My gf(22F) of 3 years and me(23M) are separating because of a potential future Last year we had a conversation about having children that happened, and I ended up deciding to break up. I knew how she felt about that subject and how scared and unhappy she would be if she had them. That lasted like 24 hours because she suggested we talk again because she felt she didn’t sort her thoughts enough for us to fully understand each other. In our talk she said that depending on the circumstances, she would consider having children. She spoke to her mother about it as well and she said that we shouldn’t think about those things right now and should focus on our relationship now. Last month she told me she still didn’t want kids. Which I understand. Kids are a huge responsibility and require a lot of patience and sacrifice. It’s not a cutesy pet, it’s a human life. I took a few days to think about it. I searched online, listened to music, read a chapter from a book a psychologist gave me relating to relationships and I thought of where we were at in the relationship. She’s literally the perfect person through and through. She inspires me to be the best version of myself. That I don’t need to filter who I am to be loved. And she fully believes in my dreams. The possibility of kids very much far away. I don’t see myself having kids in the next 10 years. I need to see the world, grow my career and DEFINITELY grow as a person. I want to do all of that by her side. I much rather enjoy the wonderful person I have in front of me right now than to think about a potential future. To tell her all of this, I picked her up, and we sat on a bench at the place where we had our first date. She seemed to have been ok with what I said and agreed to continue growing together and to keep checking up on each other along the way. For the last couple of weeks I had noticed she has seemed kind of off. I didn’t question it because whenever we were together it felt like everything was fine. Christmas Eve came around and we spent time together and visited our family. During Christmas time I tend to not have a good time but with her, this year in particular, felt extra special. Last Friday she called me to talk and tell me she was still worried about how we felt about kids and that those thoughts along with my faults in the relationship made her worry about how a future together would look like. I asked her if she wanted to break up right now. She told me she doesn’t see us being together at the end regardless of how much time passes as if there was this countdown leading towards our end. After that I told her I understood and respected her thoughts. Told her I was thankful for all the amazing things she brought into my life and since and broke things off. I don’t want things to be fully over and want to continue moving forward with her but I’m scared of repeating the same thing again—of me being the one to ask her to talk and get back together, only for us to end up where we were in a year. She’s currently having a really rough time in her live (she lost several family members this year, amoung other things) and even though that doesn’t explain why this is happening I feel that pain influenced her thoughts on the future. Again, I am worried about that future, but I can put aside a potential future and fully enjoy this person now. TL;DR: Last year, I broke up with my partner over disagreements about having children, but we reconciled when she said she was open to reconsidering. Recently, she expressed still not wanting kids, which I understood. After reflecting, I realized I don’t want kids anytime soon either and value growing with her. However, a few weeks ago she seemed off, and after a conversation, she said she didn’t see a future together. I respected her decision and ended things, though I’m torn about whether to try to mend things or move on, especially since she’s going through a tough time. I'm meeting her tomorrow to collect my things and expect more discussion. Should I try to mend things and continue being with her (if she wants to ofc) or should I move on and let her go?

