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"I (27F) have been with my partner (29M) since I was 16, and while we’ve been through a lot together and have had many happy moments, I’m struggling with my feelings. I used to love him deeply, almost obsessively in the early years, and while his love for me has grown stronger over time, I’ve noticed my feelings for him have shifted. We’ve built a life together—purchasing our first home in 2019, having our first child in 2022, and preparing to move into our forever home. Despite all of this, I’ve been grappling with my emotions. I do love him, but I don’t feel in love with him anymore. This feeling has been lingering for a while, and over the past year, it has become more noticeable. When he’s not around, I miss him and look forward to seeing him, but when he’s home, I almost wish he would go back to work. I find myself preferring my own company, avoiding intimacy, and feeling irritated with him more often than I used to. We both work full-time, but he works shifts while I have a 9-5 job. Despite us both being tired, I end up doing most of the cooking, cleaning, and child-rearing, which frustrates me because he complains about being tired too. I know he works hard, and I understand why he feels exhausted, but it still leaves me feeling overwhelmed and unsupported. He’s a really great person, which is what makes this even harder for me to process. What’s worse is that I’m not as attracted to him anymore, and that makes me feel guilty. I feel bad for not wanting to give the same energy to him as I did before. I have to consciously remind myself to do nice things for him because it doesn’t come naturally like it used to. I still love him, but it’s not the same. I don’t know how to tell him that I don’t feel the same way, but I also don’t want to keep pretending, because it’s affecting my happiness. We don’t argue much, and when I express my frustrations, he listens and apologizes. We move forward, but I feel stuck. I need help figuring out how to navigate this situation. What should I do?"

a month ago
38

It sounds like you are navigating a complex emotional landscape, and it's completely normal to experience shifts in feelings within a long-term relationship. The journey of love can evolve, and what you’re feeling is a part of that evolution. Here are some thoughts and strategies that might help you process your feelings and navigate this situation.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

First, it’s important to recognize that your feelings are valid. Love can change over time, and it’s okay to feel less 'in love' while still caring deeply for someone. It might be helpful to reflect on your feelings and understand what specifically has shifted. Are there particular moments or changes in your life that you believe contributed to this shift?

Open Communication

You mentioned that you express your frustrations, and he listens. This is a good foundation for open communication. Consider having a deeper conversation about your feelings. You might say something like:

“I want to talk about how I’ve been feeling lately. I love you and appreciate everything we’ve built together, but I’ve noticed that my feelings have changed, and it’s been hard for me to process.”

Being honest doesn’t mean you have to make any immediate decisions, but it can help both of you understand each other better.

Explore Changes Together

Since you both have busy lives, it’s easy to fall into routines that can make the relationship feel stagnant. Consider scheduling regular date nights or quality time together, where you can reconnect without distractions. Sometimes, simply changing your environment or routine can reignite feelings of intimacy and attraction.

Address the Imbalance

The feelings of being overwhelmed and unsupported can create resentment over time. It might be beneficial to discuss household responsibilities openly. You could try a conversation like:

“I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed with the household tasks and parenting responsibilities. Can we talk about how we can better share these duties?”

Finding a balance in your partnership can help reduce feelings of frustration and reinforce your connection.

Reflect on Attraction

Attraction can fluctuate in relationships, especially after significant life changes like having a child. Consider exploring new ways to connect intimately, both physically and emotionally. This might involve trying new activities together or finding ways to appreciate each other in different lights. It’s also important to take care of your own well-being; engaging in activities that make you feel good about yourself can positively impact your attraction to your partner.

Seek Professional Guidance

If you find it challenging to navigate these feelings alone, consider speaking with a therapist, individually or as a couple. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore your feelings, address any underlying issues, and find constructive ways to communicate and reconnect.

Allow Yourself Time

Finally, give yourself permission to take the time you need to process your emotions. Relationships can ebb and flow, and sometimes simply allowing yourself to feel and reflect can lead to clarity.

Remember, it’s okay to love someone but not feel 'in love' with them in the same way you once did. It's possible to redefine your relationship and find a new way to connect that honors both your feelings and the history you share. Take things one step at a time, and prioritize your own emotional health as you navigate this journey.

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