that you want to support him through his grief, your needs and mental health must also be a priority. Take your time to decide on the best course of action, and remember that you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel secure and valued.

Ultimately, it’s about finding a balance between supporting him and taking care of yourself. Good luck, and remember that you’re not alone in this.

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