Elsa Candicea month agoI (51F) was widowed 4 years ago and have two teenage boys. A year after my husband passed, I met my now husband (51M), and we were married last year. My husband doesn’t have children, and mine are older teens — one is already out of the house, and the other is almost out. Before we got married, we bought a house together at his suggestion because his rent was being increased, and while he was planning on buying something for himself, we knew we’d eventually be living together. So, I agreed but made one stipulation: I would keep my house with my youngest son until he turned 18, and I would split my time between both homes. I am financially supporting both households and everyone in them. My husband isn’t working at the moment, but I don’t want this to cloud the issue, and I genuinely want an honest assessment of whether I’m in the wrong here. The real issue comes with parenting. My husband dislikes the way I parent. I tend to be more permissive because my kids have been through a lot, with their dad’s suicide and alcohol abuse. I believe in a more gentle, understanding approach. While my kids are typical teens, they’re somewhat unfocused on their future, which concerns my husband. He worries that I will continue supporting them indefinitely, but I don’t see that happening as my oldest is already out of the house and self-sufficient. Now, to get to the heart of the problem: My husband has a tendency to overreact. I am someone who values peace and avoids conflict, so there have been times when I haven’t been fully transparent with him about certain things involving the kids. For example, my 17-year-old quit his job, and I didn’t tell my husband because I didn’t want to argue about how to handle it. Another time, I told my husband my youngest would finish his GED by December 15, but it wasn’t done until January 2. My husband sees these situations as me betraying his trust, and he accuses me of being dishonest. While I understand his feelings, I think he’s overreacting. The most recent issue occurred on New Year’s Eve. We were hosting a party with friends, and my oldest son, home for the holiday, asked to have a friend over at the last minute. My husband was opposed, but I thought it was fine, especially with a house full of people. My husband eventually agreed, but only on the condition that the friend leave by 12:30 AM. When the time came, the party was still going strong, so I didn’t ask the friend to leave right on the dot. He left at 1 AM, which is when all the other guests were leaving as well. This has now escalated into a huge argument. My husband is framing this as a part of a larger pattern of lying and broken trust. He has told me that he doesn’t think he can ever trust me again. He’s even asked me to document 1) why he’s so angry and 2) how I will prevent it in the future. I’m struggling with this because, while I understand his perspective, I feel like I’m being overly demonized. By his own admission, I am a good wife in every other way: I’m loving, generous, present, and I don’t nag. I support us fully, cook most meals, clean, and do my fair share around the house. I know that my tendency to avoid conflict can lead me to placate him at times, and I’m working on addressing that. But every time he calls me a liar and says he can’t trust me, it makes me feel more distant and hurt.133
Elsa CandiceElsa Candice