Fitri Hisham2 months agoI’m seeking some perspective to see if my worries about my ex-girlfriend’s behavior were justified. Here’s the situation: My ex (24F) and I were in a relationship for a while, but things ended recently. A key point that’s been bothering me throughout our relationship was her friendship with a guy named Tim. She was away on an internship in a different city when she told me that she had discovered Tim was also in the city. I knew that Tim and she had met about 1.5 years ago on a dating app. They went on one date but didn’t hit it off, and she told me she ended things because she wasn’t interested in him. She also mentioned that they stayed in touch and met up occasionally as friends, even after she entered her previous relationship. While she was in the other city, they hung out twice, 1:1. The first time was an early dinner, and the second time was for ice cream just before he was leaving town. The second time felt odd to me, especially since they didn’t hang out for long. When she told me about the dinner, I voiced my concerns, pointing out that it seemed weird since I didn’t know his intentions. She got very defensive and accused me of being controlling, so I dropped it. I had some trust issues because of things she had lied about in the past, and I wasn’t sure I had the full picture. After her internship ended and she came back to the city, I thought everything was behind us. However, she called me one evening while I was out of town and told me she was grabbing dinner with Tim again. She has other male friends, and I had no issue with them because I knew them, but I had never met Tim, and considering their history, I was uncomfortable. I didn’t want to start another argument, so I held back, but when she asked me if anything bothered me, I admitted I was uneasy about the idea of her drinking alcohol with him. She flipped out, accusing me of being controlling and insinuating that I didn’t trust her, so I backed off and apologized. The next day, she told me Tim had invited her to his house for dinner, but she declined because they hadn’t hung out in a while. Still, she went for dinner with him at 8 PM, and I spent the entire time feeling anxious and uneasy. A day later, she told me that Tim had confessed his feelings for her and suggested that they shouldn’t hang out anymore out of respect for our relationship. I felt like that was a huge red flag. A few months after all this happened, I broke up with her. During the breakup conversation, she admitted that she and Tim had gone on two dates and kissed before we started dating, which she hadn’t told me before. I also found out that this “friends but with feelings” cycle had repeated itself with Tim twice before, both before we even started dating. In hindsight, I realize that her behavior wasn’t appropriate in a committed relationship, and I feel like she probably knew that too. But I’m still struggling to understand why she continued to engage in it if she cared about me. If she knew it was wrong, why did she keep it up? I’ve broken up with her and I don’t plan to get back together, but I can’t shake the feeling that I don’t have closure. I’m still left wondering whether she genuinely thought her actions were fine or if she was aware they weren’t and just ignored that.135
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