I (32M) have lived with my mother (50F) my whole life, and we’ve always been very close. Over the years, my mother has supported me emotionally and financially, especially since I’ve struggled to find my footing in life. I recently graduated and started a career I’m passionate about, while my mother lost her job. Over the past year, I’ve been financially supporting her while living together. A year ago, I met my girlfriend (30F), who has a child and her own life. My mother has disapproved of the relationship from the start, and this has led to constant arguments. Despite my girlfriend’s attempts to be respectful, my mother has continued to make things difficult, damaging my mental health in the process. Eight months ago, I made the decision to spend the night at my girlfriend’s house, and my mother told me not to return if I did. I decided to move out, but I’ve continued paying her bills while living with my girlfriend. My mother is angry and says I’m choosing my girlfriend over her. She’s also taking care of my dog, which she uses as emotional leverage against me, since I can’t bring the dog to my girlfriend’s apartment. Recently, I told my mother I won’t be able to keep supporting her financially much longer, but I will pay off any debts she owes me (like for school or certification exams). Now, I’m wondering if I should cut her off financially or continue helping her.

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Aletha Thane

I (32M) have lived with my mother (50F) my whole life, and we’ve always been very close. Over the years, my mother has supported me emotionally and financially, especially since I’ve struggled to find my footing in life. I recently graduated and started a career I’m passionate about, while my mother lost her job. Over the past year, I’ve been financially supporting her while living together. A year ago, I met my girlfriend (30F), who has a child and her own life. My mother has disapproved of the relationship from the start, and this has led to constant arguments. Despite my girlfriend’s attempts to be respectful, my mother has continued to make things difficult, damaging my mental health in the process. Eight months ago, I made the decision to spend the night at my girlfriend’s house, and my mother told me not to return if I did. I decided to move out, but I’ve continued paying her bills while living with my girlfriend. My mother is angry and says I’m choosing my girlfriend over her. She’s also taking care of my dog, which she uses as emotional leverage against me, since I can’t bring the dog to my girlfriend’s apartment. Recently, I told my mother I won’t be able to keep supporting her financially much longer, but I will pay off any debts she owes me (like for school or certification exams). Now, I’m wondering if I should cut her off financially or continue helping her.

a month ago

It's clear from your situation that you're in a complex and emotionally charged position. Balancing your responsibilities towards your mother with your need for independence and a healthy relationship can be quite challenging. Here are some considerations to help you navigate this difficult situation:

1. Understand the Dynamics of Your Relationship with Your Mother

Your mother has played a significant role in your life, providing support through various transitions. However, this close relationship can also create dependency, making it hard for both of you to adapt to new circumstances, particularly as you begin to establish your own life and relationships. It’s essential to recognize that while your mother has supported you, the dynamics of your relationship may need to shift as you grow.

2. Assess Financial Support

Continuing to support your mother financially can come with emotional strings attached, especially since she has expressed disapproval of your girlfriend. Here are some points to consider:

Set Boundaries: If you choose to continue helping her, establish clear boundaries regarding your financial support. Explain that while you want to help her, your primary responsibility is to your own life and relationship.
Time-Limited Support: You mentioned you can't support her financially for much longer. Consider setting a timeline for your support, which may encourage her to seek employment or other resources.
Direct Assistance: Rather than paying bills directly, consider helping her find resources for job placement or financial assistance programs. This can empower her rather than enabling dependency.

3. Focus on Communication

Maintaining open lines of communication with your mother is crucial. Here are some strategies:

Listen Actively: When discussing your relationship, listen to her concerns without becoming defensive. This can help her feel heard, even if you don’t agree with her perspective.
Express Your Feelings: Share how her actions are affecting your mental health and your relationship. Use "I" statements to avoid sounding accusatory (e.g., "I feel stressed when...").
Involve Your Girlfriend: If appropriate, consider involving your girlfriend in discussions with your mother. This can help bridge the gap and show your mother that your girlfriend is a positive influence in your life.

4. Prioritize Your Relationship

Your relationship with your girlfriend is important. Here are some suggestions:

Support Each Other: Ensure that you and your girlfriend are on the same page regarding your relationship and your mother’s influence. Discuss strategies together on how to cope with the situation.
Establish Independence: Continue to build your life with your girlfriend, focusing on shared goals and activities that strengthen your bond. This can help you both feel more secure in your relationship.

5. Consider Professional Guidance

It may be beneficial to involve a therapist or counselor for both you and your mother. A professional can help navigate these complex emotions and facilitate healthier communication patterns.

Conclusion

Ultimately, the decision to cut off financial support or continue helping your mother depends on your circumstances and boundaries. If her behavior continues to negatively impact your mental health or your relationship, it may be necessary to prioritize your well-being and future. Remember, establishing healthy boundaries is not about rejecting your mother but about fostering a healthier relationship dynamic.

In the end, it’s crucial to find a balance that allows you to support your mother while also prioritizing your own life and relationship. Trust your instincts and seek support from others as you navigate this challenging situation.

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