I (31M) have been in a relationship with my girlfriend (27F) for almost 6 years. We live together in a small basement apartment, where we share the rent and have 2 cats. In the beginning, despite our differences, we had a lot of fun and were able to connect over things like food and nature. However, over the past 3 years, things have become increasingly difficult between us. We argue almost every week, and we’ve stopped doing things together due to lack of time or energy. I'm a pretty easy-going person, but she has high expectations, such as wanting flowers, surprise dates, and regular romantic gestures. While I understand this is normal in a relationship, I’ve never been great at that and, honestly, I don’t feel motivated to do it anymore because I'm emotionally drained. I’ve also realized that I don't love her anymore. She often makes me feel inadequate, like I’m not enough for her, and that another guy would treat her better. We’re also not intimate at all, as she feels I don’t deserve it unless I put in more effort, though I’m not even physically attracted to her anymore. She’s suggested couples therapy, but I can’t afford it, and even if I could, I’m not sure I want to try and fix things. I feel like it’s time to move on. The issue is, I don’t know how to break up with her because I have nowhere to go. I can’t stay with family or friends, and one of our cats is particularly attached to me—she’s like my daughter, and I can’t leave her behind. What should I do?

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Sheena Moira

I (31M) have been in a relationship with my girlfriend (27F) for almost 6 years. We live together in a small basement apartment, where we share the rent and have 2 cats. In the beginning, despite our differences, we had a lot of fun and were able to connect over things like food and nature. However, over the past 3 years, things have become increasingly difficult between us. We argue almost every week, and we’ve stopped doing things together due to lack of time or energy. I'm a pretty easy-going person, but she has high expectations, such as wanting flowers, surprise dates, and regular romantic gestures. While I understand this is normal in a relationship, I’ve never been great at that and, honestly, I don’t feel motivated to do it anymore because I'm emotionally drained. I’ve also realized that I don't love her anymore. She often makes me feel inadequate, like I’m not enough for her, and that another guy would treat her better. We’re also not intimate at all, as she feels I don’t deserve it unless I put in more effort, though I’m not even physically attracted to her anymore. She’s suggested couples therapy, but I can’t afford it, and even if I could, I’m not sure I want to try and fix things. I feel like it’s time to move on. The issue is, I don’t know how to break up with her because I have nowhere to go. I can’t stay with family or friends, and one of our cats is particularly attached to me—she’s like my daughter, and I can’t leave her behind. What should I do?

a month ago

Breaking up with someone you live with can be an incredibly challenging situation, especially when you've shared your life together for several years. Here are some steps and considerations to help you navigate this difficult process:

1. Reflect on Your Feelings

Before making any decisions, take time to reflect on your feelings and the reasons for your desire to break up. Consider writing down your thoughts in a journal. Ask yourself:

What are the main reasons I want to end this relationship?
Have I exhausted all options to improve our situation?
Am I ready to deal with the consequences of a breakup?

2. Plan the Conversation

Once you’re certain about your decision, plan how you will communicate your feelings. Here are some tips:

Choose the Right Time: Find a moment when you both can talk without distractions. Avoid initiating the conversation during a fight or when either of you is stressed.
Be Honest but Kind: Clearly express your feelings and reasons for wanting to break up. Use "I" statements to focus on your feelings rather than blaming her. For example, instead of saying, "You never make an effort," try, "I feel overwhelmed and disconnected."
Prepare for Reactions: Understand that she may react with sadness, anger, or confusion. Be prepared to listen and validate her feelings.

3. Discuss Living Arrangements

Since you live together, it’s important to address what will happen next:

Explore Options: Discuss the possibility of one of you moving out temporarily. If finances are tight, consider subletting or finding a roommate to share the costs.
Cat Custody: Since one of the cats is particularly important to you, be clear about your desire to keep her. Discuss how you can both ensure the well-being of your pets during this transition.

4. Set Boundaries

After the breakup conversation, set clear boundaries to help both of you move on:

Limit Contact: Decide how often you will communicate after the breakup. This can help both of you adjust and heal.
Separate Finances: Work out a plan to separate shared expenses and responsibilities. This will prevent complications and misunderstandings.

5. Seek Support

Going through a breakup can be emotionally taxing. Seek support from friends or consider talking to a therapist, even if it’s just for a few sessions. They can help you process your feelings and provide guidance during this transition.

6. Take Care of Yourself

During this time, prioritize your mental and emotional well-being. Engage in activities you enjoy, spend time with friends, and take care of your physical health. This will help you cope with the changes in your life.

Conclusion

Breaking up with someone you live with is never easy, but taking a thoughtful approach can help you navigate the situation with care and respect. Remember that it’s okay to prioritize your own happiness and well-being in the long run.

Ultimately, only you can decide what is best for you. It’s important to trust your instincts and take the necessary steps to create a healthier environment for yourself.

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