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Katy Abram

My gf(22F) of 3 years and me(23M) are separating because of a potential future Last year we had a conversation about having children that happened, and I ended up deciding to break up. I knew how she felt about that subject and how scared and unhappy she would be if she had them. That lasted like 24 hours because she suggested we talk again because she felt she didn’t sort her thoughts enough for us to fully understand each other. In our talk she said that depending on the circumstances, she would consider having children. She spoke to her mother about it as well and she said that we shouldn’t think about those things right now and should focus on our relationship now. Last month she told me she still didn’t want kids. Which I understand. Kids are a huge responsibility and require a lot of patience and sacrifice. It’s not a cutesy pet, it’s a human life. I took a few days to think about it. I searched online, listened to music, read a chapter from a book a psychologist gave me relating to relationships and I thought of where we were at in the relationship. She’s literally the perfect person through and through. She inspires me to be the best version of myself. That I don’t need to filter who I am to be loved. And she fully believes in my dreams. The possibility of kids very much far away. I don’t see myself having kids in the next 10 years. I need to see the world, grow my career and DEFINITELY grow as a person. I want to do all of that by her side. I much rather enjoy the wonderful person I have in front of me right now than to think about a potential future. To tell her all of this, I picked her up, and we sat on a bench at the place where we had our first date. She seemed to have been ok with what I said and agreed to continue growing together and to keep checking up on each other along the way. For the last couple of weeks I had noticed she has seemed kind of off. I didn’t question it because whenever we were together it felt like everything was fine. Christmas Eve came around and we spent time together and visited our family. During Christmas time I tend to not have a good time but with her, this year in particular, felt extra special. Last Friday she called me to talk and tell me she was still worried about how we felt about kids and that those thoughts along with my faults in the relationship made her worry about how a future together would look like. I asked her if she wanted to break up right now. She told me she doesn’t see us being together at the end regardless of how much time passes as if there was this countdown leading towards our end. After that I told her I understood and respected her thoughts. Told her I was thankful for all the amazing things she brought into my life and since and broke things off. I don’t want things to be fully over and want to continue moving forward with her but I’m scared of repeating the same thing again—of me being the one to ask her to talk and get back together, only for us to end up where we were in a year. She’s currently having a really rough time in her live (she lost several family members this year, amoung other things) and even though that doesn’t explain why this is happening I feel that pain influenced her thoughts on the future. Again, I am worried about that future, but I can put aside a potential future and fully enjoy this person now. TL;DR: Last year, I broke up with my partner over disagreements about having children, but we reconciled when she said she was open to reconsidering. Recently, she expressed still not wanting kids, which I understood. After reflecting, I realized I don’t want kids anytime soon either and value growing with her. However, a few weeks ago she seemed off, and after a conversation, she said she didn’t see a future together. I respected her decision and ended things, though I’m torn about whether to try to mend things or move on, especially since she’s going through a tough time. I'm meeting her tomorrow to collect my things and expect more discussion. Should I try to mend things and continue being with her (if she wants to ofc) or should I move on and let her go?

a month ago

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It sounds like you're navigating a very complex emotional landscape, and it's understandable to feel torn about your next steps. Relationships, especially those involving significant life decisions like having children, can be incredibly challenging. Here are some factors to consider as you prepare for your conversation with your girlfriend:

1. Acknowledge Her Feelings: It's essential to recognize that your girlfriend is going through a tough time, both emotionally and with the recent losses in her family. Grief can significantly alter one’s perspective on life, relationships, and future plans. When you meet, consider starting the conversation by acknowledging her feelings and the challenges she’s facing. You might say something like, "I know you've been going through a lot lately, and I want to make sure we talk about how you're feeling."

2. Reflect on Your Own Needs: It's clear that you value the relationship and the connection you share. However, it’s crucial to be honest with yourself about your needs and desires for the future. Ask yourself:

What do you genuinely want in the long term?
Can you be happy in the relationship without the prospect of children?
Are you willing to accept that the relationship may not fulfill your vision of a future family?

3. Open Communication: If you decide to discuss the possibility of mending things, approach the topic with openness. You could express your desire to continue the relationship while acknowledging the differences in your views about children. A possible conversation starter could be, "I’ve been reflecting on our discussions about the future, and I want to understand where we both stand now. I value the time we have together and want to see if we can find common ground."

4. Consider Future Discussions: It's important to recognize that the discussion about children is not a one-time conversation. As you both grow and change, your feelings on the subject may evolve. You might suggest a more flexible approach, such as, "I understand how you feel about kids right now, and that might change in the future. Can we agree to keep communicating about it as we move forward?"

5. Be Prepared for Any Outcome: While you may hope for reconciliation, it’s crucial to prepare yourself for the possibility that she may still want to end things. If this is the case, be sure to respect her decision. Acknowledge her feelings by saying, "I understand that this is what you feel is best for you right now, and I respect that. I’m grateful for the time we’ve shared." This will help you both part on amicable terms, which is essential for your emotional well-being.

6. Focus on Self-Care: Regardless of the outcome, make sure to take care of yourself emotionally. Engage in activities that bring you joy, spend time with supportive friends and family, and consider seeking professional support if you find yourself struggling to cope with the changes.

Ultimately, the decision to mend things or move on should be based on open communication, mutual respect, and the understanding that both of you deserve to pursue your individual paths. Remember that it’s okay to prioritize your own happiness while also being a source of support for her during this challenging time.

Good luck with your conversation, and remember that whatever happens, it’s a step toward clarity for both of you.

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