Malia Robby

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I (19F) have been with my boyfriend (20M) for 3.5 years. Our relationship has been great in many ways—we've traveled the world together, joke around with each other, like each other's families, and there’s been very little toxicity. However, there’s one major issue: he’s just not emotionally invested. He’s actually broken up with me once before, saying that “he doesn’t love me anymore.” For a long time, I thought I could fix him, especially with how he switches between being “all in” and “all out.” But lately, I feel like I’m waking up to the reality of the situation. I want someone who is sure from the start that they want me, someone who’s just as obsessed with me as I was with him. I want someone who never questions or denies a future with me, but now, I find myself second-guessing everything. He’s perfect in many ways, but there are some things that bother me—like how he won’t talk about our future, doesn’t seem interested in my hobbies, makes everything a competition, and needs to be reminded to compliment me. Am I being too critical? Am I asking for too much? I’m afraid that if I leave, I’ll regret it and never find someone who gives me what we had—plus more. Answer/Advice: It’s clear that you’ve been very thoughtful about your relationship and are facing a difficult dilemma. Relationships can be complex, and it’s natural to feel torn between staying in something familiar and wondering if you deserve something better. Here’s some advice to help you navigate your feelings: 1. Acknowledge Your Needs: It’s not being too critical to want a partner who is emotionally invested, willing to engage in your interests, and sees a future with you. These are all valid needs. Relationships thrive on mutual respect, emotional connection, and shared visions for the future. It's important to assess whether your boyfriend is able to meet these needs, or if you’ve been compromising on them for too long. 2. Reflect on the Past: Consider how long you’ve been feeling unfulfilled and how often the issues you’re facing have come up. It’s easy to look at the good times and believe you can fix the things that aren’t working, but it’s also important to recognize patterns of behavior. Has this been an ongoing issue, or is it something that has just recently become more apparent? 3. The Future Conversation: One of the things you mentioned is that your boyfriend won’t talk about a future with you. This is a significant red flag. If he’s unable or unwilling to have these conversations, it could indicate that he’s not emotionally committed to the long-term relationship. Being able to imagine and plan for the future together is a key part of building a partnership. 4. Is It Fair to Stay? It’s natural to worry about whether you’ll find what you had, plus more, if you leave. However, sometimes what we perceive as “perfect” in the moment is actually an illusion we’ve created to justify staying in a situation that doesn’t meet our deeper needs. You deserve a partner who values and cherishes you consistently, and who doesn’t make you feel like you have to “fix” them to get that. 5. Balance: There’s a fine line between being too critical and knowing when enough is enough. Your concerns aren’t trivial—they reflect deep emotional needs and desires for growth, connection, and shared purpose. It’s about finding a balance between understanding that no one is perfect and recognizing when the relationship isn’t meeting your fundamental needs. 6. Take Time to Reflect: Before making any decision, it’s important to give yourself time to really think about what you want in a relationship and whether this relationship can give that to you long-term. Sometimes, taking a break from the relationship (without actually breaking up) and gaining some distance can give you the clarity you need. 7. Don’t Be Afraid to Choose Yourself: In the end, your happiness and emotional well-being matter most. If you continue to stay in the relationship out of fear of losing what you have, you may be missing out on the opportunity to find a relationship that truly fulfills you. Trust yourself, and know that there is no shame in choosing a path that prioritizes your happiness and growth. Whether you stay or leave, be sure you’re making the decision based on what’s best for you, not just out of fear of change or fear of being alone. You are worthy of someone who loves and invests in you fully.