I (22M) moved back to my home country after graduating university, and since then, I haven’t been able to move into my own flat yet. Recently, my family moved into a new flat where I don’t have my own room, so I’ve been living on the sofa. As a result, most of the time my girlfriend and I spend together is at her flat, which she shares with two flatmates. She has her own room, but one of the flatmates is her close friend, whom I also know, and they lived together in a different flat last year. The other flatmate is a random guy they found on Facebook, but my girlfriend told him beforehand that I’d likely be staying over several days a week, and he had no objections, since the previous tenant’s partner often stayed over as well. When my girlfriend first moved into this flat, I ended up spending a lot of time there—around 4-5 nights a week. My girlfriend mentioned to her flatmates that I might contribute to the rent, but they declined. I also didn’t have much of a choice, since I was staying at my parents’ place and didn’t have enough space to stay there more than 1-2 nights a week. In the last month or two, I’ve started staying over less—around 2-3 nights a week—but I’m still feeling awkward and uneasy about the situation. Lately, I’ve noticed one of the flatmates being passive-aggressive and a bit annoyed with me, even though I’m staying less often now. My girlfriend’s lease runs out in June, so we can’t really move in together until then. Should I offer to contribute to the rent again, or is there something else I should do to address this awkwardness? Advice: It sounds like you’re in a bit of an uncomfortable situation, trying to balance your living arrangements with respect for your girlfriend’s flatmates. Here are some things to consider: Open Communication: It seems like there may be some tension building with one of the flatmates, and that could be contributing to the passive-aggressive behavior. You might want to consider talking to your girlfriend about this and asking her to check in with her flatmates to see if there are any concerns that haven’t been expressed directly. It’s important to address any discomfort early before it becomes a bigger issue. Respecting Boundaries: Even though your girlfriend’s flatmates previously agreed to you staying over, it's still important to maintain a balance. It’s good that you’ve been staying over less frequently in recent weeks, but the flatmate’s annoyance could stem from feeling like you’re staying over too often or not contributing in a way that feels fair to them. You might want to have a conversation with them directly (or with your girlfriend as the mediator) to ensure that your presence is not making them uncomfortable. Offering to Contribute: Offering to contribute to the rent could be a good way to address any lingering tension and show that you’re being considerate of the shared living situation. If the flatmates declined your offer before, they might be more open to it now, especially if they’re feeling the financial burden or the inconvenience of someone staying over frequently. If you do decide to offer, make sure to frame it as a way to be respectful of the shared space, rather than as a solution to an issue that may not have been raised yet. Understanding Your Role: It’s important to be mindful that this situation might feel uncomfortable to your girlfriend’s flatmates, especially if they didn’t sign up for someone staying over so often. While your circumstances at home aren’t ideal, it’s good to try and find a balance that works for everyone involved. Be sure to communicate openly with both your girlfriend and her flatmates to avoid any misunderstandings. Planning for the Future: Since your girlfriend’s lease runs out in June, this situation is temporary, and you’ll likely be able to move in together soon. But until then, try to focus on minimizing any tension. Stay respectful of the flatmates’ space and boundaries, and work with your girlfriend to maintain open lines of communication to prevent awkwardness from building up. Ultimately, addressing any concerns openly and offering to contribute financially are both good steps to take in order to ease any tension and ensure that you’re being considerate of your girlfriend’s living situation.

