I can understand how deeply painful and challenging this situation must be for you. It’s incredibly difficult when you feel like your well-being, and that of your children, is being disregarded because of your mother-in-law's toxic behavior, especially when your husband is caught between his love for you and his loyalty to his mother. It seems that while your husband does recognize some of her harmful actions, he still holds on to the hope that things can improve, which complicates your ability to fully protect your family from her negativity.

Here are some steps you could consider in navigating this difficult situation:

1. Set Clear Boundaries: It’s essential to protect yourself and your children, and boundaries are an important part of that. It's okay to establish firm limits on what kind of behavior you will tolerate and what will not be accepted. For example, you can make it clear that your mother-in-law will not be allowed to interact with your children if she continues to act in ways that are harmful or disrespectful to you. You have every right to prioritize your mental health and the well-being of your children over maintaining peace with someone who continuously mistreats you.
2. Communicate with Your Husband: It's important to have a heartfelt conversation with your husband about how much this situation is affecting you. Acknowledge that you understand his desire to maintain a relationship with his mother, but emphasize how deeply hurtful her behavior has been and how it has impacted you and your family. Express that while you don't want to force him to choose between you and his mother, you need him to understand that your boundaries are necessary for the emotional safety of your family. Be clear that you can’t be expected to just "move on" from years of hurtful actions.
3. Therapy for Both of You: Couples therapy could be a helpful space for you and your husband to work through the conflicting feelings you both have. A therapist can assist in helping him understand the long-term effects of his mother's actions and the impact it has on you. Therapy can also help you both navigate the emotional tension of balancing respect for his mother with your own needs for safety, peace, and respect.
4. Support Your Own Healing: Dealing with this kind of toxic behavior over time can take a toll on your emotional health. Consider finding support from a therapist, support group, or trusted friends and family who can help you process these feelings and validate your experiences. It’s important for you to have a space to heal and gain strength, especially when you’re feeling emotionally drained by your mother-in-law's actions.
5. Limit Interactions with Your Mother-In-Law: If your husband insists on maintaining a relationship with his mother, it might help to create more distance between you and her. This could mean limiting the frequency of visits, setting time frames for when you’re willing to interact, or ensuring that any interaction takes place in a controlled, neutral space where you feel safe. By having a clear structure, you reduce the likelihood of being caught off guard by her hurtful behavior.
6. Stay Firm in Your Boundaries: Ultimately, your responsibility is to protect yourself and your children. If your mother-in-law continues to disrespect you and behave in ways that are damaging to your family, it’s okay to take a step back or even cut ties if necessary. Your mental and emotional health are paramount, and it's okay to walk away from toxic relationships that consistently harm you. Your husband may not fully understand at first, but with time, he will likely see that your decision is not out of malice but out of a need to create a healthy environment for your family.
7. Find Common Ground with Your Husband: While it’s clear that you both have different views on how to handle his mother, try to find some common ground. You both want what’s best for your family, and maybe there’s a way to bridge the gap between your desires. Perhaps he could be more involved in setting boundaries with his mother on your behalf, or you could work together on finding compromises that respect both of your feelings.

I completely empathize with how exhausting this cycle of toxicity and reconciliation can be. It’s important to prioritize your own well-being and stand firm in your boundaries, no matter how hard it may be for your husband to fully grasp the extent of your pain. You have every right to protect yourself and your family from harmful behavior, and it’s okay to assert those boundaries in a way that fosters peace and safety for you and your children.