My partner (22M) and I (26F) found out two months ago that we’re expecting, and we’re both thrilled and looking forward to the future. Now that I’m 12 weeks along, we’re starting to share the news with our families. We’re feeling conflicted about how to approach telling my partner’s mother. Their relationship has always been rocky, and it became even worse after we started dating over two years ago. From the beginning, she’s treated me very poorly, calling me everything but my name to anyone she spoke with, although she’s never said these things to me directly. Because of this, we’ve never had the chance to address the issues directly. About a year ago, I gave up trying to build a relationship with her, and six months ago, my partner attempted to talk to her about some separate issues, but it only made things worse. They stopped speaking to each other about four months ago. Now that we’re expecting, my partner wants to visit his mother and share the news with her ourselves. I respect his decision to handle it, but we’ve already agreed that we won’t be involving her in many aspects of our lives and will only see her a few times a year for holidays. He doesn’t want the conversation to turn upsetting, since we’d both like it to be a joyful moment, but I’m unsure of how to set realistic expectations for the conversation. I want to make sure that we establish clear boundaries now, before she starts overstepping. How would you handle this conversation? Any advice would be appreciated. Response: This is a delicate situation, and it’s understandable to want to set boundaries while keeping things as peaceful as possible. Here are a few steps you can take to navigate the conversation: Prepare as a Team: Before speaking with his mother, have a candid conversation with your partner about your expectations and how you both want the conversation to go. Make sure you're on the same page regarding boundaries, and decide in advance how you'll handle any negative or difficult responses. Keep it Short and Positive: When you visit his mother, keep the announcement brief and focused on the positive news. You might say something like, “We’re excited to let you know that we’re expecting! We’re looking forward to this new chapter in our lives.” Keeping it simple and optimistic will set the tone for the conversation. Set Clear Boundaries: If the conversation takes a turn toward negativity or drama, gently but firmly set your boundaries. You can say something like, “We’ve decided that we want to keep things positive and healthy from here on out. We’ll be focusing on a few family visits each year, and we’re hoping for a peaceful relationship moving forward.” Anticipate Difficult Reactions: Since your partner’s relationship with his mother has been strained, it’s possible she might react poorly. Be prepared for the possibility of her not reacting as you would like, and remember that you can always leave the conversation if it becomes too much. It’s important to prioritize your well-being and the well-being of your growing family. Be Consistent with Boundaries: After the initial conversation, it’s essential to maintain your boundaries. If she tries to overstep or cause drama later on, calmly remind her of the expectations you’ve set. Consistency is key to ensuring she understands what is and isn’t acceptable. Ultimately, it’s your family, and you get to decide how much or how little involvement you want from her. Trust your instincts and focus on creating the peaceful, positive environment you both deserve during this exciting time in your lives.

