Randolph Matt2 months agoI (39M) have been married to my wife (37F) for 12 years after dating for 3 years. Our relationship was full of fun, adventures, cuddles, and shared goals for building a life together. However, over the last 4 years, things have changed drastically, and it’s become increasingly difficult for me to handle, despite my efforts to address it. We have three young children, all under 10, who are very happy and active with various activities. Our family time is decent, and we enjoy trips together as a family, both for weekends and vacations. Both of us have good jobs, which should make life easier, but it doesn’t feel that way for me anymore. Since the birth of our last child, our relationship has been strained. We went through months of fighting, stemming from issues related to her past and a previous relationship. While I knew about it, something recently came up that shed new light on things, throwing me off. She tried to fix this by being more intimate, but even after months of trying new communication strategies to rejuvenate our relationship, things haven’t improved. Our life is chaotic with all the family activities, and though we divide household duties well, I can’t shake this feeling of resentment. I try to be supportive—running errands, cooking, meal prepping, and even shopping—but lately, it feels like I’m doing everything. She bakes for holidays, but that's about it. We don’t spend time together anymore. She often retreats to her office after the kids are in bed and doesn’t help with picking up. She just piles the dishes in the sink, and though I end up cleaning them, we used to keep things tidier throughout the day. Most nights, she’s either working or scrolling through social media while I do the housework. If I manage to carve out some time for myself, she makes snarky comments. And as for intimacy, it's rare—about once a quarter—and if I don’t show interest, she gets angry. I’m constantly rejected, yet when I try to address it, she shuts down or turns the conversation around to make me feel guilty. I’ve had these conversations many times, and I’m always the one apologizing, even when I don’t feel like I should. To make things worse, she often talks about how grateful she is that I help out so much, especially when she hears complaints from her friends. But when I go on guys' trips, I find out that they’re getting laid regularly, which is frustrating and painful to hear. I’m feeling underappreciated, unloved, and just plain disconnected. I can’t help but worry about what the next 20 years of marriage will look like if things don’t change. Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do to fix it, or should I just face the fact that the relationship may not be salvageable? TL;DR: My wife seems to undervalue me and refuses to make any effort to improve things. Our relationship has deteriorated over time with little to no change. I’m seeking advice on how to curb the resentment long-term or if I’m simply stuck.153
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