Casimir Harold

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I’ve been with my girlfriend (32) for 6 months now, and we were talking for about a month and a half before we officially became a couple. Three and a half months into our relationship, she tragically lost her son to suicide. She found him, which has understandably devastated her. I immediately moved in with her two weeks later, giving up my life 2 hours away to be there for her. I wanted to be supportive and comfort her through the pain. However, about a month after her loss (around Thanksgiving), I found out some things that have really shaken me. I asked some difficult questions, and it came out that she had lied to me about how long she had been single. She told me that one of her exes was just a short-term, long-distance relationship and that they had never met. But I found out they had been on-and-off dating for 5 years. They had been seeing each other while she was still in her last relationship and even continued talking to him after we started talking and a week into our official relationship. She claimed that she had been over him for a while and that it was just a familiarity thing. What really hurt was that the day before we went on our first trip together (which felt like a significant, intimate moment), she spent 10 hours on the phone with him, saying their goodbyes. She even admitted to emotionally cheating with him, but says they haven’t spoken in the last 5 months. On top of all of this, she lost her mom in May 2024 and has dealt with the loss of five people in total last year. I understand she’s been through unimaginable grief, and she says she doesn’t want to lose anyone else. I can see that she’s struggling with all of this, and I’ve tried to communicate with her about my feelings. But every time I ask for reassurance, she doesn’t want to deal with it. I’m made to feel guilty for needing reassurance, especially when she can’t offer it, due to her emotional numbness. The ex has also been making new phone numbers and texting her once or twice a week since I found out. I’ve called his number and hung up, which I regret, but I’m so lost and hurt. I am deeply in love with her, and I truly believe she’s the one for me based on how our relationship was before she lost her son. But right now, I feel like I’m emotionally abandoned. My needs and feelings always seem to come last because I have to be there for her, but it’s starting to feel like I’m in this relationship alone. We’re barely intimate anymore, and it feels like everything ends badly. I’m shutting down and don’t know how to cope anymore. I’ve suggested therapy, we’ve talked about doing workbooks together, and we even bought some, but we haven’t used them yet. I feel like a parent rather than a partner. She gets upset when I mention that I don’t feel like she’s attracted to me anymore. I’m struggling at work, and I’m at a breaking point. She’s on a lot of medication right now to help her cope with the loss, and she says the meds numb her to the point where she can function but it’s hard for her to feel joy. She’s said she needs to stay on them until at least April or May. We’re supposed to have a talk tomorrow, and I really don’t know what to do. Any advice? Advice: First and foremost, it’s clear you care deeply for her, and you’ve been there for her through an incredibly painful time. The fact that you're trying to support her while also grappling with your own emotional needs is a difficult situation to be in, and it’s understandable that you feel stuck. Acknowledging Her Grief and Your Needs: Grief can be all-consuming, and the emotional numbness caused by medication can make it even harder for her to connect or engage in the relationship the way you need her to. It’s important that you acknowledge her pain and the difficult situation she’s in, but it’s equally important to communicate your needs too. You deserve emotional support, reassurance, and intimacy, and it’s okay to ask for these things. Grief doesn’t mean your needs stop being valid. Communication is Key: You’ve already communicated with her about your feelings, but it sounds like you’re not being heard, and that’s frustrating. It’s important to express that you understand what she’s going through but that you also feel neglected and abandoned emotionally. Be clear with her that, while you want to support her, your needs aren’t being met, and you feel isolated and disconnected from her. It may also be helpful to explain that you’re not accusing her of neglect, but that the dynamic is affecting your emotional well-being. Set Boundaries and Expectations: It’s clear that the situation with her ex is a point of tension. The fact that he’s still texting her could be triggering for you. While it’s understandable that she may want to keep some distance from him, it’s okay to express how this makes you feel. It’s important for both partners to respect each other’s boundaries in a relationship, especially when it comes to exes. You should feel comfortable in your relationship without constantly questioning things or feeling like an option. Therapy and Support: Therapy could help both of you, individually and as a couple. It’s good that you’ve suggested it, but if she’s not ready to engage in it yet, consider seeking support for yourself. A therapist can help you navigate your feelings and provide coping strategies for your emotional needs. It’s not selfish to prioritize your mental health, especially when you feel like you’re carrying the emotional weight of the relationship alone. Be Honest About the Relationship’s Future: It’s understandable that you’re questioning the relationship’s future. You’ve been incredibly supportive, but you’re also struggling. In your conversation, try to discuss your concerns without blaming her for everything that’s happening. Ask her how she envisions things moving forward and if there’s any way the two of you can work together to rebuild the connection. However, be prepared to have an honest conversation about whether or not the relationship is sustainable if things don’t change. Patience and Compassion: Lastly, be patient and compassionate with both yourself and her. The situation you’re in is complex, and it’s okay to feel overwhelmed. While it’s important to support her, you also need to prioritize your own well-being and mental health. You are allowed to ask for what you need in the relationship, and it’s okay to take a step back if you need to protect yourself. It sounds like you’re deeply invested in this relationship, and you care about her well-being. However, you need to make sure you’re taking care of yourself too. Keep the lines of communication open, but don’t lose sight of your own emotional needs. You deserve to feel valued, loved, and supported in this relationship as much as she does.