Clemency Lacia month agoI (17F) have a boyfriend (17M), and he doesn’t like my gay best friend (16F). I’ve been friends with her for about 3 years, and we met through cross country and track. Recently, I invited her to come work out with me at my local gym, and my boyfriend is really upset about it. He says he’s uncomfortable with me hanging out with someone who is gay. He worries that she secretly likes me, and he keeps asking me if I’m bisexual because I’m hanging out with her. He’s even asked if I want to do sexual things with her, and it’s making me really uncomfortable. Miranda has a girlfriend, and she has never discussed their relationship in a way that makes me uncomfortable. But now my boyfriend is getting more aggressive about the issue, and I don’t understand why. Tonight, I tried explaining that I genuinely enjoy my friendship with Miranda and that there’s no reason for him to be questioning it based on assumptions. I told him that I’ve struggled to make friends in the past, and this is a real, healthy friendship I don’t want to lose. Her being a lesbian doesn’t change how I feel about her, and it’s not something I consider when I think about our friendship. Am I wrong for continuing to be friends with Miranda? Is my boyfriend’s behavior concerning? Response: It sounds like your boyfriend’s behavior is raising some major red flags, and it’s understandable why you’re feeling conflicted. First, let’s acknowledge that your friendship with Miranda is important to you. It’s not wrong at all to continue being friends with someone you enjoy spending time with and who shares similar interests. The fact that she is gay should not have any bearing on the friendship you have with her, and it’s great that you can appreciate and respect her for who she is, rather than focusing on her sexual orientation. Your boyfriend’s behavior, on the other hand, is concerning for a few reasons: Invasive and controlling behavior: His repeated questioning about whether you’re bisexual and whether you have any romantic or sexual interest in Miranda crosses boundaries. It’s not healthy to feel pressured or uncomfortable about your friendships, and it’s not okay for him to try to control who you hang out with based on assumptions. Disrespecting your boundaries: You’ve clearly communicated to him that you value your friendship with Miranda and that her sexuality doesn’t define her. His continued discomfort and aggressive behavior about it show a lack of respect for your boundaries and your choices. Trust issues: His concerns about Miranda secretly liking you and his discomfort with your friendship could indicate underlying trust issues, both in the relationship and in your judgment as an individual. Healthy relationships are built on trust, and it seems like your boyfriend doesn’t trust either you or Miranda, which could be a bigger issue. It’s also important to remember that healthy relationships are based on mutual respect, understanding, and trust. If he’s not respecting your friendship and is making you feel uncomfortable about it, that’s a big issue. It’s one thing to have a concern about something, but it’s another to express that concern in ways that make you feel controlled or uneasy. Here’s some advice on how to handle this: Communicate clearly: Continue to set clear boundaries with your boyfriend. Let him know that your friendship with Miranda is important to you and that his behavior is making you uncomfortable. It’s okay to stand firm on your stance and let him know that this friendship isn’t something you’re willing to sacrifice based on his insecurities. Evaluate the relationship: Think about whether your boyfriend’s behavior is a one-off situation or if it’s part of a larger pattern of controlling or disrespectful actions. If he cannot respect your boundaries and friendships, that could be a bigger issue for the long-term health of your relationship. Consider his response: Pay attention to how he reacts when you set boundaries and communicate your needs. Does he respect them, or does he get defensive and continue to push his agenda? A healthy partner should be able to trust you and support your friendships, not make you feel guilty or uncomfortable about them. Prioritize your own comfort and boundaries: You shouldn’t feel forced to choose between your friends and your relationship. If your boyfriend’s behavior continues to make you uncomfortable, it might be worth reconsidering whether this relationship is truly healthy for you. In short, it is not wrong for you to continue your friendship with Miranda. Your boyfriend’s behavior is concerning, and you deserve to feel respected, trusted, and comfortable in your relationships—both romantic and platonic. Keep communicating your feelings, and remember that your comfort and well-being should always come first. 143
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