My husband (34M) tends to lie about small things, and it’s really bothering me. He’ll go to great lengths to hide his lies, and when I confront him, he just continues to lie until I provide evidence. When I get upset about it, he laughs it off and tells me I’m overreacting. I’ve also noticed that he exaggerates things in front of our friends, and when I ask him later why he lied, he gets upset, calling me controlling. Here’s an example from today: We had some repair work going on in our building, and we received an email telling us to move our car to a visitor’s spot for the day. I reminded him in the morning to check his email and move the car. He forgot, and the building manager called him about it. I overheard the conversation and asked, “Oh, you forgot?” He denied it and said he knew, but when I pointed out that he got a call, he insisted it was a spam call. Later, I reminded him again to move the car, and when I asked him to admit he got the call, he still denied it, saying the building manager hadn’t called. I got upset and checked his phone, asking who called him, pointing to the number. He said it was spam, but when I looked it up in my email, I saw it was the building manager’s number. He just laughed at me when he saw I’d figured it out. This made me really upset. I told him if he lies about small things, how can I trust him on bigger matters? Honesty is so important in a relationship, but he just kept brushing it off, saying it was no big deal. Is this a big deal, or am I overreacting? How should I handle situations like this moving forward?

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Hank Katrina

My husband (34M) tends to lie about small things, and it’s really bothering me. He’ll go to great lengths to hide his lies, and when I confront him, he just continues to lie until I provide evidence. When I get upset about it, he laughs it off and tells me I’m overreacting. I’ve also noticed that he exaggerates things in front of our friends, and when I ask him later why he lied, he gets upset, calling me controlling. Here’s an example from today: We had some repair work going on in our building, and we received an email telling us to move our car to a visitor’s spot for the day. I reminded him in the morning to check his email and move the car. He forgot, and the building manager called him about it. I overheard the conversation and asked, “Oh, you forgot?” He denied it and said he knew, but when I pointed out that he got a call, he insisted it was a spam call. Later, I reminded him again to move the car, and when I asked him to admit he got the call, he still denied it, saying the building manager hadn’t called. I got upset and checked his phone, asking who called him, pointing to the number. He said it was spam, but when I looked it up in my email, I saw it was the building manager’s number. He just laughed at me when he saw I’d figured it out. This made me really upset. I told him if he lies about small things, how can I trust him on bigger matters? Honesty is so important in a relationship, but he just kept brushing it off, saying it was no big deal. Is this a big deal, or am I overreacting? How should I handle situations like this moving forward?

a month ago

It's understandable that you are feeling frustrated and hurt by your husband's behavior. Trust is a foundational element in any relationship, and consistent dishonesty, even about small things, can erode that trust over time. Here are some points to consider as you navigate this situation:

Understanding the Impact of Dishonesty

1. Trust Issues: When your husband lies about small issues, it can lead to larger trust issues. If he feels comfortable lying about minor matters, it raises concerns about bigger issues. Trust is built on consistency and transparency, and his actions seem to contradict those principles.

2. Emotional Response: Your feelings of upset and frustration are valid. When someone you trust dismisses your concerns and laughs off your feelings, it can make you feel invalidated and alone. It's crucial to communicate that these feelings are not simply an overreaction; they stem from a genuine concern for the health of your relationship.

Examining Your Husband's Behavior

1. Denial and Deflection: The pattern of denying the truth even when faced with evidence, as in the example with the building manager's call, indicates a tendency to avoid accountability. This behavior can be a defense mechanism, but it’s important for him to recognize the consequences of his actions.

2. Exaggeration in Social Settings: If he exaggerates stories in front of friends, it can signal a desire for validation or attention. However, it can also lead to misunderstandings and damage relationships. Discussing this behavior openly can help him understand its impact on both your relationship and his social interactions.

How to Approach the Situation

1. Open Dialogue: Choose a calm moment to discuss your feelings. Use "I" statements to express how his actions affect you, such as, “I feel hurt when you deny things that I know are true.” This approach minimizes defensiveness and emphasizes your feelings rather than attacking his character.

2. Set Boundaries: Make it clear that honesty is a non-negotiable aspect of your relationship. Explain that while small lies may seem insignificant, they contribute to a larger pattern of distrust. Setting boundaries can help clarify your expectations.

3. Encourage Self-Reflection: Encourage him to reflect on why he feels the need to lie or exaggerate. This can be a difficult conversation, but understanding the root causes of his behavior is essential for growth and change.

Seeking Professional Help

If these conversations do not lead to positive changes, consider seeking couples therapy. A neutral third party can facilitate discussions and help both of you understand each other better. Therapy can provide tools for improving communication and rebuilding trust.

Conclusion

Ultimately, it’s important to prioritize your emotional well-being. If your husband continues to dismiss your feelings and the importance of honesty, you may need to consider what that means for the future of your relationship. You deserve a partner who values your feelings and is willing to work towards a healthier, more transparent relationship.

Remember, it’s not about overreacting; it’s about addressing behavior that can significantly impact your relationship. Trust your instincts and take steps that honor your feelings and needs.

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