I (28M) find myself in a challenging situation with my girlfriend (28F) after five years together. When we first started dating, we used to split our expenses fairly evenly. At that time, I was earning less, while she was preparing for her MBA and had a comfortable financial cushion from her parents. As our relationship progressed, I began to take on more financial responsibility, especially after she left her job to focus on her MBA full-time. I didn’t mind at first, thinking it was temporary and that I could support her during this period. I covered everything from small purchases like pens to larger expenses like flights and outings with her friends. While she expressed gratitude and often said she wouldn’t have managed without my support, I started to feel the strain on my own finances. My savings dwindled, and I found myself unable to set aside money for my future. Now that she has completed her MBA and started a new job in September 2024, I’ve noticed a shift in her mindset. Despite her earning a salary, she continues to rely on me for all expenses, assuming I can cover everything because I have a higher income now. Our relationship has faced challenges, particularly because her parents have high expectations for her partner, seeking someone with substantial wealth and property. I come from a lower-middle-class background, which has created some tension between us. Despite this, I wanted to support her, believing that our bond was strong enough to overcome these hurdles. Recently, I made a significant investment by purchasing a flat in Bangalore, intending it to be a step toward our future together. I paid the down payment and planned to take out a home loan for the remainder. Before making this purchase, I explicitly asked her if she was committed to marrying me, and she assured me she was. However, just days after the purchase, she expressed that if we didn’t end up together, I would still benefit from the flat, implying that my decision was not solely for our relationship. This comment left me feeling hurt and confused. Despite my feelings, I continued to pay for her expenses, including her brother's phone, her headphones, and her flight tickets. However, I’ve reached a breaking point. I need to establish clear financial boundaries and communicate my feelings to her. I want to ask her to repay me for the recent expenses and to find her own living arrangements, as I feel overwhelmed by the financial burden. I’m unsure how to approach this conversation without causing conflict. I also question whether I’ve been foolish for allowing this dynamic to develop and whether it’s time for me to reconsider the future of our relationship. I’m contemplating discussing my feelings with my parents and exploring the possibility of an arranged marriage. How can I effectively communicate my needs and boundaries to her? Am I wrong for wanting to prioritize my financial well-being and future? Any advice on how to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated. January 9, 2025 8:29 PM I (25 F) reacted after a gut feeling and snooped in my (29 M) bfs phone…now im confused. BACK STORY : So my boyfriend and I have a healthy relationship there is no lack of trust or loyalty and we’ve been together for about 2 years now and been living together 2 years as well. As of the past few months i noticed that he has been getting very comfortable in our relationship and has lacked in some ways such as intimacy, and quality time. We work separate schedules (he works mornings and i work nights) i started noticing id come home from work, we’d have a small chat and then back to video games he’d go then wed go to bed and barely chat. ( btw i dont mind gaming cause i game too) but after thinking about it we would never actually have quality time together it would be me doing whatever and him prioritizing his games even though we barely talked or saw each other that day/days i worked. i recently sat him down and told him i want more quality time and as of lately he has been doing that some what. He had a work trip last month (he was gone for a week) and while he was gone he’d call me daily but on thr phone we would barely talk. it was just awkward silence..he denied being weird and that he was tired. But lately i had this weird feeling he isnt telling me something cause he gets kinda weird when he is holding stuff back. he keeps denying when i ask. like he says he is happy and etc. i know what you guys are gonna say but…I decided to snoop in his phone and just see if he is hiding anything. I found written in his notes what looks like a paragraph he was going to tell me before christmas but he didnt do. he told me he wants to spend many Christmas’s together etc…but this paragraph in his phone was written a couple weeks before christmas saying he is unhappy and he wants to focus on himself and his job, and that he wants to move on etc…im confused now…do i ask him about it or just wait a bit to see what his body language is moving forward? re write the story January 9, 2025 8:33 PM **Title: Navigating Confusion After Snooping: A Relationship Dilemma** I (25F) recently found myself in a complicated situation with my boyfriend (29M) after acting on a gut feeling and snooping through his phone. To give you some background, we’ve been together for about two years and have been living together for the same amount of time. Overall, our relationship has been healthy, with no significant trust issues or signs of disloyalty. However, in recent months, I’ve noticed a shift in his behavior. He seems to have become quite comfortable in our relationship, which has led to a decline in intimacy and quality time together. We both work different schedules—he works mornings while I work nights—which has made it challenging for us to connect. I began to realize that when I’d come home from work, we would have a brief chat, and then he would retreat to playing video games. While I enjoy gaming too, I couldn’t shake the feeling that we were missing out on meaningful time together. Our conversations felt minimal, and it seemed like he prioritized his games over our connection. After reflecting on this, I sat him down to express my desire for more quality time together. He made some effort to accommodate this, but it still felt lacking. Recently, he went on a work trip for a week, and although he called me daily, our conversations were awkward and filled with silence. When I brought it up, he brushed it off, claiming he was just tired. Despite his assurances that he was happy, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. His demeanor suggested he might be holding back something significant. Acting on my instincts, I decided to look through his phone, hoping to uncover any hidden truths. What I found shocked me: in his notes, there was a paragraph he had written a few weeks before Christmas. It expressed feelings of unhappiness and a desire to focus on himself and his job, even mentioning that he wanted to move on. Now, I’m left feeling confused and unsure of how to proceed. Should I confront him about what I found, or should I wait and observe his behavior to see if there are any changes? I’m torn between wanting to address the issue directly and giving him space to open up on his own terms. How should I handle this situation?

