Clarissa Aubrianna

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My boyfriend (19) and I (18) are expecting a baby in February, and we’ve been trying to help his mom as much as possible. However, she often makes him feel guilty, claiming that he doesn't help her enough. To give you some background, her children (5 and 4 years old) haven't seen a dentist or doctor in who knows how long, they only eat junk food, don’t brush their teeth, and barely get baths (I’ve seen only two baths given during the time I lived with them). She also doesn't use car seats for the kids, among other concerning things. My boyfriend and I have been trying to move before our baby arrives. Despite this, his mom keeps suggesting that if he wants to come "home" after she moves in with a friend (she’s been staying with them since May), he should do so. This feels unfair to me since I am the mother of his child and we've been living together for almost two years. We’ve been trying to help her, even when she constantly asks for money (she gets $800 in food stamps), and it’s gotten to the point where it’s affecting us. Recently, she asked for $30 for food, and I questioned it, wondering why she needs more when she already gets food stamps. I wasn’t trying to make a big deal out of it, just asking for clarification. He went and told her about my question, and she started talking about me behind my back, saying how she didn’t like that I was “controlling his money.” She’s been asking for money from him almost every month, and it’s starting to cause tension. I ended up sending her a message saying how we’ve done so much for her, and I didn’t like that she was speaking negatively about me. She accused me of “throwing things in her face,” which wasn’t the case at all. I was also standing up for him because she treats him like he’s responsible for everything, even making him feel like he needs a second job to “take care of his mother.” After my message, she threatened to never speak to him again or let him see his siblings. When I told my boyfriend what happened, he said I created a problem, and that he couldn’t side with me because “she’s different.” He basically called himself a mama’s boy. Now, I’m wondering if I’m in the wrong for how I handled this and if I’m being unreasonable by feeling the way I do. I think about the kids being neglected, but every time I bring it up to him, he doesn’t say anything. Answer: It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation, and it's completely understandable that you're feeling frustrated and upset. You’re not in the wrong for standing up for yourself and questioning your boyfriend’s mom’s actions, especially when it comes to how she’s treating her children and her constant requests for money. You have valid concerns about the well-being of the kids and the toll her behavior is taking on your relationship. In relationships, especially with a partner who is very close to their family, it’s common to encounter tension when you feel like you’re being put in a difficult spot or being disrespected. Your boyfriend's loyalty to his mother is understandably strong, but that doesn't mean your feelings and needs should be overlooked. It’s important to recognize that standing up for your own well-being and setting boundaries is necessary, even if it’s uncomfortable or misunderstood. As for the message you sent, it sounds like you were simply trying to express your concerns and stand up for your boyfriend, as he’s being put in a difficult position by his mother. You didn’t do anything wrong by being honest, but it seems like your boyfriend may feel conflicted due to his close relationship with his mom. This can lead him to avoid confrontation, even if it means not addressing the serious issues at hand. You might want to have a calm, honest conversation with your boyfriend about how his mother’s behavior is affecting you and the stress it’s putting on your relationship. It’s important that both of you are on the same page, especially with the arrival of your baby soon. If he’s not open to discussing it, it may be worth considering whether this dynamic is sustainable, as it’s crucial to prioritize the health of your relationship and the well-being of your child. Ultimately, you're not wrong for having concerns, and it’s okay to set boundaries when someone’s actions are negatively affecting your life. It's a matter of how you and your boyfriend can work together to handle this situation, ensuring both your needs and his are being addressed in a way that respects the future you're building together.