Simon Konnor

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I’m a 28-year-old man who’s been single for about two years. It took me a while to get back into dating after my breakup, which really hit me hard. My ex-girlfriend was manipulative and gaslit me to the point where I began to question my own reality. Looking back, I wish I’d recognized the signs earlier, but hindsight is always clearer. For the past year, I’ve been dating more actively. Some connections didn’t work out for various reasons, and I do feel guilty about one girl I dated whom I led on. I’ve had a few casual hookups here and there. Currently, I’m seeing someone who feels like the healthiest emotional connection I’ve had in a while. We don’t talk much during the week, but when we meet on the weekends, it’s always fun, and we can talk for hours. I’ve had moments where I’ve almost walked away, thinking that I should avoid getting too attached or catching feelings. I know that’s unhealthy, and I’d be upset if I messed things up with her. Still, I keep her at an emotional distance, not fully considering her as someone serious, even though I know she’s a really great person. I go to therapy, and I’ve done a lot of reflection about how my past relationship has shaped the way I approach this one. But it’s still difficult to let go of the hurt and lower that emotional wall. Answer & Advice: It sounds like you’ve made significant progress in recognizing how your past experiences are affecting your current approach to relationships. It’s completely understandable that after a difficult breakup, you would feel hesitant to get emotionally close to someone else. Healing from a toxic relationship can take time, and it’s normal to keep a guard up, especially when things are going well but you fear the possibility of getting hurt again. Here are a few things to consider as you navigate this situation: Acknowledge Your Feelings: It’s okay to still feel wary and hesitant after your past experience. Those feelings don’t make you weak; they’re a natural response to the trauma of your previous relationship. Acknowledging them and understanding why you feel the way you do is an important first step. Therapy is Key: Since you’re already attending therapy, this is a great space to explore the emotional walls you’ve built up. Working through those issues with professional guidance can help you navigate the fear of getting hurt without shutting yourself off completely. It’s important to find a balance where you can protect yourself emotionally but also allow vulnerability in healthy relationships. Be Honest with Yourself: It’s great that you’re recognizing the healthy qualities of your current partner. If you see potential and know you’re keeping your distance due to fear, it might be time to evaluate if that fear is something you can work through or if it’s preventing you from forming a deeper connection. You’re not obligated to rush anything, but being honest about your feelings can help you avoid sabotaging a good connection just out of fear. Take Small Steps: Trust and emotional closeness take time to build. It’s okay to take small steps toward opening up emotionally. You don’t have to go all in immediately, but allowing yourself to be a bit more open over time may help reduce the wall you’ve built up. It’s okay to test the waters and see how things unfold. Communicate: If things continue to progress with your current partner, it might be helpful to have a conversation about your emotional hesitancy. Sharing that you’re working through past pain and trying to rebuild trust can help them understand where you’re coming from. It doesn’t mean you have to lay everything out at once, but letting them know that you’re taking things slowly for the sake of your own healing might help avoid misunderstandings. Ultimately, there’s no “right” timeline for getting over past hurt, and it’s okay to take your time to heal. The fact that you’re in therapy and are reflecting on your feelings is a great sign that you’re actively working on yourself. Just remember, you don’t have to carry the weight of your past relationship forever, and it’s possible to find a balance where you can protect yourself while also opening up to the right person. Good luck, and keep taking things one step at a time!