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Estella Lisette

I (22M) moved back to my home country after graduating university, and since then, I haven’t been able to move into my own flat yet. Recently, my family moved into a new flat where I don’t have my own room, so I’ve been living on the sofa. As a result, most of the time my girlfriend and I spend together is at her flat, which she shares with two flatmates. She has her own room, but one of the flatmates is her close friend, whom I also know, and they lived together in a different flat last year. The other flatmate is a random guy they found on Facebook, but my girlfriend told him beforehand that I’d likely be staying over several days a week, and he had no objections, since the previous tenant’s partner often stayed over as well. When my girlfriend first moved into this flat, I ended up spending a lot of time there—around 4-5 nights a week. My girlfriend mentioned to her flatmates that I might contribute to the rent, but they declined. I also didn’t have much of a choice, since I was staying at my parents’ place and didn’t have enough space to stay there more than 1-2 nights a week. In the last month or two, I’ve started staying over less—around 2-3 nights a week—but I’m still feeling awkward and uneasy about the situation. Lately, I’ve noticed one of the flatmates being passive-aggressive and a bit annoyed with me, even though I’m staying less often now. My girlfriend’s lease runs out in June, so we can’t really move in together until then. Should I offer to contribute to the rent again, or is there something else I should do to address this awkwardness? Advice: It sounds like you’re in a bit of an uncomfortable situation, trying to balance your living arrangements with respect for your girlfriend’s flatmates. Here are some things to consider: Open Communication: It seems like there may be some tension building with one of the flatmates, and that could be contributing to the passive-aggressive behavior. You might want to consider talking to your girlfriend about this and asking her to check in with her flatmates to see if there are any concerns that haven’t been expressed directly. It’s important to address any discomfort early before it becomes a bigger issue. Respecting Boundaries: Even though your girlfriend’s flatmates previously agreed to you staying over, it's still important to maintain a balance. It’s good that you’ve been staying over less frequently in recent weeks, but the flatmate’s annoyance could stem from feeling like you’re staying over too often or not contributing in a way that feels fair to them. You might want to have a conversation with them directly (or with your girlfriend as the mediator) to ensure that your presence is not making them uncomfortable. Offering to Contribute: Offering to contribute to the rent could be a good way to address any lingering tension and show that you’re being considerate of the shared living situation. If the flatmates declined your offer before, they might be more open to it now, especially if they’re feeling the financial burden or the inconvenience of someone staying over frequently. If you do decide to offer, make sure to frame it as a way to be respectful of the shared space, rather than as a solution to an issue that may not have been raised yet. Understanding Your Role: It’s important to be mindful that this situation might feel uncomfortable to your girlfriend’s flatmates, especially if they didn’t sign up for someone staying over so often. While your circumstances at home aren’t ideal, it’s good to try and find a balance that works for everyone involved. Be sure to communicate openly with both your girlfriend and her flatmates to avoid any misunderstandings. Planning for the Future: Since your girlfriend’s lease runs out in June, this situation is temporary, and you’ll likely be able to move in together soon. But until then, try to focus on minimizing any tension. Stay respectful of the flatmates’ space and boundaries, and work with your girlfriend to maintain open lines of communication to prevent awkwardness from building up. Ultimately, addressing any concerns openly and offering to contribute financially are both good steps to take in order to ease any tension and ensure that you’re being considerate of your girlfriend’s living situation.

a month ago

It sounds like you're navigating a challenging living situation, and it's commendable that you're seeking ways to address the discomfort. Here are some suggestions that might help you improve the dynamics with your girlfriend's flatmates and maintain a healthy relationship with your girlfriend.

Open Communication

Effective communication is key in any shared living arrangement. Since you've noticed passive-aggressive behavior from one of the flatmates, it could be beneficial to discuss your feelings with your girlfriend. You might say something like:

"I've noticed that one of your flatmates seems a bit off with me lately. Do you think it would be helpful for you to check in with them to see if there's anything bothering them?"

This approach opens the door for your girlfriend to address any concerns her flatmates might have without putting you in an awkward position.

Respecting Boundaries

While it’s great that you’ve reduced your overnight stays from 4-5 nights to 2-3 nights a week, it’s essential to ensure that your presence is not overwhelming for the flatmates. They may feel uncomfortable if they perceive that you’re overstaying your welcome, even if you've been invited. Consider the following:

Limit your stays: Try to stay over only on weekends or alternate nights during the week. This can help ease any feelings of overcrowding.
Discuss with flatmates: If you feel comfortable, introduce yourself to the flatmate who seems annoyed. A simple conversation can sometimes clear the air.

Offering to Contribute

Revisiting the idea of contributing to the rent could be a positive step. Frame your offer around being considerate of their shared living situation. You might approach it like this:

"I know I’ve been staying over a bit, and I want to make sure my presence isn’t causing any inconvenience. Would you be open to discussing a small contribution to the rent, or maybe I could help with groceries or cleaning?"

This shows that you respect their space and are willing to contribute to the household.

Understanding Your Role

It’s crucial to recognize that your girlfriend's flatmates may not have anticipated someone staying over frequently. By respecting their space and actively engaging in the communal living environment, you can foster a more comfortable atmosphere. Consider these actions:

Be mindful of shared spaces: Keep common areas tidy and respect their routines.
Engage socially: Participate in casual conversations or activities with the flatmates when appropriate, which can help build rapport.

Planning for the Future

Since your girlfriend's lease ends in June, it's important to keep the long-term perspective in mind. This situation is temporary, and you will soon have the opportunity to create a more stable living arrangement together. Until then, focus on:

Maintaining open lines of communication: Regularly check in with your girlfriend about how she feels regarding the situation and any feedback from her flatmates.
Exploring alternative options: If possible, consider looking for temporary accommodations or co-living spaces where you can have more privacy while you wait for June.

Ultimately, addressing any concerns openly and offering to contribute financially are both good steps to take in order to ease any tension and ensure that you’re being considerate of your girlfriend’s living situation. By fostering open dialogue and showing respect for the shared living space, you can create a more harmonious environment for everyone involved.

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