I (19M) am in a relationship with my girlfriend (19F), and lately, I’ve been feeling uneasy about her partying habits. We’re in college, and she enjoys going out to frat parties and drinking with her friends. She says that she goes out to have fun and dance with her friends, not to be around guys. However, I’ve told her that I’m uncomfortable with her getting really drunk at these parties, and she doesn’t think it’s a problem. I’ve expressed my concern that it’s dangerous and leaves her in a vulnerable state, but she says she plans to quit drinking after college, so she feels it’s okay to party and blackout for the next few years. When she’s out, she’s always good about keeping in touch with me, texting and calling even when she’s drunk. Despite that, I still feel uneasy about it and don’t know how to approach the situation. I love her, and I don’t want to leave, but I’m unsure about how to handle it. Any advice? Response & Advice: Communicate Your Concerns Calmly: It’s clear that you care deeply about her, but you’re also concerned about her well-being. It’s important to express your feelings calmly and without judgment. Instead of framing the conversation around what she’s doing wrong, focus on how her actions make you feel. For example, say something like, “I feel worried when you get really drunk at parties because I care about you and your safety.” This might help her understand that it’s not about controlling her, but about your genuine concern for her. Set Boundaries: It’s crucial in any relationship to have boundaries that respect both people’s values and concerns. You can let her know that while you respect her choice to party, you’re not comfortable with certain behaviors, like excessive drinking or blacking out. Be clear about what you’re okay with and what you’re not. For example, you can ask that she keeps in touch and makes sure to stay safe, but you can also express that you’re not okay with her getting to the point of blacking out. Understand the Bigger Picture: It seems like her plan to quit drinking after college is a big part of her mindset, but it’s important to ask yourself whether this is something you can accept. If her partying habits are causing discomfort now, how do you think they might affect the relationship in the long run? College is a time of exploration and self-discovery, but it’s also important for both partners to support each other’s well-being and values. Have a conversation with her about the long-term impact of her choices on both of your futures. Find Common Ground: Relationships are about compromise. Maybe you can find a middle ground where she still enjoys going out and partying with her friends, but you feel more comfortable with it. Discuss how she can still have fun while respecting your feelings. Perhaps she could set limits on how much she drinks or prioritize safety by going out with people who look out for each other. Or, if you’re still uncomfortable with her behavior, you both need to have a conversation about how you can work together to meet each other’s needs and values. Evaluate the Relationship: You’re clearly invested in the relationship, but if her partying is making you feel consistently uncomfortable and anxious, it’s important to ask yourself whether this relationship is fulfilling your needs. Sometimes, a relationship requires more than just love and good intentions—it requires compatibility in values and lifestyle choices. If her partying lifestyle doesn’t align with what you want for your future, it’s okay to reevaluate whether the relationship can work in the long term. Final Thoughts: The most important thing is to have open, honest conversations and set boundaries that respect both of your needs. You don’t have to compromise your feelings, but you also need to be realistic about her values and your ability to cope with the situation. If it feels like there’s a constant conflict, it might be worth considering whether this relationship is right for both of you in the long run. Trust your instincts and communicate openly about how you’re feeling.

