Bettye Wilbur

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I, a trans man, have developed feelings for another guy. The issue is that he is not gay at all, and I identify as a man, which complicates things. Here's the situation: We started off falling for each other and became physically intimate. After some time, I told him I wasn’t feeling comfortable anymore, which led to him having a huge outburst because I had promised to tell him if I ever felt that way. He became manipulative, and his behavior felt like gaslighting during his angry phase. We decided to take a three-week break to give me some space from his verbal abuse, but now we’re back to square one. I know I tend to self-sabotage, but we hung out yesterday, and we kissed several times. The problem is, he finds me attractive for my female body, not because I’m a man. While he says he loves me for my personality, I can’t shake the feeling that, deep down, he sees me as a female rather than the man I am. I’m stuck on whether to continue with this relationship, try to force a friendship while waiting for the feelings to fade, or cut him off completely. I need some advice. Advice: It sounds like you're in a difficult and emotionally draining situation, and I completely understand why you're feeling conflicted. You’re navigating complex emotions, and it’s important to prioritize your well-being in this process. Here are a few things to consider: 1. Your Identity and Boundaries: You have every right to feel comfortable in your body and your identity. It seems that there’s a disconnect between how he views you and how you view yourself, particularly with his attraction being linked to your past rather than recognizing you as the man you are. It’s crucial to have someone who sees and respects you for who you are, not just for your past or the way they want to view you. If he is not acknowledging your true identity and continues to see you as a female rather than as a man, that’s a major issue. 2. Emotional Safety and Manipulation: It’s clear that there has been a lot of manipulation and emotional harm in this relationship. You mentioned verbal abuse and gaslighting, which are serious red flags. No matter how strong the chemistry may be, emotional manipulation and abuse are not healthy or sustainable in any relationship. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel loved, respected, and understood, not one where you have to question your identity or your worth. 3. Understanding the Dynamic: It seems like he may be struggling with reconciling his feelings and his attraction to you, possibly because he’s not fully accepting of your gender identity. This could be a sign that he may not be as open or accepting of your trans identity as you need him to be. Even though he says he loves your personality, it’s crucial to reflect on whether he truly respects you as a man and if that’s something he can accept and embrace. If his feelings are based on your body or your past rather than your present identity, that’s something to consider carefully. 4. Self-Sabotage and Personal Growth: You mentioned self-sabotage, and it’s important to recognize when you’re allowing yourself to stay in a situation that doesn’t serve you. Take time to reflect on why you’re allowing this relationship to continue despite the negative aspects. Is it the fear of being alone? Is it the intensity of the emotions? Recognizing your own patterns of self-sabotage can help you make more informed decisions about your relationship and your emotional health moving forward. 5. Moving Forward: Ultimately, you have to decide whether this relationship is worth continuing or if it’s time to move on. Here are some questions to ask yourself: Do you feel seen and respected as the man you are in this relationship? Is he truly supportive of your identity, or is he only focused on certain aspects of your body or personality? Do you feel emotionally safe with him, or do you feel manipulated or misunderstood? If the relationship continues to cause harm to your sense of self and emotional well-being, it may be time to cut ties and focus on your own growth and healing. You deserve someone who fully accepts and respects you as the man you are, and it’s okay to walk away from a relationship that isn’t healthy for you. Conclusion: You have the right to stand firm in your identity and your boundaries. If this person can’t accept you for who you truly are, and if the relationship is doing more harm than good, it’s okay to let go. Trust your instincts and prioritize your emotional health, even if it’s difficult.