Marko Ruzha2 months agoI (34M) am in a relationship with my girlfriend (31F) of 9 months, and I’m struggling with her idealistic approach to romance. While I understand that romantic ideals can be a part of love, they’re beginning to hurt our relationship. She has very high expectations around romance, like believing in love at first sight, feeling that a partner should just intuitively “get” her, and that relationships should be guided by emotions rather than practical considerations. She also feels that discussing issues in a relationship is a sign that it's doomed. While some of these romantic notions can be nice, they often place a lot of pressure on me, and it feels more like I’m a canvas for her idealized version of love rather than a partner. The biggest issue is that when I don’t meet one of her expectations, I don’t hear about it until her frustration has built up to the point where she’s on the verge of breaking up with me. This has happened three times now, and it's painful. Thankfully, she wants to move away from these ideals, and I’ve been helping her focus on behaviors that create healthier relationships, like communicating openly about problems. She’s grateful for this and tells me that it makes her feel safe—something she’s never felt in past relationships. She says she’s always had to be performative and sometimes even masculine in relationships, but with me, she feels like she can just be herself. This has been incredibly fulfilling for me. However, the issue remains: she’s still holding onto certain romantic ideals, especially the belief that her feelings should dictate the state of our relationship rather than clear communication of wants and needs. She has told me that she doesn’t think we should need clarity on what we want in the relationship, and that how she feels is the deciding factor in whether the relationship is going well or not. This makes me feel like our future together is completely dependent on her mood, which is exhausting. I've asked her to help me understand what makes her feel good or bad about our relationship, but she resists the idea of needing to communicate that explicitly. While I’m proud of her progress and I know she’s trying, I can’t keep being the one to teach her how relationships should work. I love her, but I’m beginning to question whether this is just another "project" relationship. I’m wondering if her romanticism is simply incompatible with my more practical, psychotherapeutic approach to relationships. I’m unsure if I’m wrong for staying in this dynamic or if I should continue supporting her growth. Any thoughts or feedback on how to approach this?386
Marko RuzhaMarko Ruzha