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Korbin Lorri

I (19M) am in a relationship with my girlfriend (19F), and lately, I’ve been feeling uneasy about her partying habits. We’re in college, and she enjoys going out to frat parties and drinking with her friends. She says that she goes out to have fun and dance with her friends, not to be around guys. However, I’ve told her that I’m uncomfortable with her getting really drunk at these parties, and she doesn’t think it’s a problem. I’ve expressed my concern that it’s dangerous and leaves her in a vulnerable state, but she says she plans to quit drinking after college, so she feels it’s okay to party and blackout for the next few years. When she’s out, she’s always good about keeping in touch with me, texting and calling even when she’s drunk. Despite that, I still feel uneasy about it and don’t know how to approach the situation. I love her, and I don’t want to leave, but I’m unsure about how to handle it. Any advice? Response & Advice: Communicate Your Concerns Calmly: It’s clear that you care deeply about her, but you’re also concerned about her well-being. It’s important to express your feelings calmly and without judgment. Instead of framing the conversation around what she’s doing wrong, focus on how her actions make you feel. For example, say something like, “I feel worried when you get really drunk at parties because I care about you and your safety.” This might help her understand that it’s not about controlling her, but about your genuine concern for her. Set Boundaries: It’s crucial in any relationship to have boundaries that respect both people’s values and concerns. You can let her know that while you respect her choice to party, you’re not comfortable with certain behaviors, like excessive drinking or blacking out. Be clear about what you’re okay with and what you’re not. For example, you can ask that she keeps in touch and makes sure to stay safe, but you can also express that you’re not okay with her getting to the point of blacking out. Understand the Bigger Picture: It seems like her plan to quit drinking after college is a big part of her mindset, but it’s important to ask yourself whether this is something you can accept. If her partying habits are causing discomfort now, how do you think they might affect the relationship in the long run? College is a time of exploration and self-discovery, but it’s also important for both partners to support each other’s well-being and values. Have a conversation with her about the long-term impact of her choices on both of your futures. Find Common Ground: Relationships are about compromise. Maybe you can find a middle ground where she still enjoys going out and partying with her friends, but you feel more comfortable with it. Discuss how she can still have fun while respecting your feelings. Perhaps she could set limits on how much she drinks or prioritize safety by going out with people who look out for each other. Or, if you’re still uncomfortable with her behavior, you both need to have a conversation about how you can work together to meet each other’s needs and values. Evaluate the Relationship: You’re clearly invested in the relationship, but if her partying is making you feel consistently uncomfortable and anxious, it’s important to ask yourself whether this relationship is fulfilling your needs. Sometimes, a relationship requires more than just love and good intentions—it requires compatibility in values and lifestyle choices. If her partying lifestyle doesn’t align with what you want for your future, it’s okay to reevaluate whether the relationship can work in the long term. Final Thoughts: The most important thing is to have open, honest conversations and set boundaries that respect both of your needs. You don’t have to compromise your feelings, but you also need to be realistic about her values and your ability to cope with the situation. If it feels like there’s a constant conflict, it might be worth considering whether this relationship is right for both of you in the long run. Trust your instincts and communicate openly about how you’re feeling.

a month ago

It's commendable that you're reflecting on your feelings regarding your girlfriend's partying habits and seeking advice on how to handle the situation. Here are some detailed suggestions that may help you navigate this delicate issue:

Communicate Your Concerns Calmly

First and foremost, it's important to have a calm and honest conversation with your girlfriend. Instead of making her feel attacked or judged, express your feelings from a place of concern. For example, you might say:

"I care about you a lot, and I feel worried when you go out and get really drunk. It makes me anxious about your safety."

This approach focuses on your feelings rather than accusing her of wrongdoing, which can foster a more open dialogue.

Set Boundaries

Every relationship requires boundaries to ensure both partners feel comfortable and respected. Clearly communicate your limits regarding her partying. You could say:

"I respect your right to have fun, but I need you to understand that I'm not okay with you blacking out or getting to the point where you can’t take care of yourself."

By setting these boundaries, you’re not trying to control her actions but rather expressing your discomfort with specific behaviors.

Understand the Bigger Picture

It's crucial to consider the long-term implications of her current lifestyle. Ask her to reflect on how her partying habits might affect her future and your relationship. You might frame it like this:

"I know college is a time to have fun, but I also worry about what this lifestyle might mean for us in the future. Can we talk about what we both want after college?"

This can encourage a deeper discussion about your shared values and future aspirations.

Find Common Ground

Relationships thrive on compromise. Discuss ways she can enjoy her social life while also being mindful of your feelings. For example:

"What if you set a limit on how much you drink when you go out, or maybe you could go with friends who are committed to looking out for one another?”

Finding a middle ground where both of you feel comfortable can strengthen your relationship.

Evaluate the Relationship

If her partying continues to make you feel anxious, it’s essential to assess whether this relationship meets your needs. Consider these questions:

Are your core values aligned?
Can you both support each other’s lifestyles and choices?
Is this relationship fulfilling your emotional needs, or is it causing more stress than joy?

Sometimes, love alone isn't enough; compatibility in values and lifestyle is crucial for long-term success.

Final Thoughts

Ultimately, the key to resolving this situation lies in open and honest communication. Make sure to express your feelings while also being receptive to her perspective. Relationships require effort from both sides, and it’s essential to create an environment where both of you feel heard and valued. If, after discussing and compromising, you still feel uneasy, it may be worth considering whether this relationship can evolve in a way that meets both of your needs.

Trust your instincts and don’t hesitate to seek further support from friends or professional counselors if needed. Your feelings are valid, and it's important to prioritize both your well-being and hers.

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