Tom Lilliea month agoMy partner (22M) and I (26F) found out two months ago that we’re expecting, and we’re both thrilled and looking forward to the future. Now that I’m 12 weeks along, we’re starting to share the news with our families. We’re feeling conflicted about how to approach telling my partner’s mother. Their relationship has always been rocky, and it became even worse after we started dating over two years ago. From the beginning, she’s treated me very poorly, calling me everything but my name to anyone she spoke with, although she’s never said these things to me directly. Because of this, we’ve never had the chance to address the issues directly. About a year ago, I gave up trying to build a relationship with her, and six months ago, my partner attempted to talk to her about some separate issues, but it only made things worse. They stopped speaking to each other about four months ago. Now that we’re expecting, my partner wants to visit his mother and share the news with her ourselves. I respect his decision to handle it, but we’ve already agreed that we won’t be involving her in many aspects of our lives and will only see her a few times a year for holidays. He doesn’t want the conversation to turn upsetting, since we’d both like it to be a joyful moment, but I’m unsure of how to set realistic expectations for the conversation. I want to make sure that we establish clear boundaries now, before she starts overstepping. How would you handle this conversation? Any advice would be appreciated. Response: This is a delicate situation, and it’s understandable to want to set boundaries while keeping things as peaceful as possible. Here are a few steps you can take to navigate the conversation: Prepare as a Team: Before speaking with his mother, have a candid conversation with your partner about your expectations and how you both want the conversation to go. Make sure you're on the same page regarding boundaries, and decide in advance how you'll handle any negative or difficult responses. Keep it Short and Positive: When you visit his mother, keep the announcement brief and focused on the positive news. You might say something like, “We’re excited to let you know that we’re expecting! We’re looking forward to this new chapter in our lives.” Keeping it simple and optimistic will set the tone for the conversation. Set Clear Boundaries: If the conversation takes a turn toward negativity or drama, gently but firmly set your boundaries. You can say something like, “We’ve decided that we want to keep things positive and healthy from here on out. We’ll be focusing on a few family visits each year, and we’re hoping for a peaceful relationship moving forward.” Anticipate Difficult Reactions: Since your partner’s relationship with his mother has been strained, it’s possible she might react poorly. Be prepared for the possibility of her not reacting as you would like, and remember that you can always leave the conversation if it becomes too much. It’s important to prioritize your well-being and the well-being of your growing family. Be Consistent with Boundaries: After the initial conversation, it’s essential to maintain your boundaries. If she tries to overstep or cause drama later on, calmly remind her of the expectations you’ve set. Consistency is key to ensuring she understands what is and isn’t acceptable. Ultimately, it’s your family, and you get to decide how much or how little involvement you want from her. Trust your instincts and focus on creating the peaceful, positive environment you both deserve during this exciting time in your lives. 244
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Tom LillieTom Lillie