Gabby Pernel

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I’m in a relationship with my girlfriend, and there’s an issue that has been bothering me for a while. She has a friend who kissed her without her consent during high school. I’ve already shared with her how uncomfortable I am with the fact that they’re still friends, especially now that we’re in a relationship. We had a big argument about it in the past, but we eventually resolved it and moved on. Recently, my girlfriend told me she was hanging out with some friends while I was at work. When I came home, I asked her how her day was and who she spent time with. She lied and told me that the friend who kissed her wasn’t involved, even though she actually was. I found out a few days later that the friend was indeed part of the hangout. I didn’t mind that they hung out, but I was disappointed by the fact that she lied to me about it. I’ve tried bringing it up to her and explaining how it’s causing me trust issues, but she keeps dismissing it. She says that she wasn’t trying to be malicious, and that I found out anyway, so it’s not a big deal. This is only the second time she’s lied to me, but I don’t know how to have a conversation about this without her brushing it off or avoiding it. We also work opposite schedules, so communication is difficult. I’m really unsure how to approach this, and I’m wondering what I can do to address it. I don’t want to keep feeling this way, but I also don’t want to ignore the issue. Sorry if my grammar isn’t perfect, English isn’t my first language. Thanks for your advice! Advice: First off, it’s understandable that you’re feeling hurt and confused by your girlfriend’s actions, especially since this involves trust, something very important in any relationship. Here are a few things to consider in order to address the situation: Acknowledge Your Feelings: It’s important to recognize that your feelings are valid. Trust issues, especially stemming from dishonesty, can be very damaging to a relationship. You’re not overreacting by wanting to address how her behavior has affected you. You’re simply expressing your feelings and trying to protect the trust between you two. Choose the Right Moment to Talk: Since you both have opposite schedules, it can be tough to have meaningful conversations. Make sure to choose a time when you both have the space to talk without distractions or pressure. Be clear that you want to have a calm and open conversation, and not just an argument. Communicate Clearly and Honestly: When you bring up the issue, try to stay calm and communicate your feelings clearly. Avoid blaming her and instead focus on how her actions made you feel. You could say something like, “When I found out that you lied about hanging out with [Friend’s Name], it hurt my trust in you. I don’t want to feel like I can’t trust you, and I just need to understand why you felt the need to lie.” Listen to Her Side: Give her a chance to explain herself. She may have had her reasons for not being upfront with you, even if those reasons don’t seem valid to you. Listening to her perspective will show that you’re willing to work through this issue together. Set Boundaries Around Trust and Honesty: If this is a recurring issue (even if it’s only the second time), it’s important to establish boundaries and expectations around trust and honesty in your relationship. Let her know that you value transparency and that even small lies can have a bigger impact on your relationship. Understand the Root of the Issue: Sometimes people lie because they’re trying to avoid conflict or fear how their partner might react. It’s important to understand if there’s something deeper at play here. Is there a reason she didn’t want to tell you the truth? Was she trying to protect your feelings, or is there a pattern of avoidance when it comes to difficult topics? Consider the Bigger Picture: You’ve expressed that the situation with the friend and the previous kiss without consent made you uncomfortable. It’s important to take a step back and think about whether the relationship with this friend is something that could lead to further complications. Have an open conversation with her about the dynamics of their friendship and how it affects your comfort level in the relationship. Give It Time to Resolve: Conversations about trust issues can take time to process, and your girlfriend may need time to understand how serious the situation is for you. Give her space to reflect on your feelings and revisit the conversation later if necessary. It’s crucial that both of you are on the same page when it comes to honesty and trust moving forward. Mutual Respect: Lastly, for any relationship to work, mutual respect is essential. You deserve to be heard and respected when you express concerns. If your girlfriend continues to dismiss your feelings or avoid the conversation, it may be worth considering how this pattern affects the long-term health of the relationship. Remember, relationships require patience and understanding from both parties. If you’re committed to making things work, taking the time to communicate openly and honestly will help both of you move forward stronger.