My (25F) boyfriend (33M) has had a complicated past with his ex (33F), and we all come from the same small town, so it’s hard to avoid drama. My boyfriend was with his ex for 5 years, and from what he’s told me (though I only know his side), their relationship was on and off for the last 3 years. She was a serial cheater (which the whole town knows), and he stayed with her longer than he should have because he was concerned for her 3 kids from a previous relationship. They all lived with him, and even though they had broken up, he didn’t want to kick them out. Eventually, after several months of telling her to leave, he finally started talking to me, but only after he made it clear to her that their relationship was over. The situation with his ex had been going on for about 8 months before we met. To be clear, I wouldn’t have gotten involved with him if it weren’t for my trust in our mutual relatives. So, we began talking and eventually started dating, but she was very upset. She started texting him constantly, and when he blocked her number, she tried using her work phone and even had her 12-year-old daughter send messages on her behalf. She posts about missing him on social media and makes public posts bashing him and calling him names. It’s weird, but I didn’t think much of it—until recently. On New Year's Eve, we were at his house, watching a movie, when we heard a noise outside. We thought it was just kids playing pranks, but when we went to check, we realized his house had been egged. It was strange because his house is at the end of a cul-de-sac, and no one else’s house had been targeted. After reviewing the footage from his driveway camera, we saw three people throwing eggs, but the video was too blurry to clearly identify them. We asked around, and his cousin (who’s dating his ex’s relative) recognized the niece by her outfit. He’s 100% sure it was her. We know that the ex has been telling her family and the public that my boyfriend cheated on her with me and kicked her out, which isn’t true, but they don’t know that. So, we’re left wondering if the niece is doing this out of loyalty to her aunt or if the ex herself asked her to do it. At first, we just let the phone calls and social media posts slide, but the fact that someone came to his house—especially knowing he has security cameras—makes me uncomfortable. What if it had been something more dangerous, like a rock through the window? I feel like things will escalate if we don’t do something. How should we approach this situation?

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Paulette Alita

My (25F) boyfriend (33M) has had a complicated past with his ex (33F), and we all come from the same small town, so it’s hard to avoid drama. My boyfriend was with his ex for 5 years, and from what he’s told me (though I only know his side), their relationship was on and off for the last 3 years. She was a serial cheater (which the whole town knows), and he stayed with her longer than he should have because he was concerned for her 3 kids from a previous relationship. They all lived with him, and even though they had broken up, he didn’t want to kick them out. Eventually, after several months of telling her to leave, he finally started talking to me, but only after he made it clear to her that their relationship was over. The situation with his ex had been going on for about 8 months before we met. To be clear, I wouldn’t have gotten involved with him if it weren’t for my trust in our mutual relatives. So, we began talking and eventually started dating, but she was very upset. She started texting him constantly, and when he blocked her number, she tried using her work phone and even had her 12-year-old daughter send messages on her behalf. She posts about missing him on social media and makes public posts bashing him and calling him names. It’s weird, but I didn’t think much of it—until recently. On New Year's Eve, we were at his house, watching a movie, when we heard a noise outside. We thought it was just kids playing pranks, but when we went to check, we realized his house had been egged. It was strange because his house is at the end of a cul-de-sac, and no one else’s house had been targeted. After reviewing the footage from his driveway camera, we saw three people throwing eggs, but the video was too blurry to clearly identify them. We asked around, and his cousin (who’s dating his ex’s relative) recognized the niece by her outfit. He’s 100% sure it was her. We know that the ex has been telling her family and the public that my boyfriend cheated on her with me and kicked her out, which isn’t true, but they don’t know that. So, we’re left wondering if the niece is doing this out of loyalty to her aunt or if the ex herself asked her to do it. At first, we just let the phone calls and social media posts slide, but the fact that someone came to his house—especially knowing he has security cameras—makes me uncomfortable. What if it had been something more dangerous, like a rock through the window? I feel like things will escalate if we don’t do something. How should we approach this situation?

a month ago

692

Your situation is undoubtedly challenging, and it's completely understandable to feel uncomfortable given the recent events. Here are some steps you might consider taking to address the situation effectively:

1. Open Communication with Your Boyfriend

Start by having a candid conversation with your boyfriend about your feelings. Discuss your concerns regarding the escalating behavior from his ex and her family. It's essential that both of you are on the same page about how to handle the situation moving forward.

2. Document Everything

Keep a detailed record of all incidents involving his ex and her family, including:

Text messages and social media posts.
Details of the egging incident, including date, time, and any identifiable information from the footage.
Any threats or aggressive behavior observed.

This documentation can be invaluable if you need to take further action.

3. Consider a Calm Confrontation

If both you and your boyfriend feel comfortable, consider directly addressing the ex or her family. This should be approached calmly and respectfully. You might say something like:

"We understand there are strong feelings involved, but we would appreciate it if you could respect our relationship and boundaries."

This can sometimes help to diffuse tension and clarify intentions.

4. Set Boundaries

Your boyfriend should firmly establish boundaries with his ex. This includes:

Clearly stating that he no longer wishes to engage in communication.
Blocking her on all social media platforms and phone numbers.
Informing mutual friends and relatives that he does not want to discuss the past or engage in any drama.

5. Enhance Home Security

Given that someone has already vandalized your boyfriend's property, consider taking additional security measures:

Install better outdoor lighting.
Consider a security system with motion sensors and alarms.
Inform neighbors about the situation so they can help keep an eye out.

6. Reach Out for Legal Advice

If the harassment continues or escalates, it may be wise to consult with a legal professional. They can provide guidance on obtaining a restraining order or other legal protections. Documented evidence will be crucial in this process.

7. Focus on Your Relationship

While it’s important to address these issues, it’s equally vital to maintain a healthy relationship with your boyfriend. Spend quality time together, engage in activities you both enjoy, and support each other through this challenging time.

8. Seek Support

Consider talking to friends or family about what you're going through. Sometimes, having a support system can help you feel less isolated and more empowered to handle the situation.

Conclusion

Dealing with an ex who is unwilling to move on can be difficult, especially in a small town where everyone knows each other. By addressing the issue head-on, setting clear boundaries, and prioritizing safety, you and your boyfriend can work towards a resolution. Remember, your well-being and peace of mind are paramount.

Stay strong, and know that it’s okay to seek help from professionals if the situation becomes overwhelming.

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