Kimberly Tawnya month agoI (39F) married my husband (39M) three months ago, but we’ve been together for nearly seven years. We don’t have kids, and we truly love each other. I do everything I can to get his attention. I’ve recently lost quite a bit of weight, I take care of my appearance (Botox and light filler), and I always keep my hair done. I regularly exfoliate and shave 1-2 times a week, and I like to show off how smooth my legs are. I keep my nails and toes done, and I’m actively working on improving myself through therapy. I’m not perfect, but I’m constantly growing. So, I know it’s not about me. The issue is that I wish he would initiate intimacy more often. I’ve brought it up multiple times, and he tells me he’s always been shy or that if I mentioned having a headache earlier, he worries he’d be bothering me. He also says that couples naturally experience less intimacy over time. Our conversations usually end up turning into arguments about other things, and I’m left wondering why my husband doesn’t want me. I don’t want to have to initiate every time—I want to feel desired. My counterpoint to his reasoning about less intimacy after many years together is that if that's true, does it also mean people stop taking care of themselves after that long? Because I haven’t stopped making an effort with myself. Response: It sounds like you're putting in a lot of effort to maintain your physical and emotional well-being, and you’re understandably wanting to feel desired and loved by your husband in return. Here are a few things to consider: Communication Styles: It seems like your husband may be shy or unsure about how to initiate intimacy. His fear of “bothering” you or his interpretation of your headaches as a sign to back off suggests he might be overthinking things. It might help to have a calm, non-argumentative conversation where you let him know how you’re feeling—how you crave intimacy and want to feel wanted by him. Reassure him that it’s not about pushing him, but about fostering a deeper connection where both of you feel seen and desired. Emotional and Physical Connection: The effort you’re putting into yourself is admirable, but intimacy is also about emotional connection. Sometimes, people get comfortable in relationships, and the physical aspects can diminish when the emotional needs aren’t fully met. It might be helpful to discuss not just the physical desire but also the emotional intimacy. Are there areas in your relationship that could be strengthened emotionally that might spill over into a more intimate connection? Quality Over Quantity: While it’s natural for the frequency of intimacy to change in long-term relationships, it’s important that both partners feel appreciated and desired, even if it’s not always about physical touch. You might find that a conversation about the quality of your intimate moments—how you both want to feel more connected and cherished—can lead to a shift in how you both approach intimacy. Therapy and Counseling: If the issue of intimacy continues to feel unresolved, it could be helpful to see a couples’ therapist together. Sometimes, underlying issues like emotional distance, past experiences, or even just differing expectations around intimacy can benefit from professional guidance. A therapist might help you both address the topic in a way that fosters understanding and intimacy without causing tension or frustration. Mutual Effort: You’re doing a lot to maintain your physical appearance and improve yourself, and that’s wonderful. But it’s also about balancing both your needs and his. While you don’t want to be the one to always initiate, it’s important to acknowledge that relationships require effort from both sides. You may want to express that you’d love for him to meet you halfway in making you feel desired—emotionally and physically. Ultimately, you deserve to feel wanted, and it’s important that your husband understands this. Clear, compassionate communication is key to ensuring that both your emotional and physical needs are being met in your relationship.57
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Kimberly TawnyKimberly Tawny