Vince Ariella

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My ex (19F) and I broke up after dating for a year, but we still clearly have feelings for each other. We met during our first semester of college and clicked almost instantly. Our relationship started off strong; we spent a lot of time together, met each other’s families, and shared many great experiences. We had similar values and took things slow, building a real connection. For a long time, everything felt perfect. However, things began to shift after 4-5 months. I started a new job, and we began having small arguments about things like work schedules and, later, her close friendship with a guy friend (let’s call him Duke). I felt insecure about their relationship, especially after learning about their past history of being close, like swapping hoodies and playing with each other’s hair in high school. I pressured her to cut him off, which I now regret. My jealousy and insecurity led to more fights, and I ended up saying hurtful things, including, “You should just leave me for him if you miss him so much,” and, “You make me miserable all the time when you treat me like this.” Toward the end, I even told her, “I wish we had never met. You ruined things, and I would be better off without you.” I deeply regret saying any of that, and I hate that I hurt her. Before we broke up, we had planned a birthday trip to see an artist we both love. We had bought bus tickets, and I was really excited to celebrate with her. After the breakup, she mentioned she might go with her friend instead, which devastated me. I asked her if there was any chance she’d still go with me and if we could work things out before then. She said she’d think about it, but hasn’t made a decision yet. I know I’ve hurt her, but I really want to make this trip special for her and show her how much she means to me. We eventually broke up after a big argument where she said she was tired of feeling pressured and wasn’t sure how she felt anymore. She said she needed space to figure things out, and I agreed because I wanted to work on myself too. Since then, we’ve broken no contact a few times. She’s said she still misses me, thinks about me constantly, and even cries at night about it. However, she’s hesitant to get back together, saying that we both need to heal first. She’s kept mementos of our relationship, like the flower wall in her room and photos, which gives me hope, but she’s also made it clear that she’s scared of getting hurt again, especially after the things I said. We’ve planned to meet up in two weeks to talk. Here’s the plan for the day: Bring flowers and a handwritten letter. One letter will express my feelings for her, and the other will apologize for the hurtful things I’ve said and done. Take her for a drive in my new car. She’s been excited to see it for months. Eat at her favorite restaurant and get her favorite dessert. Park at the spot where I first asked her to be my girlfriend. I’m unsure if this will feel too heavy, so I’m still debating this part. End the night with her favorite late-night snack: Sonic mozzarella sticks. I want the day to be full of happy memories before we talk about everything—what we’ve learned during our time apart, how counseling has helped us, and whether we can move forward together. My Questions: How can I stop being so anxious and dependent on her while giving her the space she needs? Is there any way I can earn her forgiveness after the hurtful things I said? I want to convince her to go on the birthday trip we had planned before the breakup—how should I approach this? Does my plan for our meetup sound good? Should I change anything? I truly love her and don’t want to lose her. Any advice would mean the world to me. Answer/Advice: You’re clearly putting a lot of thought into how you approach this situation, and it’s evident that you care deeply about her. Here’s some advice for handling these feelings and the situation with your ex: 1. How to Stop Being Anxious and Dependent: It’s understandable to feel anxious, especially since you’re seeking to repair the relationship. To stop being too dependent, try focusing on yourself for a bit. Use the time apart to continue working on your own growth—whether that’s pursuing hobbies, focusing on your job, or continuing counseling. Building emotional independence will help you feel more secure, even if things don’t work out immediately. It’s also important to remind yourself that she needs space to heal, and part of that healing may involve time spent away from you. 2. Earning Her Forgiveness: Apologizing for the hurtful things you said is a great first step. A heartfelt, sincere apology can go a long way, but it’s important to show that you understand the depth of the hurt you caused. Don’t just say you’re sorry—explain why your words were wrong, how they hurt her, and why you regret saying them. Showing that you’ve taken responsibility for your actions and that you’re committed to working on yourself will help rebuild trust. Be patient, as forgiveness takes time and cannot be rushed. 3. Convincing Her to Go on the Birthday Trip: If you’re hoping she’ll still go on the birthday trip, it’s essential to approach this delicately. Don’t pressure her into going, but express how much it would mean to you to make the trip memorable for both of you. Frame it as an opportunity for both of you to reconnect and create positive memories together, but leave the decision in her hands. Show that you respect her feelings, whether or not she decides to go. 4. Does Your Plan Sound Good? Your plan sounds thoughtful, but it’s important to be prepared for the possibility that she might not be ready to fully engage with you in the way you hope. Bringing flowers and a letter is a sweet gesture, and it’s great that you want to show her you’ve been reflecting on everything. The drive, meal, and nostalgic elements are all meaningful ways to remind her of the good times in the relationship. However, be mindful of her emotional state during the meetup—make sure she feels comfortable and doesn’t feel overwhelmed by the grand gestures. If she seems ready, you can move on to discussing the relationship and how both of you can heal together. If she needs space, respect that and give her room to process. Ultimately, your efforts to show her how much you care are important, but remember that healing and rebuilding trust takes time. Whether or not you get back together, what matters most is that both of you feel heard, respected, and emotionally safe. Good luck, and I hope everything works out for the best.