Kathi Riordan

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I’m 19 years old, and I’ve been in two relationships. My first one was with someone I was deeply in love with, and we had known each other since childhood. We were together for 8 months, but it ended because I became toxic in the relationship. My second boyfriend was someone I knew wasn’t good for me from the start, and I was right—he ended up using me. I didn’t break up with him, though, because I became attached to him, and in the end, he left me. After that, I moved on quickly and got involved with another guy who was also a bad person and not someone I should have been with. That fling didn’t last long, and it ended when I found out he had another partner. I hate the way I keep falling into these situations. I knew those two men weren’t good for me, but I let them use me because I was scared to leave them. Now, after it’s over, I always end up missing them, and it drives me crazy. How do I stop this pattern or at least stop feeling this way? Advice: First of all, it’s important to acknowledge that your feelings are completely valid. What you're experiencing is not uncommon, especially when it comes to attachment, fear of abandonment, or not feeling worthy of a healthy relationship. It's clear that you’ve had some challenging experiences, but recognizing that you’re stuck in a pattern is an important first step. The key to breaking this cycle is learning to understand why you gravitate toward relationships that aren’t healthy for you. It sounds like there’s a fear of being alone or not feeling good enough, which can sometimes lead to staying in relationships, even when you know they’re not right. You may also get attached to the idea of "love" or companionship, even when it’s not truly fulfilling or respectful. Here are some steps you can take to work on breaking the pattern: Self-Worth: Focus on building your self-esteem and self-worth. When you learn to value yourself and understand that you deserve a loving, healthy relationship, you’ll be better equipped to avoid settling for anything less. Set Boundaries: Practice setting clear boundaries for yourself, especially when it comes to relationships. Ask yourself what you truly want and need in a partner, and if someone doesn’t align with those values, consider if it’s worth staying involved. Emotional Independence: Work on becoming emotionally independent. It’s natural to want companionship, but being comfortable and secure in your own company will make you less likely to settle for someone who doesn’t treat you right. Break the Attachment Cycle: When you find yourself missing someone after a breakup, try to focus on the reality of the situation. Reflect on why the relationship wasn’t good for you, and remember that missing someone doesn't mean you should go back to them. You deserve better. Therapy or Support: If this pattern continues to impact your well-being, consider speaking to a therapist or counselor. Sometimes, underlying issues like fear of abandonment or attachment issues can be addressed with professional help, which can give you the tools to break the cycle. Give Yourself Time: It’s important to give yourself space after a breakup before jumping into another relationship. Allow yourself time to heal, reflect, and learn from each experience. It’s understandable that you feel torn, especially when attachment and emotions get involved, but trust that by learning to recognize your worth and making healthier choices, you will be able to break free from this pattern. You have the power to make better choices moving forward and to attract the type of relationship you truly deserve.