My husband (31) and I (31) have been married for five years, and I recently stopped birth control to see what happens. We’re both excited about the possibility of starting a family, but I’m also feeling a bit anxious about how to prepare our marriage for kids. I don’t want to lose the connection we have, like I’ve seen happen with some couples. I’ve heard about relationships struggling after kids—where one partner loses their identity or they divorce because of parenting stress—and I really want to avoid that. We do have our little annoyances, but overall we have a solid relationship and pretty good communication. We’ve had long discussions about potential challenges with pregnancy, parenting, and our goals for the future. We’ve talked about our non-negotiables, how involved each set of in-laws should be, and what we would do in different situations. That being said, one concern I have is that my husband tends to be a bit of a “man-child” when it comes to cleaning up after himself. I’ve tried to be understanding, but I’m worried that it will become more difficult when we have a baby. I’ve encouraged individual therapy and tried ADHD medication, but nothing has really worked, and I often find myself ignoring it. My concern is that the added responsibility of a child could make this issue harder to manage. I want to make sure that we’re truly ready and that we maintain our relationship, no matter what comes with parenthood. Does anyone know if there’s a way to “prepare” for having kids that addresses these concerns, or something like pre-marital counseling specifically for the changes parenthood brings?

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Bianca Oswald

My husband (31) and I (31) have been married for five years, and I recently stopped birth control to see what happens. We’re both excited about the possibility of starting a family, but I’m also feeling a bit anxious about how to prepare our marriage for kids. I don’t want to lose the connection we have, like I’ve seen happen with some couples. I’ve heard about relationships struggling after kids—where one partner loses their identity or they divorce because of parenting stress—and I really want to avoid that. We do have our little annoyances, but overall we have a solid relationship and pretty good communication. We’ve had long discussions about potential challenges with pregnancy, parenting, and our goals for the future. We’ve talked about our non-negotiables, how involved each set of in-laws should be, and what we would do in different situations. That being said, one concern I have is that my husband tends to be a bit of a “man-child” when it comes to cleaning up after himself. I’ve tried to be understanding, but I’m worried that it will become more difficult when we have a baby. I’ve encouraged individual therapy and tried ADHD medication, but nothing has really worked, and I often find myself ignoring it. My concern is that the added responsibility of a child could make this issue harder to manage. I want to make sure that we’re truly ready and that we maintain our relationship, no matter what comes with parenthood. Does anyone know if there’s a way to “prepare” for having kids that addresses these concerns, or something like pre-marital counseling specifically for the changes parenthood brings?

a month ago

1.0K

It's great to hear that you and your husband are excited about starting a family! It's completely natural to have concerns about how parenthood will affect your marriage, especially when you've seen relationships struggle after the arrival of children. Here are some strategies and resources that may help you prepare both individually and as a couple for the changes that parenthood will bring:

1. Communication is Key

Since you already have good communication with your husband, continue to strengthen this aspect of your relationship. Set aside regular times to discuss your feelings and expectations about becoming parents. This could involve:

Weekly Check-Ins: Dedicate a time each week to discuss any concerns, challenges, or feelings that have arisen.
Future Planning: Talk about how you envision your lives changing once you have a child, including daily routines and responsibilities.

2. Establish Clear Roles and Responsibilities

It’s crucial to discuss and define roles when it comes to parenting and household responsibilities. Consider the following:

Division of Labor: Create a list of tasks related to both household chores and parenting duties. Discuss how you can support each other in these areas.
Accountability: Agree on a system to check in with each other about responsibilities. This could be as simple as a shared calendar or checklist.

3. Pre-Marital or Parenting Counseling

Engaging in counseling specifically focused on the transition to parenthood can be very beneficial. This type of counseling can help you:

Address Concerns: Bring up specific issues, like your husband's cleaning habits, in a constructive way with the help of a professional.
Develop Coping Strategies: Learn tools and strategies to manage stress and communication challenges that may arise with parenting.

Look for therapists who specialize in family dynamics or couples therapy focused on parenting transitions.

4. Strengthen Your Relationship Before Baby Arrives

Prioritize your relationship now, as this will lay a strong foundation for when you become parents:

Date Nights: Continue to schedule regular date nights or quality time together to maintain your connection.
Shared Hobbies: Engage in activities you both enjoy, which can help reinforce your bond and teamwork.

5. Prepare for the Emotional Changes

Parenthood can bring a range of emotions. Consider these tips:

Educate Yourselves: Read books on parenting and relationships, such as The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, which offers insights into child development and parenting strategies.
Join Parent Groups: Connecting with other expecting parents can provide support and shared experiences, which can help alleviate some of the anxiety you may feel.

6. Addressing the “Man-Child” Concern

This is a common concern among couples preparing for parenthood. Here are some strategies:

Open Dialogue: Have an honest conversation about your concerns regarding his habits. Use "I" statements to express how it affects you, such as, "I feel overwhelmed when the house is messy, especially as we prepare for a baby."
Set Expectations: Discuss how you can both adjust your behaviors to prepare for the added responsibilities of a child. This might include creating a cleaning schedule or setting specific times to tidy up.

7. Build a Support Network

Having a strong support system can make a huge difference. Consider:

Family and Friends: Discuss with family and friends about their experiences and how they managed the transition to parenthood.
Parenting Classes: Look for local classes or workshops that can help you both learn about parenting and connect with other couples.

Remember, the journey to parenthood is unique for every couple. By proactively addressing your concerns and strengthening your relationship, you'll be better equipped to navigate the challenges ahead. It's about teamwork, communication, and supporting one another as you take on this new chapter together!

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