Help With Sorting Out Gift and Holiday Planning Issues with My Girlfriend Hi everyone, I (23M) am looking for advice on how to handle some holiday-related issues with my girlfriend (24F). We’ve been together for just over a year, and these issues didn’t seem like a big deal at first, but I’ve ended up feeling sad and disappointed about them. I tend to go all out on holidays and gifts for the people I care about. For example, I spent a few hundred dollars individually on gifts and plans for Valentine’s Day, her birthday, and Christmas this past year. I didn’t grow up with much family, so now that I’m more financially stable, I like to put extra effort into making the holidays special for those I care about. On the other hand, my girlfriend comes from a large, very close-knit family. She spent Christmas with her family, which wasn’t an issue. I knew she’d be there, and I didn’t expect her to invite me. But before Christmas, we’d been talking for weeks about exchanging gifts. I spent quite a bit of money and effort picking out thoughtful presents for her, but when it came time for gifts, she didn’t get me anything. Around the same time, she said she wanted to plan something special for my birthday, especially since I planned her birthday. But when New Year’s Eve came (which is also my birthday), there were no plans, no gifts, and no reservations—nothing. I had planned a large dinner with her and all her friends, paid for the entire dinner, and bought gifts for her last birthday. I had hoped things would be different for my birthday, but they weren’t. We also had a similar issue on Valentine’s Day, where she didn’t reciprocate the gift-giving. I’d hoped things would be different this year, but they weren’t. I initially tried to bring it up after New Year’s, and she said she’s really bad at planning and gets overwhelmed with the details. I understand that, especially since we both have ADHD. She even offered for me to treat myself to something expensive using her credit card, but I declined because it didn’t feel the same. It’s not about the value of the gift for me, but rather the thought and effort behind it. Every gift I’ve gotten her has been carefully planned based on things she loves, like tickets to her favorite band, a boat tour of a city she’s wanted to see, and a signed autograph from her favorite actor. But I would’ve been perfectly happy with something as simple as flowers or a movie date. I brought this up again a few days later because I felt like we should set clear expectations for future holidays and gift-giving—what to expect and what not to expect. I told her that I’d feel uncomfortable continuing to go all out on gifts and plans if they weren’t going to be reciprocated. She cried during the conversation, which she tends to do during discussions like this (we don’t fight, but she breaks down when we have disagreements). After that, we didn’t really set any clear expectations, and I’m still feeling a bit sad and disappointed. Now, whenever we talk, things feel a little awkward. It seems like this issue has turned into something bigger than it actually is, and I’m not sure how to move forward. TL;DR: My girlfriend doesn’t reciprocate gifts during holidays after saying she would, and I’m feeling disappointed about it. How do I address this in a way that doesn’t make things awkward?

