I’ve recently started seeing a guy who’s nice to me, though I wouldn’t say I’m in love. We’ve spent some time together, and I told a few of my closest friends that we had slept together. Initially, I wanted to keep it private, but someone let it slip, and now my ex has found out. He sent me a long message saying he was hurt, that he never expected this from me so soon, and that he was disappointed. I really don’t know what to say to him or how to react. It makes me sad because I’ve been hoping to just have a normal, respectful relationship with him after our breakup, and I’m still not completely over him, so this situation hurts. But honestly, his reaction really disappointed me. I never thought he would react this way to something I see as relatively minor. I understand how he might feel, but I don’t understand why he felt the need to send me such a long message about it. After reading it, I felt like the conversation shifted into him trying to hurt me more, making fun of me and all. I just don’t know what to do. Possible responses or advice for you: Acknowledge his feelings but set boundaries "I understand that you're hurt and I don’t want to minimize your feelings. But, this is a situation I wasn’t prepared for, and it’s not fair to me to be treated this way. I wasn’t trying to hurt you, and it’s painful to see you react like this when I just want to move forward in a healthy way." Clarify your own feelings and intentions "I want to be open and honest about where I’m at, but it seems like there's a misunderstanding here. I’m not rushing into anything serious, and I wasn’t trying to hurt you or make you feel disrespected. I care about you, but I’m not in the same place anymore, and I think we both need to be honest about what we want moving forward." Take a step back from any negativity "I don’t want to engage in a back-and-forth that just leads to more hurt. I think we need some space to process everything. I hope you understand that I never meant to hurt you, and I don’t think it’s helpful for either of us to continue this kind of conversation." Validate your own emotions "It’s been hard for me, too. I still have feelings for you, but this situation and your reaction really surprised me. I didn’t expect this from you. It’s painful to feel like I’m being criticized or mocked when I’m just trying to figure things out for myself." If you need more specific suggestions or further clarification on how to word your responses, feel free to ask. You deserve to handle this situation in a way that prioritizes your feelings, so don’t hesitate to put yourself first!

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Eveleen Glanville

I’ve recently started seeing a guy who’s nice to me, though I wouldn’t say I’m in love. We’ve spent some time together, and I told a few of my closest friends that we had slept together. Initially, I wanted to keep it private, but someone let it slip, and now my ex has found out. He sent me a long message saying he was hurt, that he never expected this from me so soon, and that he was disappointed. I really don’t know what to say to him or how to react. It makes me sad because I’ve been hoping to just have a normal, respectful relationship with him after our breakup, and I’m still not completely over him, so this situation hurts. But honestly, his reaction really disappointed me. I never thought he would react this way to something I see as relatively minor. I understand how he might feel, but I don’t understand why he felt the need to send me such a long message about it. After reading it, I felt like the conversation shifted into him trying to hurt me more, making fun of me and all. I just don’t know what to do. Possible responses or advice for you: Acknowledge his feelings but set boundaries "I understand that you're hurt and I don’t want to minimize your feelings. But, this is a situation I wasn’t prepared for, and it’s not fair to me to be treated this way. I wasn’t trying to hurt you, and it’s painful to see you react like this when I just want to move forward in a healthy way." Clarify your own feelings and intentions "I want to be open and honest about where I’m at, but it seems like there's a misunderstanding here. I’m not rushing into anything serious, and I wasn’t trying to hurt you or make you feel disrespected. I care about you, but I’m not in the same place anymore, and I think we both need to be honest about what we want moving forward." Take a step back from any negativity "I don’t want to engage in a back-and-forth that just leads to more hurt. I think we need some space to process everything. I hope you understand that I never meant to hurt you, and I don’t think it’s helpful for either of us to continue this kind of conversation." Validate your own emotions "It’s been hard for me, too. I still have feelings for you, but this situation and your reaction really surprised me. I didn’t expect this from you. It’s painful to feel like I’m being criticized or mocked when I’m just trying to figure things out for myself." If you need more specific suggestions or further clarification on how to word your responses, feel free to ask. You deserve to handle this situation in a way that prioritizes your feelings, so don’t hesitate to put yourself first!

a month ago

It sounds like you're navigating a really challenging situation, and it's completely understandable to feel confused and hurt by your ex's reaction. Here are some suggestions on how to approach this conversation while prioritizing your feelings and setting healthy boundaries.

Acknowledge His Feelings but Set Boundaries

It's important to recognize that your ex is feeling hurt. You could respond with something like:

"I understand that you're hurt and I don’t want to minimize your feelings. This situation has caught me off guard, and it’s not fair to me to feel criticized for my choices. I care about the time we had together, but I need to move forward in a healthy way."

This response shows empathy but also emphasizes your need for respect. It communicates that while you acknowledge his feelings, you also need him to respect your choices.

Clarify Your Own Feelings and Intentions

Being open about where you stand can help clear up any misunderstandings. You might say:

"I want to be honest about where I’m at. I’m not rushing into anything serious with this new guy, and I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I still care about you, but I’m in a different place now. I think it’s important for both of us to acknowledge that."

This helps to communicate that your actions are not a reflection of your feelings for him, but rather a step towards your own healing.

Take a Step Back from Any Negativity

If the conversation is turning hurtful or unproductive, it might be best to step back. You could say:

"I don’t want to engage in a back-and-forth that just leads to more hurt feelings. I think we both need some space to process everything. I hope you understand that I never intended to hurt you, and I don’t think continuing this conversation is helpful for either of us."

This allows you to disengage from negativity while still expressing your feelings.

Validate Your Own Emotions

It’s crucial to recognize your own feelings in this situation. You could express this by saying:

"It’s been hard for me, too. I still have feelings for you, and your reaction has really surprised me. I didn’t expect to feel criticized or mocked when I’m just trying to navigate my own path."

This not only validates your own emotions but also communicates to your ex that his reaction is affecting you negatively.

Final Thoughts

Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your feelings and set boundaries. You deserve to handle this situation in a way that is respectful to yourself. If you ever feel overwhelmed, consider talking to a trusted friend or a therapist who can help you process your emotions further. You are not alone in this, and it’s important to take care of yourself as you navigate these complex feelings.

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