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I (28M) find myself in a challenging situation with my girlfriend (28F) after five years together. When we first started dating, we used to split our expenses fairly evenly. At that time, I was earning less, while she was preparing for her MBA and had a comfortable financial cushion from her parents. As our relationship progressed, I began to take on more financial responsibility, especially after she left her job to focus on her MBA full-time. I didn’t mind at first, thinking it was temporary and that I could support her during this period. I covered everything from small purchases like pens to larger expenses like flights and outings with her friends. While she expressed gratitude and often said she wouldn’t have managed without my support, I started to feel the strain on my own finances. My savings dwindled, and I found myself unable to set aside money for my future. Now that she has completed her MBA and started a new job in September 2024, I’ve noticed a shift in her mindset. Despite her earning a salary, she continues to rely on me for all expenses, assuming I can cover everything because I have a higher income now. Our relationship has faced challenges, particularly because her parents have high expectations for her partner, seeking someone with substantial wealth and property. I come from a lower-middle-class background, which has created some tension between us. Despite this, I wanted to support her, believing that our bond was strong enough to overcome these hurdles. Recently, I made a significant investment by purchasing a flat in Bangalore, intending it to be a step toward our future together. I paid the down payment and planned to take out a home loan for the remainder. Before making this purchase, I explicitly asked her if she was committed to marrying me, and she assured me she was. However, just days after the purchase, she expressed that if we didn’t end up together, I would still benefit from the flat, implying that my decision was not solely for our relationship. This comment left me feeling hurt and confused. Despite my feelings, I continued to pay for her expenses, including her brother's phone, her headphones, and her flight tickets. However, I’ve reached a breaking point. I need to establish clear financial boundaries and communicate my feelings to her. I want to ask her to repay me for the recent expenses and to find her own living arrangements, as I feel overwhelmed by the financial burden. I’m unsure how to approach this conversation without causing conflict. I also question whether I’ve been foolish for allowing this dynamic to develop and whether it’s time for me to reconsider the future of our relationship. I’m contemplating discussing my feelings with my parents and exploring the possibility of an arranged marriage. How can I effectively communicate my needs and boundaries to her? Am I wrong for wanting to prioritize my financial well-being and future? Any advice on how to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated. January 9, 2025 8:29 PM I (25 F) reacted after a gut feeling and snooped in my (29 M) bfs phone…now im confused. BACK STORY : So my boyfriend and I have a healthy relationship there is no lack of trust or loyalty and we’ve been together for about 2 years now and been living together 2 years as well. As of the past few months i noticed that he has been getting very comfortable in our relationship and has lacked in some ways such as intimacy, and quality time. We work separate schedules (he works mornings and i work nights) i started noticing id come home from work, we’d have a small chat and then back to video games he’d go then wed go to bed and barely chat. ( btw i dont mind gaming cause i game too) but after thinking about it we would never actually have quality time together it would be me doing whatever and him prioritizing his games even though we barely talked or saw each other that day/days i worked. i recently sat him down and told him i want more quality time and as of lately he has been doing that some what. He had a work trip last month (he was gone for a week) and while he was gone he’d call me daily but on thr phone we would barely talk. it was just awkward silence..he denied being weird and that he was tired. But lately i had this weird feeling he isnt telling me something cause he gets kinda weird when he is holding stuff back. he keeps denying when i ask. like he says he is happy and etc. i know what you guys are gonna say but…I decided to snoop in his phone and just see if he is hiding anything. I found written in his notes what looks like a paragraph he was going to tell me before christmas but he didnt do. he told me he wants to spend many Christmas’s together etc…but this paragraph in his phone was written a couple weeks before christmas saying he is unhappy and he wants to focus on himself and his job, and that he wants to move on etc…im confused now…do i ask him about it or just wait a bit to see what his body language is moving forward? re write the story January 9, 2025 8:33 PM Title: Navigating Confusion After Snooping: A Relationship Dilemma I (25F) recently found myself in a complicated situation with my boyfriend (29M) after acting on a gut feeling and snooping through his phone. To give you some background, we’ve been together for about two years and have been living together for the same amount of time. Overall, our relationship has been healthy, with no significant trust issues or signs of disloyalty. However, in recent months, I’ve noticed a shift in his behavior. He seems to have become quite comfortable in our relationship, which has led to a decline in intimacy and quality time together. We both work different schedules—he works mornings while I work nights—which has made it challenging for us to connect. I began to realize that when I’d come home from work, we would have a brief chat, and then he would retreat to playing video games. While I enjoy gaming too, I couldn’t shake the feeling that we were missing out on meaningful time together. Our conversations felt minimal, and it seemed like he prioritized his games over our connection. After reflecting on this, I sat him down to express my desire for more quality time together. He made some effort to accommodate this, but it still felt lacking. Recently, he went on a work trip for a week, and although he called me daily, our conversations were awkward and filled with silence. When I brought it up, he brushed it off, claiming he was just tired. Despite his assurances that he was happy, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. His demeanor suggested he might be holding back something significant. Acting on my instincts, I decided to look through his phone, hoping to uncover any hidden truths. What I found shocked me: in his notes, there was a paragraph he had written a few weeks before Christmas. It expressed feelings of unhappiness and a desire to focus on himself and his job, even mentioning that he wanted to move on. Now, I’m left feeling confused and unsure of how to proceed. Should I confront him about what I found, or should I wait and observe his behavior to see if there are any changes? I’m torn between wanting to address the issue directly and giving him space to open up on his own terms. How should I handle this situation?

