It sounds like you are navigating a complex and emotionally charged situation. It’s important to acknowledge the challenges you face as a widow with two teenage boys, while also trying to build a new life with your husband. Here are some key points to consider:

Understanding Parenting Styles

Your approach to parenting, which is more permissive and understanding, stems from the traumatic experiences your children have faced. It’s commendable that you prioritize their emotional well-being, especially after losing their father. However, your husband’s concerns about your children’s focus on the future are valid as well. It may help to find a middle ground where both of you can discuss and agree on parenting strategies that respect your approach while also addressing your husband’s concerns.

Communication is Key

The root of many conflicts in relationships often lies in communication. Your tendency to avoid conflict can lead to a lack of transparency, which can create feelings of mistrust. It might be beneficial to establish regular check-ins with your husband to discuss parenting issues openly. For instance, you could set aside time each week to talk about the boys' progress and any concerns you both have. This will not only help in building trust but also in ensuring that both of you are on the same page.

Addressing Trust Issues

Your husband’s feelings of betrayal and mistrust regarding your decisions about the kids need to be addressed thoughtfully. When he expresses that he feels betrayed, it might help to validate his feelings while explaining your perspective. For example, you could say, "I understand that my choice not to tell you about our son quitting his job made you feel like I was hiding things, but my intention was to avoid conflict at that moment. I want us to work through this together."

Setting Boundaries and Expectations

Regarding the New Year’s Eve incident, it’s crucial to discuss boundaries and expectations in advance. While your husband had a valid point about wanting the friend to leave at a specific time, the fact that the party was still lively could have warranted some flexibility. In the future, consider discussing such scenarios ahead of time, so both of you are clear on what to expect and can avoid misunderstandings.

Rebuilding Trust

Your husband’s request for documentation about his anger and how to prevent future issues might seem excessive, but it indicates a desire for clarity. You could frame this as an opportunity for both of you to articulate your feelings and establish a plan moving forward. Consider creating a shared document where both of you can write down your concerns and proposed solutions. This can serve as a reference point during discussions and help reduce misunderstandings.

Support for Each Other

Lastly, remember that you are both adjusting to a new family dynamic. Encourage your husband to seek out work or activities that can help him feel more fulfilled and less reliant on you financially. This may relieve some pressure and allow him to contribute positively to the household. Similarly, ensure that you also have support, whether through friends, family, or counseling, as navigating these changes can be emotionally taxing.

In summary, while your husband's feelings are valid, it’s important to address them through open communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to understand each other's perspectives. Building trust takes time, but with patience and effort from both sides, you can create a harmonious environment for your family.