My wife has been struggling with BPD, anxiety, and depression for years, and things have progressively worsened over the past 3 to 4 years. She’s reached a point where she can barely keep a job, refuses to contribute to household tasks, doesn’t engage with our kids, and has no interests beyond smoking weed and chatting with men on Snapchat because it "makes her feel better."

The tipping point came last July when she offered my underage niece weed and sent her a link to a sexual kink test. This led to an investigation by CPS, police involvement, and so on. I was cleared almost immediately, and she admitted everything, but faced no real consequences. It feels like this gave her carte blanche to do whatever she wants, without fear of any serious repercussions.

Meanwhile, my kids are suffering. Just this week, my daughter was in tears, telling me how much she wishes her mom cared about her the way she does her friends. My son has said he’d rather spend his holiday break with his grandparents than with his mom, who just sleeps all day and doesn’t spend time with him. The situation is breaking all of us down.

When CPS was involved, she briefly left, claiming she was moving back to the West Coast. Her brother convinced her to return. I’ve been thinking about filing for divorce, but I know my wife is mentally ill, and she's finally going to therapy. I have a lawyer on retainer and divorce papers ready since August, but haven’t served them yet.

I’m torn about how to approach this. I feel she needs an ultimatum, but I know she will likely just shut down and avoid the conversation, as she always does. I’ve read books and spoken with therapists, but everything we’ve tried to engage her in has failed. It's long past the point where she needs to hear how much her kids and I are hurting.

Should I just skip trying to talk to her and go ahead and file for divorce? CPS has already let us down once, and even the police were surprised she wasn’t held accountable after admitting what she did. But because of the way things work in my state, my lawyer says I likely won’t be able to get full custody of the kids, and even with shared custody, I’m worried about what kind of impact time with her will have on them.

I’m at a breaking point. Has anyone else gone through something similar, or have any advice? I really don’t know what to do anymore.

Joe Marse

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