Wright Alger3 months ago"I (22M) was in a long-distance relationship with my ex (21F) for three years. We were serious, or so I thought, with families involved and even talking about marriage. The relationship ended early last year, and at first, I didn’t feel much unease, but after the breakup, things didn’t sit right with me. I started realizing the full extent of things after we split. In late 2023, after I graduated college, I moved for a new job. I was planning on building a future, possibly even marrying my ex, and spent months saving money to surprise her by enrolling her in school. Six months later, we planned to visit each other. I paid for her flight to come see me for three days. However, I discovered that she had been pregnant with another man’s child and had a miscarriage just before her visit. What’s crazy is, had she not experienced the miscarriage, I could have been a father to a child that wasn’t mine. She was going to trap me, but something intervened, and the situation resolved peacefully. I feel betrayed not just by the lies but by how she could deceive me to my face, especially when I was supporting her emotionally. I was there for her during one of the most heartbreaking experiences a mother could face, all while being manipulated. I only learned the full truth about everything a month after we broke up. I also found out she had cheated on me with multiple men before we broke up and dismissed everything when I confronted her. I found out she had been humiliating me to her family and friends, calling me "mentally insane" for questioning her loyalty. Her family dismissed it when I confronted them. It was a consistent pattern of manipulation and deceit, and eventually, I even received threats. A place I once thought was safe had turned toxic. I left my job and moved back home after patiently waiting for a new opportunity. I’ve spent almost a year trying to heal through religion, therapy, travel, and new hobbies. But the anger and hatred I feel towards her and her actions still haven’t gone away. My self-esteem has taken a massive hit, and she even misused thousands of dollars I earned to support her school plans. I feel violated, and the anger is affecting my relationships with family and others. I know I should have seen the red flags earlier and shouldn’t have supported her before we were married, but I was blinded by my feelings for her and her circumstances. I trusted her, and she took advantage of that in ways I never could have imagined. Now, I’m wondering how I can regain my sense of self. People might call me a 'simp' for wanting something real—because I wanted to build something serious, talk about marriage, and be a good partner. Apparently, wanting to settle down and be a good person was the real problem. So yeah, call me a simp all day, because wanting something real and lasting should never be a bad thing. I’m tired of the rage and resentment, but I feel stuck in the past. I want to heal, regain my sense of self, and get my power back. But I don’t know how to do it without losing my morals in the process. I’ve been told to just 'level up' and move on, but I can’t shake the feeling of injustice. I take responsibility for not catching those red flags earlier, but I’m still human and feel betrayed. How do I rebuild myself and let go of this situation? Has anyone experienced something similar? If so, how did you heal from it?" Response: I'm really sorry you’ve had to go through this. It’s clear that you’re feeling a lot of pain, confusion, and betrayal, and all those emotions are valid. It can be especially hard when you’ve invested so much of yourself—emotionally, financially, and physically—into a relationship that ultimately wasn’t what you thought it was. You’ve been through a lot, and it’s understandable that you’re still processing this situation and how to heal from it. First off, don’t beat yourself up for trusting her. You were acting from a place of care and genuine love, wanting to build something real and lasting. It’s easy for people on the outside to dismiss that as being naïve or too trusting, but there’s nothing wrong with wanting to settle down with someone you thought was right for you. What happened wasn’t your fault, and you were not “too good” for her. She was the one who took advantage of your trust and betrayed you, not the other way around. Healing takes time—and it's okay to take your time. Acknowledge your emotions: You’re grieving the loss of not just a relationship, but also the future you envisioned. The anger, sadness, and sense of betrayal are all valid emotions, and you should allow yourself to feel them. Don’t suppress or shame yourself for feeling hurt. Healing isn’t linear, and some days will be easier than others, but you need to give yourself permission to grieve without feeling guilty. Shift your focus: This doesn’t mean you should completely forget about the past, but try to focus more on what you can control now. Rebuilding your sense of self comes from creating new positive habits and goals, separate from her and your past relationship. Invest in things that give you joy—whether that’s hobbies, travel, or spending time with people who support you. Take small steps toward rediscovering your passions and what brings you peace. Reconnect with the things that make you feel whole and grounded. Set boundaries with your feelings: You’ve likely internalized a lot of the negativity from the relationship—her actions and the way her family treated you. It’s essential to remind yourself that their actions are reflections of them, not you. Your self-worth is not tied to her lies or manipulation. It’s natural to feel angry about the injustice, but try to work on letting go of the anger in a way that doesn’t consume your life. This might mean talking to a therapist or doing journaling exercises to release the pent-up emotions. Seek professional help: Sometimes the anger and betrayal can be too heavy to carry on your own. Therapy could help you untangle all the complex emotions you’re experiencing—grief, anger, self-doubt, etc. It’s okay to ask for help, and working through this with someone who is unbiased and trained can make a huge difference in how you heal. Don’t lose your morals in the process: It’s easy to feel bitter and cynical after being hurt, but don’t let her actions change who you are at your core. Stay true to your values of wanting something real and meaningful. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a committed, loving partnership—don’t let the negative experience make you think otherwise. Trust yourself moving forward: You mentioned the "red flags" you didn’t catch earlier, and it’s understandable to feel regret. But remember that the experience you went through will teach you how to be more discerning in the future. Don’t carry guilt over your previous trust—carry the lessons, and use them to protect yourself going forward. Conclusion: You’ve been through an incredibly painful situation, and it’s clear that you’ve been doing your best to heal and rebuild yourself. Just because it’s been difficult doesn’t mean you’re failing or that you won’t regain your power. It’s a long journey, but your sense of self will return as you continue to prioritize your own growth. Trust that, with time and effort, you’ll come out stronger from this. Your desire for something real and meaningful is not a flaw—it’s a sign of who you are: someone who values love and loyalty. You deserve that too. Keep healing, and don’t rush the process. You’ll find peace, even if it’s not immediate. Stay true to who you are, and trust that things will get better. 1.3K
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