Josepha Jenson

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I’m a 20-year-old woman (20F) in my first serious relationship, and my partner and I have been together since March 2023, which means we’re approaching two years. About five months ago, we moved in together. For some context, my mother (42) married at 19, had me at 22, and divorced by 24. Her marriage wasn’t great, and I think that history is affecting how she views me now. She dropped out of college due to my biological dad and ended up working retail until recently. My stepdad, on the other hand, has never married, and he’s been with my mother for 15 years. They’re not married, have lived together for a long time, and have recently become very religious, despite not always living according to their teachings. My relationship with my parents has never been great. My bio-dad caused a lot of issues in my life, and his family wasn’t supportive either. He even disowned me and tried to prevent me from knowing my siblings. So, the family I can count on is limited, and they are also judgmental. One of the key issues between my parents and I revolves around my mental health, which they didn’t believe in until recently. I’m now in a relationship with someone who cherishes me, never raises his voice at me, helps me see myself in a better light, and takes great care of me. But my parents have never made an effort to get to know him. My younger cousins and their mom have told me that my parents speak negatively about my relationship, including how they "never expected me to leave college and work retail." I had to leave college because I couldn’t afford it. They’ve also said that they won’t support me if I get pregnant and my partner abandons me. I’ve tried talking to my parents about why they don’t like him or make an effort to know him, but they brush me off. They’ve been talking poorly about my relationship so much that even my grandparents think less of it. The odd part is, we live 13 hours away from them, and they never visit or call. If I mention anything about my partner, they change the subject. So here’s my dilemma: I’m questioning whether I should cut them off entirely. I’ve been thinking about this for five years, and my therapists and friends support it. Even my mom’s sister said she understands why I might do it. I’m visiting them with my partner this weekend, and I’m honestly scared. I invited my partner so they would be forced to talk to him, and I’m (maybe naively) hoping that spending time together will help them see who he really is. They’ve never had a deep conversation with him in the two years we’ve been together. I told my mom that I was excited for them to spend time with him, and her response was, "liking someone is subjective" and, "as long as you're happy, I’ll be okay." To me, this feels like they won’t try again. If they continue speaking negatively about us and won’t try to see the good in him, would I be wrong to stop including them in my life? I love them, and I crave their acceptance and approval, but my partner treats me with more respect and care than they ever have. Any advice on how to approach this weekend and navigate this situation would be really helpful. Thank you. Response & Advice: It sounds like you’re in a really difficult position, and it’s understandable that you feel torn between your love for your family and your desire to protect your relationship with your partner. Here are a few suggestions on how to navigate this situation: Acknowledge Your Emotions: It’s clear that you’ve had a tough relationship with your parents, and it makes sense that you’re craving their approval. But remember that it’s okay to prioritize your own well-being and happiness. If your partner is treating you with respect and care, that’s what matters most. It’s natural to want your family’s support, but it’s also important to recognize when their behavior is unhealthy and not supportive of your growth. Set Boundaries with Your Family: It seems like your parents are unwilling to truly get to know your partner, and this could be because of their own biases or unresolved issues. You’ve already tried to engage with them and share your feelings, but if they continue to reject your relationship and make hurtful comments, it might be time to consider setting boundaries. It’s okay to distance yourself from people who consistently make you feel invalidated or unappreciated. Give Your Partner a Chance: Since you’re planning on spending time with your family this weekend, it’s a good opportunity to have your partner be part of the conversation. But keep in mind that their response may not change overnight. If they’re unwilling to engage with him or accept your relationship, try not to take it personally. You can’t control their reactions, but you can control how you respond to them. Trust Your Intuition: If your family’s behavior is consistently negative and they refuse to make an effort to understand or support your relationship, it’s okay to distance yourself. Trust your own judgment and recognize that you deserve to be in a supportive environment, both from your partner and from your family. Your mental and emotional health is important, and surrounding yourself with people who uplift and care for you is essential. Consider Therapy or Support: If you continue to struggle with this decision, talking to a therapist might help you sort through your feelings and give you the tools to navigate these difficult family dynamics. They can help you explore your relationship with your parents and whether continuing to engage with them is in your best interest. Final Thoughts: This is a challenging situation, but it’s important to remember that you have the right to prioritize your happiness and well-being. If your family refuses to support you or your partner and continues to make negative comments, you are not obligated to keep them in your life. It may take time to fully process these emotions, but trust that you have the strength to make the best decision for your future. Focus on the people who treat you with love and respect, and don’t feel guilty for choosing what’s best for you.