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Tom Lillie

My partner (22M) and I (26F) found out two months ago that we’re expecting, and we’re both thrilled and looking forward to the future. Now that I’m 12 weeks along, we’re starting to share the news with our families. We’re feeling conflicted about how to approach telling my partner’s mother. Their relationship has always been rocky, and it became even worse after we started dating over two years ago. From the beginning, she’s treated me very poorly, calling me everything but my name to anyone she spoke with, although she’s never said these things to me directly. Because of this, we’ve never had the chance to address the issues directly. About a year ago, I gave up trying to build a relationship with her, and six months ago, my partner attempted to talk to her about some separate issues, but it only made things worse. They stopped speaking to each other about four months ago. Now that we’re expecting, my partner wants to visit his mother and share the news with her ourselves. I respect his decision to handle it, but we’ve already agreed that we won’t be involving her in many aspects of our lives and will only see her a few times a year for holidays. He doesn’t want the conversation to turn upsetting, since we’d both like it to be a joyful moment, but I’m unsure of how to set realistic expectations for the conversation. I want to make sure that we establish clear boundaries now, before she starts overstepping. How would you handle this conversation? Any advice would be appreciated. Response: This is a delicate situation, and it’s understandable to want to set boundaries while keeping things as peaceful as possible. Here are a few steps you can take to navigate the conversation: Prepare as a Team: Before speaking with his mother, have a candid conversation with your partner about your expectations and how you both want the conversation to go. Make sure you're on the same page regarding boundaries, and decide in advance how you'll handle any negative or difficult responses. Keep it Short and Positive: When you visit his mother, keep the announcement brief and focused on the positive news. You might say something like, “We’re excited to let you know that we’re expecting! We’re looking forward to this new chapter in our lives.” Keeping it simple and optimistic will set the tone for the conversation. Set Clear Boundaries: If the conversation takes a turn toward negativity or drama, gently but firmly set your boundaries. You can say something like, “We’ve decided that we want to keep things positive and healthy from here on out. We’ll be focusing on a few family visits each year, and we’re hoping for a peaceful relationship moving forward.” Anticipate Difficult Reactions: Since your partner’s relationship with his mother has been strained, it’s possible she might react poorly. Be prepared for the possibility of her not reacting as you would like, and remember that you can always leave the conversation if it becomes too much. It’s important to prioritize your well-being and the well-being of your growing family. Be Consistent with Boundaries: After the initial conversation, it’s essential to maintain your boundaries. If she tries to overstep or cause drama later on, calmly remind her of the expectations you’ve set. Consistency is key to ensuring she understands what is and isn’t acceptable. Ultimately, it’s your family, and you get to decide how much or how little involvement you want from her. Trust your instincts and focus on creating the peaceful, positive environment you both deserve during this exciting time in your lives.

a month ago

This is indeed a sensitive situation, and it’s perfectly normal to feel conflicted about how to approach telling your partner’s mother about the pregnancy. Here are some steps and considerations that may help you navigate this conversation effectively:

1. Prepare as a Team

Before you approach his mother, it’s crucial to have an open and honest discussion with your partner. Talk about your feelings regarding her past behavior and what you both hope to achieve during this conversation. Make sure you're aligned on:

Expectations: Discuss what you both want from this conversation.
Boundaries: Clearly outline what topics are off-limits and how you would like to be treated.
Response Strategies: Plan how to respond if the conversation turns negative.

2. Keep it Short and Positive

When you do visit his mother, aim to keep the announcement brief and centered around the positive aspect of the news. You might say something like:

“We’re excited to share that we’re expecting! We’re looking forward to this new chapter in our lives.”

By keeping your message simple and optimistic, you can help set a positive tone for the conversation.

3. Set Clear Boundaries

If the conversation starts to veer into negativity or drama, it’s essential to assert your boundaries. You can gently but firmly express your wishes by saying something like:

“We really want to keep things positive and healthy moving forward. We’ve decided to focus on a few family visits each year, and we hope to maintain a peaceful relationship.”

This approach can help reinforce your desire for a healthier dynamic without escalating tensions.

4. Anticipate Difficult Reactions

Given the history of conflict, it's wise to prepare for a potential negative reaction. Here are some ways to handle this:

Stay Calm: If she reacts poorly, try to remain composed. Take deep breaths and remind yourself that her reaction is not a reflection of you.
Have an Exit Strategy: If things get too heated, it’s okay to excuse yourselves. You might say, “We appreciate you listening, but we feel it’s best to revisit this another time.”

5. Be Consistent with Boundaries

After the initial conversation, it’s vital to maintain those boundaries. If his mother attempts to overstep or create drama later, address it calmly. You might say:

“As we discussed, we’re focusing on keeping our relationship positive and healthy. Let’s stick to that.”

Consistency will be key in helping her understand what is acceptable behavior.

6. Focus on Your Family

Ultimately, this is about your family and the new life you’re bringing into the world. Trust your instincts and prioritize creating a supportive and loving environment as you both embark on this exciting journey. Remember that it’s okay to limit interactions with people who do not contribute positively to your lives.

In summary, while it’s important to approach this conversation with care, you also have the right to set boundaries that protect your emotional well-being. By preparing together, keeping the announcement positive, and being clear about your boundaries, you can navigate this situation in a way that feels right for both of you.

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