Orrell Minaa month agoI (45M) have been married to my wife (46F) for 18 years, and we have two amazing kids (10 & 13). The first 12-13 years of our marriage were very challenging, largely due to my own immaturity and lack of emotional support. I was emotionally unavailable and didn’t fully understand the impact of my behavior. Despite this, I’ve always loved her, and we’ve had many happy moments over the years. About five years ago, we started counseling for our oldest child, who had behavioral challenges. Through that process, I realized that I had been a big part of the problem. I committed to therapy, including EMDR, to address the complex trauma I had been carrying. I worked hard to improve myself—giving up alcohol and cannabis, focusing on exercise and meditation, and learning about Internal Family Systems (IFS). Over time, I grew closer to our kids and started mending the relationship with them. However, last year, my wife lost her dad to cancer. She spent several months caring for him, and I stayed home with the kids. While I was proud of managing everything, it was extremely stressful for me, and I focused on self-care during her absence. When she returned, I failed to emotionally support her, even though I had the time and ability to. In hindsight, I regret not being there for her during that difficult period. After her father’s passing, she became emotionally distant, and physical intimacy declined. I tried to plan a getaway for us, hoping to reconnect, but she pulled away even more. Eventually, she told me she wanted to separate but didn’t want a divorce. Since then, we’ve been living together but emotionally disconnected. We haven’t been physically intimate for months, and we don’t talk when we’re alone. I’ve been trying to process everything, working on myself even harder and giving her space, but it feels like we’re just playing house. I asked her today how we should proceed, and she said she didn’t have an answer. She also said that it feels like I’m making it about my comfort again. While I understand her perspective, it’s hard not to want clarity and closure. I don’t want to live in this limbo for years, especially for the sake of our kids. I’ve been mentally preparing for a divorce, given how common it is after separations, but I’m still open to working on the marriage if she’s willing. I’ve suggested marriage counseling in the past, but she has refused. So, I’m left wondering what to do next. TL;DR: After 18 years of marriage, I’ve worked hard to improve myself, but my wife is unhappy and wants to separate. She doesn’t want me to leave for the kids’ sake, but I’m unsure of what to do next, especially since she seems uninterested in working on the marriage.133
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