I (29F) need some advice on how to talk to my fiancé (29M) about having kids, as I’m feeling really unsure. We’ve been together for 7 years, live together, and have 4 pets. We both work full-time, and he makes significantly more than I do. I still earn a good income, and I don’t want to lose that, as I’ve noticed that a lot of women are expected to become stay-at-home moms, and I fear I’d be judged if I don’t choose that route. In the past, we’ve talked about kids, and we were both okay with the idea of not having children, just focusing on our relationship and pets. However, recently he has started bringing up the idea of having a child and has said that he wants one. I was caught off guard by this, especially since when we first met, he wasn’t interested in having kids. I told him I’d consider it but have a few concerns. My main concerns are 1) my back, as I’ve had spinal issues for the past 10 years, including a slipped disc and pinched nerve, and I’m worried that carrying a child could worsen my condition and affect my quality of life. 2) Since he is the primary breadwinner, I end up handling a lot of the responsibilities at home, like taking care of the pets, meal prep, cooking, cleaning, scheduling, etc. He works long hours in a demanding IT sales job, but I feel like if we had a child, much of the work would still fall on me. He thinks that having a child won’t be that hard and that we’ll see family all the time, but I’m the one who handles most of the family arrangements, and I know that would still likely fall to me. I’ve also found posts explaining how men often see chores as physical tasks (like dishes), but don’t consider things like breastfeeding, tummy time, or playing with the baby as chores, even though they are important for a child’s development. I enjoy those activities, but they are still tasks that require time and energy. Another thing is that I don’t want to be a stay-at-home mom—I love my job, and it makes me feel secure, so I don’t feel comfortable leaving it behind, especially because I don’t want to lose my income. If we were to adopt, I’d be much more comfortable, as I wouldn’t have to worry about my back, but he is only interested in having a child if it’s biologically his. I understand where he’s coming from, but it feels unfair because it now seems like I’d have to carry the child if we do go down that route. How can I talk to him about this without making him feel bad or defensive, and explain my concerns without making it sound like I’m rejecting the idea altogether?

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Dianna Bobbie

I (29F) need some advice on how to talk to my fiancé (29M) about having kids, as I’m feeling really unsure. We’ve been together for 7 years, live together, and have 4 pets. We both work full-time, and he makes significantly more than I do. I still earn a good income, and I don’t want to lose that, as I’ve noticed that a lot of women are expected to become stay-at-home moms, and I fear I’d be judged if I don’t choose that route. In the past, we’ve talked about kids, and we were both okay with the idea of not having children, just focusing on our relationship and pets. However, recently he has started bringing up the idea of having a child and has said that he wants one. I was caught off guard by this, especially since when we first met, he wasn’t interested in having kids. I told him I’d consider it but have a few concerns. My main concerns are 1) my back, as I’ve had spinal issues for the past 10 years, including a slipped disc and pinched nerve, and I’m worried that carrying a child could worsen my condition and affect my quality of life. 2) Since he is the primary breadwinner, I end up handling a lot of the responsibilities at home, like taking care of the pets, meal prep, cooking, cleaning, scheduling, etc. He works long hours in a demanding IT sales job, but I feel like if we had a child, much of the work would still fall on me. He thinks that having a child won’t be that hard and that we’ll see family all the time, but I’m the one who handles most of the family arrangements, and I know that would still likely fall to me. I’ve also found posts explaining how men often see chores as physical tasks (like dishes), but don’t consider things like breastfeeding, tummy time, or playing with the baby as chores, even though they are important for a child’s development. I enjoy those activities, but they are still tasks that require time and energy. Another thing is that I don’t want to be a stay-at-home mom—I love my job, and it makes me feel secure, so I don’t feel comfortable leaving it behind, especially because I don’t want to lose my income. If we were to adopt, I’d be much more comfortable, as I wouldn’t have to worry about my back, but he is only interested in having a child if it’s biologically his. I understand where he’s coming from, but it feels unfair because it now seems like I’d have to carry the child if we do go down that route. How can I talk to him about this without making him feel bad or defensive, and explain my concerns without making it sound like I’m rejecting the idea altogether?

a month ago

It's understandable that you're feeling uncertain about the topic of having children, especially given your current circumstances and concerns. Open communication is key in any relationship, and approaching this conversation thoughtfully can help both you and your fiancé navigate this sensitive subject. Here are some steps and tips on how to have this conversation effectively:

1. Choose the Right Time and Place

Find a calm, comfortable environment where you both feel relaxed. Avoid discussing this topic during stressful times or when either of you is preoccupied with work or other responsibilities. You might say something like:

"Can we set aside some time this weekend to talk about something important? I want to make sure we both have the space to share our thoughts."

2. Start with Open-Ended Questions

Begin the conversation by asking open-ended questions that allow him to express his feelings and thoughts on having children. This will help you understand his perspective better. For example:

"I've noticed you've been thinking about having kids more lately. Can you share what’s been on your mind?"

3. Share Your Feelings Honestly

Once he has shared his thoughts, express your feelings and concerns without sounding defensive or dismissive. Use "I" statements to focus on your perspective. For example:

"I appreciate that you want to have kids, and I can see how important this is for you. I need to share some of my concerns, too, especially regarding my health and our current responsibilities at home."

4. Address Your Health Concerns

Explain your spinal issues and how they affect your ability to carry a child. It's essential to communicate that your concerns are valid and stem from a place of care for both yourself and your potential child. You might say:

"Given my back issues, I'm worried that carrying a child could worsen my condition. I want to ensure that I can be the best version of myself for our family."

5. Discuss Shared Responsibilities

Talk about the division of responsibilities and how having a child could impact your current dynamic. Use specific examples to illustrate your point, such as:

"Right now, I handle a lot of the household tasks while you work long hours. I'm concerned that if we have a child, those responsibilities might fall mostly on me, which could be overwhelming."

6. Explore Both Perspectives on Parenting

Share insights about how parenting tasks are often perceived differently. Mention that both physical and emotional tasks are involved in raising a child. You could say:

"I enjoy spending time with kids, but I also recognize that activities like breastfeeding and playtime require significant time and energy, which I want us to share equally."

7. Discuss Your Career Aspirations

It's crucial to address your desire to maintain your career. Emphasize how important your job is to your sense of security and fulfillment:

"I love my job and the independence it gives me. I’m not comfortable leaving it behind, and I hope we can find a way to balance parenting with both of our careers."

8. Consider Alternatives to Biological Children

Since you mentioned being more open to adoption, bring this up as a potential option. Frame it positively, as a way to expand your family without compromising your health:

"I’ve been thinking about adoption, which might be a great way to start a family while allowing me to avoid some of the physical strains of pregnancy."

9. Encourage Ongoing Dialogue

End the conversation by reinforcing your love and commitment to each other, regardless of the outcome. Encourage him to share his thoughts and feelings as well:

"I want us to keep talking about this and explore all our options together. I love you, and I want to make sure we’re both on the same page."

10. Seek Professional Guidance if Needed

If the conversation feels particularly challenging, consider seeking the help of a couples therapist. A neutral third party can facilitate discussions and help both of you express your needs and desires more effectively.

Remember, this is a significant life decision that requires both of your input. By communicating openly and respectfully, you can navigate this topic together and find a path that works for both of you.

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