I’m a 20-year-old female and have been friends with a guy, Jake (20m), for several years. We met back in school when a teacher seated us next to each other, and we immediately hit it off. Over time, we drifted apart a bit but kept in touch and remained close. About a year ago, Jake started dating a girl named Leah (16f). They had what seemed to be a great relationship, and I became friends with Leah too. She’s really kind and funny, and we got along well. Unfortunately, they broke up around two months ago. I didn’t ask about the details of their breakup because it didn’t feel like my place. When I found out, I made it clear to both of them that I was there for them if they wanted to talk, but neither of them reached out, so I just left it alone. After their breakup, Jake and I began talking a bit more—nothing serious, just casual conversations now and then. I didn’t post about it online or tell Leah, but I guess she found out through mutual friends. Last week, Leah messaged me saying she wanted to cut contact because she couldn’t understand why I was still talking to Jake after he “hurt her so much.” I apologized and told her I understood if she didn’t want to stay in touch, but the more I think about it, the more confused I feel. I’ve known Jake for years, long before Leah came into the picture. I haven’t taken sides or discussed Jake with Leah (or vice versa), and I’ve respected their privacy and tried to stay neutral. I get that this was Leah’s first serious relationship, and breakups at that age can be really painful, but I don’t understand why she’s upset with me for maintaining my friendship with Jake. I don’t know what happened between them, so I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did I make a mistake by staying friends with Jake? Should I have handled things differently? I’d really appreciate any advice or perspective. Answer/Advice: It sounds like you’re in a tough spot. Navigating friendships during or after a breakup, especially when emotions are high, can be tricky. Here are a few things to keep in mind: Leah’s feelings are valid: It’s clear that Leah is feeling hurt, and while it’s understandable that you want to maintain your friendship with Jake, it’s important to acknowledge that she may be processing the breakup in a different way. For her, it might feel like you’re still supporting someone who hurt her deeply, even if you haven’t directly taken sides. This is especially tough if it was her first serious relationship. You have every right to be friends with Jake: You’ve known Jake long before Leah, and it’s understandable that you want to keep your friendship with him. There’s no rule that says you can’t talk to him after their breakup, but it might help to recognize how Leah could perceive it, especially if she’s feeling betrayed or hurt by the breakup. Neutrality is important, but so is communication: It seems like you’ve tried to be neutral and respectful, which is great. However, sometimes it’s helpful to have open conversations with both parties involved. In this case, maybe talking to Leah and explaining your perspective more clearly could help her understand that you’re not choosing sides and that your relationship with Jake is separate from hers. Sometimes, simply explaining your position can help clear up misunderstandings. Respecting her space: While it’s understandable that you’re confused, if Leah needs some space to heal and process, it might be best to give her that. Sometimes, the best way to maintain a relationship is to give the other person time to come to terms with the situation. In the meantime, keep being there for her in ways that feel right, and if she eventually wants to reconnect, you’ll have already shown respect for her boundaries. Don’t feel guilty: It’s clear that you haven’t done anything wrong by keeping your friendship with Jake. You’ve been supportive and respectful, and you’re not responsible for their breakup. Relationships are complicated, and it’s difficult when you find yourself in the middle, but trust your instincts and continue handling things with kindness. Ultimately, you didn’t mess up, but there’s a chance that more communication could help smooth things over. Take your time to figure out what’s best for both your friendship with Leah and your bond with Jake. Your feelings are valid too, and it’s okay to navigate this with patience.