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Margaretta Lamar

Help With Sorting Out Gift and Holiday Planning Issues with My Girlfriend Hi everyone, I (23M) am looking for advice on how to handle some holiday-related issues with my girlfriend (24F). We’ve been together for just over a year, and these issues didn’t seem like a big deal at first, but I’ve ended up feeling sad and disappointed about them. I tend to go all out on holidays and gifts for the people I care about. For example, I spent a few hundred dollars individually on gifts and plans for Valentine’s Day, her birthday, and Christmas this past year. I didn’t grow up with much family, so now that I’m more financially stable, I like to put extra effort into making the holidays special for those I care about. On the other hand, my girlfriend comes from a large, very close-knit family. She spent Christmas with her family, which wasn’t an issue. I knew she’d be there, and I didn’t expect her to invite me. But before Christmas, we’d been talking for weeks about exchanging gifts. I spent quite a bit of money and effort picking out thoughtful presents for her, but when it came time for gifts, she didn’t get me anything. Around the same time, she said she wanted to plan something special for my birthday, especially since I planned her birthday. But when New Year’s Eve came (which is also my birthday), there were no plans, no gifts, and no reservations—nothing. I had planned a large dinner with her and all her friends, paid for the entire dinner, and bought gifts for her last birthday. I had hoped things would be different for my birthday, but they weren’t. We also had a similar issue on Valentine’s Day, where she didn’t reciprocate the gift-giving. I’d hoped things would be different this year, but they weren’t. I initially tried to bring it up after New Year’s, and she said she’s really bad at planning and gets overwhelmed with the details. I understand that, especially since we both have ADHD. She even offered for me to treat myself to something expensive using her credit card, but I declined because it didn’t feel the same. It’s not about the value of the gift for me, but rather the thought and effort behind it. Every gift I’ve gotten her has been carefully planned based on things she loves, like tickets to her favorite band, a boat tour of a city she’s wanted to see, and a signed autograph from her favorite actor. But I would’ve been perfectly happy with something as simple as flowers or a movie date. I brought this up again a few days later because I felt like we should set clear expectations for future holidays and gift-giving—what to expect and what not to expect. I told her that I’d feel uncomfortable continuing to go all out on gifts and plans if they weren’t going to be reciprocated. She cried during the conversation, which she tends to do during discussions like this (we don’t fight, but she breaks down when we have disagreements). After that, we didn’t really set any clear expectations, and I’m still feeling a bit sad and disappointed. Now, whenever we talk, things feel a little awkward. It seems like this issue has turned into something bigger than it actually is, and I’m not sure how to move forward. TL;DR: My girlfriend doesn’t reciprocate gifts during holidays after saying she would, and I’m feeling disappointed about it. How do I address this in a way that doesn’t make things awkward?

a month ago

It sounds like you're in a tough situation, and it's completely understandable to feel disappointed when your expectations around gift-giving and holiday planning aren't met. Here are some thoughts and suggestions that might help you navigate this issue:

Understanding Expectations

It's important to recognize that everyone has different perspectives on gift-giving and celebrations, often shaped by their upbringing and personal experiences. You mentioned you come from a smaller family background, while your girlfriend has a large and close-knit family. This difference can impact how each of you approaches holidays and gifts.

Communicating Your Feelings

It seems that you've already initiated conversations about your feelings, which is a great first step. However, it might help to approach the discussion with a focus on expressing your feelings rather than pointing out what she hasn't done. For example:

Use "I" statements: Instead of saying, "You didn’t get me a gift," you might say, "I felt a bit sad when I didn't receive a gift because I put a lot of thought into yours." This can help lessen the defensiveness and encourage a more open conversation.
Be specific about your feelings: Explain why gifts mean a lot to you. You could say something like, "For me, gifts are a way to show love and appreciation, and when I go all out, I hope to feel that in return."

Setting Future Expectations

Since you both have ADHD, it’s possible that planning and remembering details can be challenging. Here are some ways to set future expectations that can be more manageable:

Create a Holiday Calendar: Sit down together and mark significant dates on a shared calendar. This can include birthdays, anniversaries, and other special occasions. This visual reminder can help both of you prepare in advance.
Discuss Gift Budgets: Agree on a budget or a type of gift (like experiences instead of material items) for each occasion. This can take the pressure off and make it feel more equitable.
Plan Together: Consider planning holidays as a team. This way, both of you can contribute ideas and responsibilities, making it feel more collaborative.

Managing Disappointment

It's natural to feel disappointed, but try to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship. Remind yourself of the reasons you care about her and the good times you share. Here are some strategies to cope with feelings of disappointment:

Practice Gratitude: Reflect on the things you appreciate about your girlfriend and your relationship. This can help shift your focus from what’s lacking to what’s present.
Engage in Activities Together: Spend quality time doing things you both enjoy. This can help strengthen your bond and create new positive memories beyond holidays and gifts.

Consider Professional Guidance

If these conversations continue to be challenging, it might be beneficial to consider couples therapy. A neutral third party can help facilitate discussions and provide tools for better communication.

Conclusion

Ultimately, it’s about finding a balance that works for both of you. By communicating openly and working together to establish mutual expectations, you can hopefully alleviate some of the tension surrounding holidays and gifts. Remember, relationships are about understanding and compromise, and with time, you can navigate these challenges together.

Take care, and best of luck as you work through this with your girlfriend!

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