Kyla Ember

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In July/August 2024, I discovered that my boyfriend of four years had been emotionally and virtually flirting with a female coworker, including sexting. I saw them cross the line and gathered enough evidence before confronting him. We broke up, but he wanted to work things out. I set clear boundaries and listed everything that needed to change for me to feel comfortable reconciling. This included therapy, transparency, and a commitment to over-communicate, as I have anxiety and trust issues that were only worsened by the situation. It took time and a lot of effort from both of us. Now, in December, his manager, who knew about the whole situation, invited him to visit his city for his birthday at the end of January. I was with him when he got the call, and we all agreed it would be a couple's trip. However, a few days later, I found out that he had booked the flight without me. When I asked about it, he told me it was actually a boy’s trip, not a couple’s trip. Here’s why I’m upset: the woman he cheated on me with lives only a few hours away from where he’s going. I tried explaining to him why this bothers me, especially because our families are aware of what happened. This trip, with the woman’s proximity, feels insensitive to our situation. He’s saying I’m being controlling and that he’s only crashing on a couch with no room for me, giving excuses. I’ve reminded him that he cheated, and it’s his responsibility to make me feel safe in this relationship. I check his phones regularly and know he hasn’t been in contact with her, and supposedly she has a new boyfriend. However, for me, it’s about the principle of the matter, not trust. Just to clarify, this isn’t the first solo trip he’s taken—he’s been to Vegas for work and Orlando to visit his sick grandfather. I didn’t ask to join or need any reassurance for those trips. But this one is different, especially since I was involved in the initial planning conversation. She’s only a few hours away by car, not plane, and that’s what he’s told me, so I’m unsure about why he doesn’t see why this trip is a problem. Advice: It’s completely understandable that you're feeling upset. Given the context of the infidelity and the work that has gone into rebuilding trust, this situation understandably brings up a lot of concerns. Even though you’re not questioning his trustworthiness based on phone checks, the principle behind this trip is what’s triggering your feelings. The key issue here seems to be how your boyfriend is minimizing the emotional impact of this situation. While he might not see the significance of the trip, given that she lives close by and he is going to the same area, it understandably feels like a step backward in the effort to rebuild trust. Your request for him to understand your concerns isn’t about controlling him but about ensuring that he’s showing empathy for your feelings, especially when this woman’s proximity could potentially undermine the safety and trust you’ve been working so hard to rebuild. The fact that you were initially involved in the conversation and the plans makes this feel even more dismissive to you. If this was a true couple’s trip, his booking a solo flight without you may feel like a break in the commitment to rebuild the relationship on equal terms. The key here is not that he’s going on a trip, but rather how this trip makes you feel in light of what’s happened between you both. It’s important that he fully grasps why this feels like a betrayal of the progress you've made together. To move forward, it’s crucial that you both have an open and honest conversation. You can try expressing that it’s not about restricting him but about creating boundaries that respect the emotional work and trust-building you’ve both been doing. If he truly wants to move past the infidelity and make you feel secure, he should be willing to validate your feelings and understand the potential risks this trip poses to that healing process. It’s all about mutual understanding, and right now, it seems he may not fully comprehend the emotional weight of his decisions. Lastly, if he continues to dismiss your concerns, it could be a sign that he might not be fully invested in making the relationship safe and trusting again. Open communication about feelings, vulnerabilities, and mutual respect for one another’s emotional needs will be key moving forward.