I’m a 23-year-old guy, and I’ve been dating my girlfriend, who is 20, for a few months now. Everything between us has been going really well. We have a great connection, we rarely argue, and both her friends and family seem to like me. Overall, it feels like we’re building something special together. However, I've noticed that she brings up her ex quite frequently. Initially, I didn’t mind it, but it’s becoming more concerning. She mentioned that they’re still friends, which I thought was fine at first, but now it feels excessive. Her ex has even told her parents that he regrets breaking up with her, which adds to my unease. There are certain boundaries that seem to be crossed too. For instance, she kept photos of them together in her room until I brought it up, and while she did take them down, it still felt like it was a sign of lingering attachment. She also hasn’t introduced me to friends who are connected to him, and she rarely posts photos of us on social media, yet she continues to keep up pictures of her and her ex. Recently, she reposted TikToks about going through a breakup, which made me feel uncomfortable. We had a small argument on New Year’s because she went to a party back home, where she wore his jumper and posted a photo with him in it. It hurt to see that, and while she apologized and said she wouldn’t do something like that again, it still lingers in my mind. Last night, we had a more serious conversation about her feelings for her ex. She admitted that she still loves him, saying, “It’s hard to stop loving someone when you were with them for that long.” She described their relationship as feeling different, more like a friendship, while ours is more conventional. She also mentioned that she can't change her feelings for him. Lately, I’ve noticed that she hardly says “I love you” unless I say it first, which has been bothering me. While I truly care for her and believe we have a wonderful relationship, the ongoing connection to her ex is becoming a significant concern for me. I’m looking for advice on how to address this situation. I want to communicate my feelings without coming off as controlling or insecure, but I also want to ensure that we’re both on the same page about our relationship. Any suggestions?

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Jakub Radomir

I’m a 23-year-old guy, and I’ve been dating my girlfriend, who is 20, for a few months now. Everything between us has been going really well. We have a great connection, we rarely argue, and both her friends and family seem to like me. Overall, it feels like we’re building something special together. However, I've noticed that she brings up her ex quite frequently. Initially, I didn’t mind it, but it’s becoming more concerning. She mentioned that they’re still friends, which I thought was fine at first, but now it feels excessive. Her ex has even told her parents that he regrets breaking up with her, which adds to my unease. There are certain boundaries that seem to be crossed too. For instance, she kept photos of them together in her room until I brought it up, and while she did take them down, it still felt like it was a sign of lingering attachment. She also hasn’t introduced me to friends who are connected to him, and she rarely posts photos of us on social media, yet she continues to keep up pictures of her and her ex. Recently, she reposted TikToks about going through a breakup, which made me feel uncomfortable. We had a small argument on New Year’s because she went to a party back home, where she wore his jumper and posted a photo with him in it. It hurt to see that, and while she apologized and said she wouldn’t do something like that again, it still lingers in my mind. Last night, we had a more serious conversation about her feelings for her ex. She admitted that she still loves him, saying, “It’s hard to stop loving someone when you were with them for that long.” She described their relationship as feeling different, more like a friendship, while ours is more conventional. She also mentioned that she can't change her feelings for him. Lately, I’ve noticed that she hardly says “I love you” unless I say it first, which has been bothering me. While I truly care for her and believe we have a wonderful relationship, the ongoing connection to her ex is becoming a significant concern for me. I’m looking for advice on how to address this situation. I want to communicate my feelings without coming off as controlling or insecure, but I also want to ensure that we’re both on the same page about our relationship. Any suggestions?

a month ago

It's understandable that you’re feeling uncomfortable about your girlfriend's ongoing connection with her ex. Communication is key in any relationship, especially when navigating sensitive topics like this. Here are some steps and tips on how to approach the conversation with her:

1. Choose the Right Time and Place

Find a calm and private setting where both of you can talk without distractions. Make sure it’s a time when neither of you is stressed or in a rush. You want to create an environment that feels safe for open dialogue.

2. Use "I" Statements

When discussing your feelings, frame your statements around your experiences rather than making accusatory remarks. For example:

Instead of: "You talk about your ex too much."
Try: "I feel uncomfortable when I hear about your ex often because it makes me wonder about our relationship."

3. Express Your Feelings

Be honest about how her actions are affecting you. You might say:

"I love you and value our relationship, but I often feel insecure when I see you keeping photos of your ex or when you mention him frequently. It makes me question where I stand in your life."

4. Discuss Boundaries

It's essential to establish what is acceptable for both of you in the relationship. You can propose discussing boundaries around her friendship with her ex:

Example: "I understand that you care for your ex, but I think it would help our relationship if we set some boundaries regarding how often we talk about exes or how involved they are in our lives."

5. Listen to Her Perspective

After sharing your feelings, give her space to express her thoughts. It's crucial to listen actively to what she has to say. This can provide insight into her feelings and help you understand her better.

6. Talk About Love and Commitment

Since she mentioned she still loves her ex, discuss what love means in the context of your relationship. You could say:

"I understand that feelings from the past can linger, but I want to know how you see our relationship moving forward. What can we do to strengthen our bond?"

7. Reassess the Relationship

If after your discussion, you still feel that her connection with her ex is a significant issue, you may need to evaluate whether this relationship can meet your emotional needs. It's essential to prioritize your well-being.

8. Seek Professional Guidance

If the conversation becomes too difficult or if you feel stuck, consider seeking the help of a relationship counselor. They can provide a neutral space for both of you to express your feelings and work through these issues.

9. Be Prepared for Any Outcome

Understand that she may need time to process the conversation. Be patient and give her space to reflect on her feelings. Sometimes, relationships require difficult discussions, and being open will help you both grow, whether together or apart.

Ultimately, the goal is to create a healthy relationship dynamic where both partners feel secure and valued. Good luck with your conversation!

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