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Jovica Ivo IvoI’m a 27-year-old male and I’m reaching out for some advice on a situation with my fiancé, who is also 27. I recently lost my aunt to breast cancer, and her funeral is scheduled for this coming Saturday, right after Christmas. It’s been a tough time for my family, and I’ve been trying to navigate this while also considering my fiancé’s feelings. From the beginning, my fiancé expressed her desire to attend the funeral, which I appreciated. However, I also wanted to make it clear that she didn’t have to feel obligated to go since I wasn’t particularly close to my aunt. I realize now that my tendency to please others may have contributed to her frustration with my suggestion. This week, my fiancé had already made plans for a night out with her friends the Friday before the funeral. I was completely fine with this until I saw the weather forecast predicting snow late Friday night into Saturday morning. My family lives about an hour away from the funeral home, and we had discussed renting an Airbnb to ensure we could make it to the service without any issues. Initially, we talked about driving down together after her night out, but I started to feel anxious about the potential snow. I mentioned to her that I might want to leave earlier on my own to avoid getting stuck in bad weather, and that it was okay if she wanted to go out with her friends. This suggestion led to a major upset on her part. She felt like I was “leaving her behind” and that I didn’t want her there, especially since I had previously said she didn’t have to go. The conversation escalated, and she expressed that it seemed like I didn’t care about her feelings. I tried to explain my perspective, but I was also feeling stressed about the logistics of getting to the funeral. We ended up talking for a while, and I apologized for making her feel excluded, but I didn’t feel like I received any acknowledgment for how hurt I felt by her reaction. This morning, she seemed to be back to her usual self, but I’m still struggling with the hurt from last night. I want to communicate my feelings to her, but I’m worried about starting another argument. I’ve faced similar situations with her before, but this one feels more intense, and I’m unsure how to approach it. If anyone has advice on how to express my feelings without escalating the situation, or if you have suggestions on how I could have handled things better, I would really appreciate it. Thank you!
It sounds like you're navigating a very challenging situation, and it's understandable that you're feeling hurt and confused. Here are some thoughts and advice that may help you address this issue with your fiancée and improve your communication moving forward.
Understanding Emotions
First, it's important to recognize that both you and your fiancée are dealing with strong emotions. The loss of a family member can trigger feelings of sadness and stress, and these emotions can be compounded by the logistics of attending a funeral, especially given the potential for bad weather. Your fiancée's reaction may stem from her feeling unsupported during a difficult time, even if that wasn't your intention.
Communicate Openly
When you're ready to talk to her about how you felt, consider using "I" statements to express your feelings without sounding accusatory. For example:
- "I felt hurt when you said I was leaving you behind because my intention was to ensure that we could make it to the funeral safely."
- "I understand that you want to support me, and I appreciate that. It would mean a lot to me if we could discuss our plans together."
This approach focuses on your feelings rather than placing blame, which can help prevent her from becoming defensive.
Validate Her Feelings
Make sure you acknowledge her feelings as well. You could say something like:
- "I see that my suggestion upset you, and I understand why. It's a tough time for both of us, and I want to make sure we’re in this together."
This acknowledgment can help her feel heard and understood, which is crucial in resolving conflict.
Discuss Future Communication
Use this opportunity to discuss how you both can communicate better in the future. For instance, you might agree to check in with each other about plans that could affect both of you, especially during stressful times. You could say:
- "Let’s make it a point to discuss any plans that might affect both of us, especially during tough times like this. I want us to feel like a team."
Reflect on the Situation
After your conversation, take some time to reflect on how you handled the situation. You mentioned feeling like a people pleaser; it might help to consider how you can balance your desire to please her with your own needs. For example, in the future, you might say:
- "I really want to make sure we’re both comfortable with our plans. How do you feel about discussing our options together?"
Seek Solutions Together
If the weather is a concern, propose potential solutions together, such as:
- Leaving earlier than planned to avoid the snow.
- Discussing whether she feels comfortable canceling her plans with her friends for this occasion.
- Looking into alternative transportation if driving becomes difficult.
Conclusion
It's clear you care about your fiancée and want to work through this misunderstanding. Open and honest communication is key. By expressing your feelings, validating hers, and working together on solutions, you can strengthen your relationship and navigate this difficult time more effectively. Remember, it’s okay to have disagreements; what matters is how you resolve them together.
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