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I’m a 20-year-old female and have been friends with a guy, Jake (20m), for several years. We met back in school when a teacher seated us next to each other, and we immediately hit it off. Over time, we drifted apart a bit but kept in touch and remained close. About a year ago, Jake started dating a girl named Leah (16f). They had what seemed to be a great relationship, and I became friends with Leah too. She’s really kind and funny, and we got along well. Unfortunately, they broke up around two months ago. I didn’t ask about the details of their breakup because it didn’t feel like my place. When I found out, I made it clear to both of them that I was there for them if they wanted to talk, but neither of them reached out, so I just left it alone. After their breakup, Jake and I began talking a bit more—nothing serious, just casual conversations now and then. I didn’t post about it online or tell Leah, but I guess she found out through mutual friends. Last week, Leah messaged me saying she wanted to cut contact because she couldn’t understand why I was still talking to Jake after he “hurt her so much.” I apologized and told her I understood if she didn’t want to stay in touch, but the more I think about it, the more confused I feel. I’ve known Jake for years, long before Leah came into the picture. I haven’t taken sides or discussed Jake with Leah (or vice versa), and I’ve respected their privacy and tried to stay neutral. I get that this was Leah’s first serious relationship, and breakups at that age can be really painful, but I don’t understand why she’s upset with me for maintaining my friendship with Jake. I don’t know what happened between them, so I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did I make a mistake by staying friends with Jake? Should I have handled things differently? I’d really appreciate any advice or perspective. Answer/Advice: It sounds like you’re in a tough spot. Navigating friendships during or after a breakup, especially when emotions are high, can be tricky. Here are a few things to keep in mind: Leah’s feelings are valid: It’s clear that Leah is feeling hurt, and while it’s understandable that you want to maintain your friendship with Jake, it’s important to acknowledge that she may be processing the breakup in a different way. For her, it might feel like you’re still supporting someone who hurt her deeply, even if you haven’t directly taken sides. This is especially tough if it was her first serious relationship. You have every right to be friends with Jake: You’ve known Jake long before Leah, and it’s understandable that you want to keep your friendship with him. There’s no rule that says you can’t talk to him after their breakup, but it might help to recognize how Leah could perceive it, especially if she’s feeling betrayed or hurt by the breakup. Neutrality is important, but so is communication: It seems like you’ve tried to be neutral and respectful, which is great. However, sometimes it’s helpful to have open conversations with both parties involved. In this case, maybe talking to Leah and explaining your perspective more clearly could help her understand that you’re not choosing sides and that your relationship with Jake is separate from hers. Sometimes, simply explaining your position can help clear up misunderstandings. Respecting her space: While it’s understandable that you’re confused, if Leah needs some space to heal and process, it might be best to give her that. Sometimes, the best way to maintain a relationship is to give the other person time to come to terms with the situation. In the meantime, keep being there for her in ways that feel right, and if she eventually wants to reconnect, you’ll have already shown respect for her boundaries. Don’t feel guilty: It’s clear that you haven’t done anything wrong by keeping your friendship with Jake. You’ve been supportive and respectful, and you’re not responsible for their breakup. Relationships are complicated, and it’s difficult when you find yourself in the middle, but trust your instincts and continue handling things with kindness. Ultimately, you didn’t mess up, but there’s a chance that more communication could help smooth things over. Take your time to figure out what’s best for both your friendship with Leah and your bond with Jake. Your feelings are valid too, and it’s okay to navigate this with patience.

a month ago

It sounds like you’re in a tough spot. Navigating friendships during or after a breakup, especially when emotions are high, can be tricky. Here are a few things to keep in mind:

Leah’s Feelings Are Valid

It’s clear that Leah is feeling hurt, and while it’s understandable that you want to maintain your friendship with Jake, it’s important to acknowledge that she may be processing the breakup in a different way. For her, it might feel like you’re still supporting someone who hurt her deeply, even if you haven’t directly taken sides. This is especially tough if it was her first serious relationship. Many people experience heightened emotions during their first breakup, which can cloud their judgment about friendships. For example, if a close friend continues to hang out with an ex-partner who caused pain, it can feel like a betrayal to the friend still reeling from the emotional fallout.

You Have Every Right to Be Friends with Jake

You’ve known Jake long before Leah, and it’s understandable that you want to keep your friendship with him. There’s no rule that says you can’t talk to him after their breakup. However, it might help to recognize how Leah could perceive it, especially if she’s feeling betrayed or hurt by the breakup. Think of it this way: if you were in Leah’s shoes, how might you feel if a friend continued spending time with someone who caused you emotional distress? It’s a complex emotional landscape, and her reaction, while perhaps unexpected, is rooted in her feelings of hurt.

Neutrality is Important, but So is Communication

It seems like you’ve tried to be neutral and respectful, which is great. However, sometimes it’s helpful to have open conversations with both parties involved. In this case, maybe talking to Leah and explaining your perspective more clearly could help her understand that you’re not choosing sides and that your relationship with Jake is separate from hers. You might say something like, "I really value our friendship, and I hope you understand that my friendship with Jake doesn’t change how I feel about you." Sometimes, simply explaining your position can help clear up misunderstandings.

Respecting Her Space

While it’s understandable that you’re confused, if Leah needs some space to heal and process, it might be best to give her that. Sometimes, the best way to maintain a relationship is to give the other person time to come to terms with the situation. In the meantime, keep being there for her in ways that feel right, and if she eventually wants to reconnect, you’ll have already shown respect for her boundaries. For instance, you might choose to send her a message expressing your support without pressing for a response, allowing her the space she needs.

Don’t Feel Guilty

It’s clear that you haven’t done anything wrong by keeping your friendship with Jake. You’ve been supportive and respectful, and you’re not responsible for their breakup. Relationships are complicated, and it’s difficult when you find yourself in the middle, but trust your instincts and continue handling things with kindness. Remember that friendships can endure challenges, and it’s okay to prioritize both relationships as long as you’re being considerate.

Conclusion

Ultimately, you didn’t mess up, but there’s a chance that more communication could help smooth things over. Take your time to figure out what’s best for both your friendship with Leah and your bond with Jake. Your feelings are valid too, and it’s okay to navigate this with patience. Surround yourself with supportive friends who understand your situation, and remember that it’s possible to maintain both friendships with care and respect.

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