Linda Kester

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My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, with the last year being long-distance. Recently, he started a new job and moved into his own place. I’m currently in college working towards my BSN degree. At the beginning of our relationship, he used to go out of his way to make me feel special—he’d bring flowers to every date, call me regularly, and always make an effort to come visit me at college. However, over the past few months, it feels like his effort has significantly decreased. The last time I received flowers was two months ago when my dog passed away. Over my winter break, we only went on two real dates, both of which I planned, and I’m pretty sure I paid for both as well. Since I’ve returned to college, he doesn’t seem as excited to visit me and doesn’t call as often, citing that he’s busy hanging out with his roommate. Overall, I just don’t feel as valued as I used to. Whenever I bring this up, he gets defensive, saying that he’s just busy and doesn’t have as much money since he moved out. I’m not sure what to do about this. Any advice would be appreciated, thanks! Response: It sounds like you’re feeling unappreciated, and that's completely understandable given how things have shifted in your relationship. It’s tough when someone who once put in so much effort seems to pull back, especially when you’re both going through big changes in your lives—like his new job and living situation, and your busy schedule at college. It’s important to acknowledge that relationships go through phases, and sometimes, external factors like work, financial stress, and adjusting to new living arrangements can affect how much attention one person can give. However, it’s also important to communicate your feelings and needs, as it seems like you’re feeling a lack of effort and connection lately. Here are a few steps you could consider: Have an open conversation – It might help to talk to him calmly and express how you’re feeling, but avoid framing it as a criticism. Focus on your feelings—how you miss the thoughtful gestures and the connection you once had. This is about sharing your emotions, not accusing him of neglecting you. Ask about his feelings – Try asking him how he’s feeling about the relationship. Sometimes, when one partner feels overwhelmed with life changes, it can affect their emotional investment in the relationship, and he may not even realize how much his actions are impacting you. Be mindful of expectations – You mentioned that you planned the dates and paid for them, which is totally fine, but it might help to check whether you’re expecting him to act in the same ways he did earlier in the relationship or if there’s space for new forms of affection and communication that fit your current realities. Be patient but set boundaries – While it’s understandable that he’s adjusting to a new life, you also have every right to feel valued and loved. If this lack of effort continues and doesn’t change, you may need to reevaluate how much effort you’re willing to invest if your needs aren’t being met. Ultimately, a healthy relationship requires mutual effort and understanding, especially when things get tough. If he’s genuinely committed, he’ll try to find a balance between his responsibilities and keeping the connection strong with you. If the situation doesn’t improve despite honest conversations, you’ll need to think about whether this is the relationship dynamic you want in the long run.