I (32F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (32M) for about five years now. From the start, things have always been a bit rocky. He has unaddressed trauma, anxiety, depression, and struggled with borderline alcoholism at one point. Throughout our relationship, I've tried to be there for him, but it's been really hard due to the emotional dynamics. In the beginning, he was distant and I did all the initiating. He was often too busy or didn't want to communicate much, and I started to pull away as a result. Then, something shifted after he moved house, and suddenly he became very clingy and possessive. If I didn’t respond to a message quickly, he would get anxious and accusatory, often accusing me of cheating on him with friends or coworkers. He even admitted to searching my phone over the course of a year, but never found anything. Despite that, he still felt like I wasn’t being faithful. In an effort to reconnect with myself, I got back into dancing and fitness—things I’ve always loved. But this became a source of tension for him. He would argue that our relationship should be enough, and that I shouldn’t need outside interests. It felt like my happiness outside of the relationship was a threat to him. I’ve suggested therapy countless times, but every time he agreed, then quickly turned it down, calling it “pseudoscience.” The last year has been filled with his insecurities, constant arguments, and emotional explosions. Whenever I refused to engage with the same argument, he would sulk for days and then blow up again. He insists that he feels anxious because I won’t plan a future with him or move in together, and he says I need to commit to him 100% before he can work on his issues. But I can’t do that when he hasn’t taken responsibility for his emotions or sought help for his struggles. Fast forward to now: He finally agreed to try one therapy session. He came to me afterward, telling me that his therapist has labeled him with anxious attachment and, by that logic, I’m the avoidant one. He’s now saying that unless I commit to him fully and agree to couples therapy, he won’t continue in the relationship. He claims to love me more than anything, but now it feels like he's giving me an ultimatum. I love him and care about him deeply, but I’m so confused. How did we go from him acting like I didn’t exist to suffocating me with his constant need for reassurance? I know I’m probably supposed to walk away and that this isn’t healthy, but honestly, I’m exhausted. I feel empty, drained, and unsure of what to do. Has anyone else gone through a situation where the dynamic in the relationship shifted so drastically—going from distant to clingy or vice versa? How did you handle it?

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Sunday Kinley

I (32F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (32M) for about five years now. From the start, things have always been a bit rocky. He has unaddressed trauma, anxiety, depression, and struggled with borderline alcoholism at one point. Throughout our relationship, I've tried to be there for him, but it's been really hard due to the emotional dynamics. In the beginning, he was distant and I did all the initiating. He was often too busy or didn't want to communicate much, and I started to pull away as a result. Then, something shifted after he moved house, and suddenly he became very clingy and possessive. If I didn’t respond to a message quickly, he would get anxious and accusatory, often accusing me of cheating on him with friends or coworkers. He even admitted to searching my phone over the course of a year, but never found anything. Despite that, he still felt like I wasn’t being faithful. In an effort to reconnect with myself, I got back into dancing and fitness—things I’ve always loved. But this became a source of tension for him. He would argue that our relationship should be enough, and that I shouldn’t need outside interests. It felt like my happiness outside of the relationship was a threat to him. I’ve suggested therapy countless times, but every time he agreed, then quickly turned it down, calling it “pseudoscience.” The last year has been filled with his insecurities, constant arguments, and emotional explosions. Whenever I refused to engage with the same argument, he would sulk for days and then blow up again. He insists that he feels anxious because I won’t plan a future with him or move in together, and he says I need to commit to him 100% before he can work on his issues. But I can’t do that when he hasn’t taken responsibility for his emotions or sought help for his struggles. Fast forward to now: He finally agreed to try one therapy session. He came to me afterward, telling me that his therapist has labeled him with anxious attachment and, by that logic, I’m the avoidant one. He’s now saying that unless I commit to him fully and agree to couples therapy, he won’t continue in the relationship. He claims to love me more than anything, but now it feels like he's giving me an ultimatum. I love him and care about him deeply, but I’m so confused. How did we go from him acting like I didn’t exist to suffocating me with his constant need for reassurance? I know I’m probably supposed to walk away and that this isn’t healthy, but honestly, I’m exhausted. I feel empty, drained, and unsure of what to do. Has anyone else gone through a situation where the dynamic in the relationship shifted so drastically—going from distant to clingy or vice versa? How did you handle it?

a month ago

It sounds like you are navigating a complex and emotionally challenging situation. Relationships can often undergo significant shifts, especially when one partner is dealing with mental health issues, trauma, or attachment styles. Here are some insights and suggestions that might help you understand the dynamics you're experiencing and how to approach them.

Understanding Attachment Styles

Your boyfriend’s recent labeling of himself as having an anxious attachment style suggests that he may have deep-seated fears of abandonment and a strong need for reassurance in relationships. On the other hand, your behavior may align with an avoidant attachment style, where you might feel overwhelmed by his demands for closeness and reassurance, prompting you to pull away.

Attachment theory explains how early relationships with caregivers shape our interactions and expectations in adult relationships. For someone with an anxious attachment style, the fear of losing a partner can manifest in clinginess and jealousy, as you’ve experienced. Conversely, avoidant individuals often prioritize independence and may feel suffocated by emotional demands.

Recognizing the Shift

The transition from distance to clinginess in your relationship can be perplexing. This shift may be attributed to various factors, including:

Life Changes: His move may have triggered insecurities and caused him to seek more emotional closeness.
Unresolved Trauma: His unaddressed trauma and anxiety can lead to fluctuating emotional states, resulting in a push-pull dynamic.
Fear of Losing You: His past struggles with alcohol and mental health may have heightened his fear of abandonment, causing him to cling more tightly.

Setting Boundaries

It’s essential to establish healthy boundaries for both yourself and your partner. Here are some steps you can take:

Communicate Openly: Share your feelings honestly with him about how his clinginess affects you. Use “I” statements to express your feelings without placing blame (e.g., “I feel overwhelmed when…”).
Encourage Individual Therapy: While he has engaged with therapy, it might be beneficial for him to continue working on his individual issues independently. This can help him gain insights and coping strategies without relying solely on the relationship for support.
Discuss the Ultimatum: Ultimatums can create pressure and resentment. Discuss your thoughts on his request for commitment and couples therapy. It’s crucial to approach this as a partnership rather than a demand.

Self-Care and Support

Prioritize your own mental health and well-being during this challenging time. Engaging in activities you enjoy, like dancing and fitness, is vital for your happiness and self-identity. Consider seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist to help you process your feelings and experiences.

Seeking Couples Therapy

If you feel comfortable, consider agreeing to couples therapy as a space to explore the dynamics of your relationship together. A qualified therapist can help facilitate constructive communication and provide tools to navigate the complexities of your attachment styles.

Reflect on Your Needs

Ultimately, reflect on what you need in a relationship. If you find that his demands for reassurance and commitment are draining you, it may be worth considering whether this relationship can meet your emotional needs in the long term.

It’s okay to feel confused and drained; relationships can be incredibly taxing, especially in the face of mental health struggles. Take your time to assess your feelings and what you want moving forward. You deserve a relationship that supports your well-being while also allowing you to flourish as an individual.

Remember, you’re not alone in this experience. Many people have faced similar challenges in their relationships, and it’s important to prioritize both your emotional health and your partner’s growth.

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