a month ago

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It sounds like you're in a challenging and confusing situation, and it’s completely understandable to feel this way given the circumstances. Let's break down your feelings and options logically.

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings:

First, it’s important to recognize that your feelings of confusion and concern are valid. You’ve noticed changes in your boyfriend’s behavior, which has led you to feel uneasy. Trust your instincts—often, they are based on subtle cues that we may not consciously recognize.

2. Understand the Context:

From what you've described, it seems like your boyfriend has become more distant, particularly concerning intimacy and quality time. This is significant because relationships thrive on connection and communication. The fact that you’ve already expressed your need for more quality time is a positive step, and it shows you value the relationship.

3. The Snooping Dilemma:

Snooping can often lead to deeper issues of trust. While you acted on a gut feeling, it’s important to reflect on whether this action aligns with your values and the foundation of your relationship. Finding that note has understandably heightened your concerns. It might indicate that he’s feeling overwhelmed or uncertain, but it does not necessarily mean he wants to end things with you.

4. Open Communication:

Now, regarding whether to confront him about what you discovered, consider this:

Choose the Right Moment: Find a calm time when you both can sit down without distractions. This will allow for a more meaningful conversation.
Express Your Concerns: Instead of directly accusing him of hiding things, frame your feelings in a way that emphasizes your concern for both of you. For example, you could say, “I’ve noticed that things feel a bit different between us lately, and I found something that raised some concerns for me. Can we talk about it?”
Encourage Honesty: Let him know that you want him to feel safe sharing his thoughts and feelings with you. This can help foster a more open dialogue.

5. Observe His Response:

Pay attention to his body language and reactions during your conversation. Is he defensive, or does he seem open and willing to discuss his feelings? His response can provide insights into his current state of mind and feelings toward the relationship.

6. Consider the Future:

After your conversation, take some time to reflect on what he shares. If he expresses a desire to work on things, that’s a positive sign. However, if he continues to seem distant or evasive, it might require a deeper evaluation of the relationship and whether both of you are on the same page regarding your future together.

7. Seek Support:

Finally, don’t hesitate to talk to friends or a therapist about your feelings. Sometimes, an outside perspective can help clarify your thoughts and feelings.

In summary, open communication is key. Approach the situation with empathy and a genuine desire to understand his perspective. Relationships can go through phases, and addressing issues together can often strengthen your bond.

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