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Gf (f22) lied to me (m25) about what happened when we were split up for 3 months for some context: I have a very strong aversion towards clubbing since my first (ex) girlfriend cheated on me 5 years ago and took drugs while clubbing. Since then I am not interested in dating anyone who does either of these two and I stopped doing both since 2-3 years. When I met my now gf, I made it very clear that I am not interested in dating anyone who wants to go clubbing. She never went clubbing in her life. A mutual friend of us asked us 2 or 3 times if we want to go but we declined. I always asked my gf if anything changed and if she will ever want to go clubbing a couple times as I am diagnosed with OCD. This was 2 years ago and through therapy I am now more chill with such things. 4 months ago I ended the relationship and we got back together 1 month ago. She went clubbing 1 time with the mutual friend while we were split up and lied about it in the beginning because she was scared to tell me and thought I would instantly leave her again if I would know. I must admit that because of my mental health, her fear is actually justified. Well it would be in the past, therapy has helped me tremendously when we were split up and I dont care if she went clubbing. Its the lie that makes it hard for me ( She showed me pictures of her halloween outfit and I asked if they went dancing and she denied with a very weird story, I even said to her that I think she is scared to tell me and that its fine and she doesnt have to lie but she still insisted she didnt go clubbing. 1 week later our friend talked about the club and even then she tried to deny it at the beginning.) I have a hard time, do you think such a lie is forgiveable? tl;dr gf lied to me about going clubbing because she was scared I would leave. She has valid reasons for feeling this way.

a month ago
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It's understandable that you're feeling conflicted about your girlfriend's lie regarding her night out clubbing. The situation involves trust, fears stemming from past experiences, and the complexities of your relationship. Let's break down the key elements to help you navigate your feelings and consider the path forward.

1. Understanding the Context:

Your aversion to clubbing is deeply rooted in a painful past experience. Trust issues often arise when someone has been hurt before, and it’s completely valid for you to have strong feelings about this. Your girlfriend's decision to lie may stem from her desire to protect the relationship, especially given your previous breakup. She feared that the truth would lead to another separation, which speaks to her understanding of your sensitivities.

2. The Nature of the Lie:

Lying can be seen as a breach of trust, which is fundamental in any relationship. However, it's essential to consider the motivation behind the lie. In her case, it seems she was driven by fear rather than malice. This doesn’t excuse her actions, but it does provide context. For instance, if she had been honest from the beginning, she might have faced your initial reaction of hurt or anger. Her reluctance to reveal the truth indicates that she values the relationship and fears losing you.

3. The Impact of Mental Health:

You mentioned that your experience with OCD has made you more sensitive to situations involving trust and betrayal. It's commendable that you've sought therapy and worked on your mental health. This progress is crucial because it allows you to approach this situation with a more balanced perspective. Acknowledging that your feelings are valid while also recognizing that people can make mistakes is essential. For example, in therapy, you may have learned the importance of communicating openly about your feelings and fears, which can help in resolving conflicts.

4. Moving Forward:

The key question is whether this lie is forgivable. It ultimately depends on your feelings and the dynamics of your relationship. Here are some considerations:

  • Communication: Have an open conversation with her about how her lie made you feel. Express your feelings without placing blame. Use "I" statements, such as "I felt hurt when I learned you lied about going clubbing."
  • Trust Rebuilding: Discuss how you can rebuild trust moving forward. This might include setting boundaries or having regular check-ins about feelings and fears.
  • Evaluating the Relationship: Consider if this relationship is worth the effort. If you both are committed to working through this, it can be a chance for growth.

5. Conclusion:

In relationships, mistakes can happen, and the key lies in how both partners handle them. If your girlfriend is willing to be honest moving forward and you both can communicate effectively, it may be possible to forgive her and strengthen your bond. It’s essential to give yourself time to process your feelings and decide what’s best for you in this relationship.

Ultimately, the decision to forgive her lies with you, but remember that every relationship has its challenges. How you navigate them together can define the strength of your partnership.

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